Home Stretch

My holiday in the UK is nearing it's end now
I will be home by Monday
This holiday has been very enjoyable
But also very challenging
This week in particular
On Tuesday my Mum, my Auntie and I came to visit my cousin and her baby
They live about an hour from London
I was a bit all over the place Tuesday morning
And when we were getting off the train
I suddenly realised that I had forgotten my methadone
Disaster
Cue panic
We arrived at my cousins house
But it was all I could think about
Even though we were only staying here for a few days
I still wouldn't have been able to manage without it
Withdrawal sets in about 36 hours after the last dose
And then it is a world of pain
I shit you not

We had lunch
And I tried not to think about it
But I couldn't help myself
Then I could feel the tears stinging the back of my eyes
Everyone was chatting
And suddenly I just burst out crying
I said I would have to go back and get the methadone
There was just no other way around it
My poor mother volunteered to come with me
Why is it that every time I go away
I have an issue with my methadone
When I went to Australia 2 years ago
I ran out of methadone
And had to go through hell trying to get some
And now this

My Mother and I jumped on the half four train
I was still upset
Crying and sniffling
I sat on my own staring out of the window
And feeling sorry for myself
But I felt more sorry for my mother
She inevitably gets dragged in to all my stupidity

We arrived at Waterloo an hour later
It was rush hour
So we decided to go for something to eat
I had a ham baguette
It was quite disgusting
We wandered around for a few minutes trying to find the correct tube line
Eventually we did
And braved the crowds on the Northern line
We jumped off at Warren street
And changed to the Picadilly line
And on to Seven Sisters
By the time we reached Totenham
We were pretty wrecked
And fed up to say the least

We were planning to go straight back to my cousins
But we were just too tired
We had an early night
Sleep couldn't have come soon enough

We got up early the next morning
And headed back to my cousins house
It really had to be done though
I just wouldn't have lasted the 3 days without it
That's the annoying thing about being on methadone
I have to have it every single day
Or I go in to serious withdrawal
And that is not fun let me tell you
It's physical and mental torture
A double whammy

When I spend time with my mothers family
I realise how different they are from my father's family
My father's family have the addict gene
There are 10 of them
And all of them have some sort of addiction or eating disorder or mental health issue
Chaos and disorder are common place
They are unstable
And unpredictable
Where as my mother's family are the complete opposite
They are sensible and stable
And very balanced
The aren't prone to addiction or mental health issues
The are responsible
Reliable
They couldn't be more different from my father's family

I don't fit neatly in to one or other of these families
I have a lot of my father's traits
But I also have a lot of my mother's trait
I try my best to be a normal human being
I really do
But I am not normal
I never have been
And I never will be
I have accepted that
And I am ok with that
That's why I love being around my sister so much
We are so alike
Both crazy and off the wall
It's so freeing to be around someone and totally be yourself
So I will be glad to get back to my own kind
I stand by my belief that addicts are slightly different from the general population
We think differently
We react differently
We behave differently

Here's a simple example
If I texted some one
And they didn't reply
I would automatically assume that I had done something wrong
And that's why they hadn't texted back
Whereas someone else may think rationally about it
And realise that they haven't texted back because they are busy
This is just one example
I could give you thousands

In other news
I gave up smoking on Monday
I am so determined to do it
I was smoking up to 30 a day
And it was just getting way out of hand
So I had my last cigarette on Monday morning
And that was it
I have to say that it hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be
I only really miss my morning smoke
The only annoying thing is that I am eating more as a result
But hopefully that is a temporary thing
So I am now a non smoker
I have been smoking since I was 13
20 years
I refuse to spend another penny on cigarettes
The first thing I am going to treat myself to is a pair of Winter boots
I have the ones I want picked out
And I will get them when I get home
They cost as much as I was spending on cigarettes in a week
90 Euros
That is the definition of insanity
All that money going up in smoke

Food is going ok
I'm purging an average of 1-2 times a day
I know that I need to challenge this if I am to recover properly
I know that I can't have both
I can't sit on the fence
I need to pick a side and stick to it

Sorry no photos with this post
I will post them when I get home
Although there won't be many of me because I am too grotesque at the moment
Hope you all are doing ok?

Much love x