Dublin, Part 2

Of course just because I was on holiday
It doesn't mean that my eating disorder was
I tried to leave her behind
But she stowed away in my luggage
And made many unwelcome appearances
The tricky thing about being away and having bulimia
Is that you inevitably end up having to purge in public bathrooms
Of restaurants etc
I had to purge in many over the two days I was away
Thankfully I am quick and quiet
But it's still not ideal having to do it

Yesterday we having dinner before we left
I had bangers and mash
And as I was still chewing the last mouthful
I was on my way to the bathroom
Telling everyone I was going for a smoke
When I got to the bathroom
There were two women in there
But I was so full
I felt like I was going to burst
So I went in to the cubicle
Locked the door
Rolled up my sleeves
Took off my jewellry
Tied back my hair
And purged
I didn't care that there were people just outside the door
I couldn't stand that full feeling a second longer
When I came out
One of the women kept glancing at me
Does she know what I just did?
If she does
I don't care
I'm  never going to see her again
What she thinks doesn't bother me

My Dad came with us on the trip
I hadn't seen him in a few weeks
When he saw me
He commented that I look very 'healthy'
He said it was great to see me looking so well
I was chatting with him later in the day
He told me that he used to dread coming to see me
As he never knew what state I would be in
I thought this was really sad
I forget that my ED effects a lot more people than me
Like ripples in a pond it touches everyone in my life
To a lesser or greater extent
I guess when I got sick
My whole family got sick too

My sister and I did some shopping in Dublin
My mother told me that she thinks I have a shopping addiction
She is not wrong
It's just another thing I use to escape reality
I can't help it
When I see an amazing pair of jeans
Or a lovely pair of boots
I think that my life would be complete if I had them
I would be happy if I had them
I would feel more confident if I had them
All my problems would be solved
If I just had those boots
But I bring them home
Wear them a few times
Get bored of them
And then spot something else new to buy
I love clothes
But it's an expensive habit
I always argue that I could be spending my money on worse things
But in reality I know I buy way too many clothes

I'm going to London for two weeks on Monday with my mother
I am slightly anxious about it
It's just really hard to have an ED in someone else's house
And there is only one bathroom in the house I'll be staying in
My plan is to eat small manageable portions
And try and avoid purging as much as possible

I'm a bit uncomfortable in my own skin at the moment
I have no idea what I weigh
But there is a lot of me right now
My boobs have grown considerably bigger
And I just don't know what to do with them
Do I strap them down?
Or buy a wonder-bra and put them on show
Also I have a lot of curves now
Sometimes I like them and I embrace them
But then I see a skinny girl
And suddenly pine for my 'skinny days'
Part of me thinks that if I lost just a few pounds
Then I would be happy
But I know that is dangerous territory
I know that is asking for trouble
So I will just ride it out
And hope that my weight settles down
I'm sure it will

Here are some more photos from Dublin...........

We all bought onsies

Natural History Museum