Here is part of it
Because lately you do write about recovery, but I still.... wonder.... cause you never eat a normal meal. What does recovery mean then? Just a little weight gain?
And, the other side is that your body really needed the weight, you could've died. But .... all of this sometimes seems to gloss over the other sticky parts...
And the purging 's got to stop. For your beautiful new teeth, but far more for your health. You're still at risk, when purging so often. (and yes, I do have the experience to tell you this). And because you're so aware of your changing body, you should realise this... purging (and laxatives too) are the biggest causes for a body to not know where it's at...
A makes a very good point
I claim to be in recovery
But am I really?
I have admit
That A's comment is not the first time that I have been aware of this
I wonder if I am in recovery all the time
Or am I just fooling myself?
Do I claim to be in recovery just because I have gained weight?
Because the prospect of having an anorectic mind in a healthy body is too much to bear?
Am I still an active bulimic?
Because I do purge
Every day if I am honest
I don't eat regular meals
Yes, things have vastly improved in the last few months
I was literally binging and purging all day every day
My weight was pitiful
And I thought that was just the way things were
I had no hope
No faith
No belief that things could improve
But they have
And now I am the best I have been in years
But is it enough?
Can I have more?
I had this conversation with Mary recently
I told her that I thought that this was as good as it gets for me
She told me that I could have more
That my recovery could be more fulfilling
But the truth is that I don't think that I will ever fully recover
The best I can hope for is a pro-longed remission
I've always described recovery from an eating disorder like taming a wild animal
You can train it
And manage it
You can live a relatively safe life with it
But there is always the possibility that it will bite you
I know that I have a lot of work to do
And I do appreciate A being honest with me
True friends will always tell the truth
No matter how hard it is to hear
I have only just begun my road to recovery
I know that it won't be easy
I know that slips and relapses are part and parcel of it
I will continue to fight for the life I so desperately want
I will continue to fight against this cruel illness
I won't let it beat me
I won't let it take another year, month, day of my life
I want to live the best life that I can
I was wondering about you
What does recovery mean to you?
How do you know when you are in recovery?
I'd love to know
Very interesting thoughts. In my opinion if you feel like you're in recovery then you're in recovery. However, that word doesn't signify a destination, it signifies a path behind you that you're never going back to. For some reason an image of you walking down a pink cobblestone road comes to mind. You just got out of the jungle, but you're still in a deciduous forest. There's always more we can do in recovery, and we have to strive for that so that we don't lose our progress.
ReplyDeleteI agree Emily
DeleteIt's not a destination
It's a state of mind
Of being
So good to have you back x
I think recovery has many fases, like everything in life. You are IN recovery. Not recovered. So it's work in progress.
ReplyDeleteMy comment was just... I never meant to get you down or something. Just on the one side a warning because purging screws your body and health up enormously, and on the other side to let you keep in mind that your body might keep on changing by the day (or hour) cause purging makes the weight and body image (numbers) not very realistic.
But, I am really very proud of your weight gain, and more proud that you still want to recover further. You still fight. That's what counts.
And... a year ago you wouldn't have thought you could gain a little weight and keep breathing, and you did! So... a year from now you might not need to purge every day or more. Or you might eat a few decent mails without purging. I would not be suprised because you can achieve so much, you've proven that....
And to answer your questions, I know I am not in recovery, because my thoughts as well as my behaviour are very disturbed.
And I hope you're not hurt by my comment. I really, really, really do not want to hurt you. And I admire your honesty.
I'm not hurt at all A
DeleteIn fact I appreciate your honesty
A true friend will be honest
Not tell you what you want to hear
That is why I value yours and Lilly's comments so much
Because sometimes we need to hear the truth
As hard as it may be to face
So no, I am not hurt
So don;t worry about that at all x
To me, "in recovery" is not a state of perfect health or perfect freedom from disordered thoughts or behaviors. "In recovery" means actively moving toward health. You are not *healthy*, but you are *healthier*. That matters. That counts. It is at the point where you give up and decide not to keep working toward health that you are no longer in recovery. That doesn't mean you don't have bad meals or hours or days or weeks. It is the big picture.
ReplyDeleteAlso, each person with an eating disorder is different. Some people develop a disorder and can fully "recover" from it and it is no longer an issue for them (I think people with shorter duration of ED have a greater likelihood of total remission, but of course there are always other factors). Some people are lifers, meaning there will always be an underlying problem and you must remain actively taking steps to keep it from taking over your life again. You may always need to be vigilant about not entertaining disordered thoughts and letting them turn into behaviors, but that doesn't mean this is as good as it gets. There is ALWAYS hope for a better life.
There is always hope Tempest
DeleteAlways
I must never forget that x
A few months ago you didn't think you could get to this point. Don't write yourself off now as it being as good as it can get. Who knows where you can get (well, I firmly believe you can get fully there!). You can do this Ruby, you can move further forwards. You never thought you'd get here but you have. It's never going to be easy or linear, but recovery is possible and by recovery I mean the definitions you have previously spoken of as being your idea of recovery. Hard work lies ahead but you can do this cx
ReplyDeleteThis is true C
DeleteAnd Mary said those exact words to me also
Thank you for your kind words
And continued support x
When I first started recovery, it was the first time I admitted to myself that I didn't want to be sick anymore(it took me 4 years to decider this). I think that was the biggest part, some people "claim" they are in "recovery" by going to the hospital or seeing a therapist, but till YOU can admit that YOU don't want this anymore, you want to be happy and healthy, then that's truly the first step, as cliche as that may sound.
ReplyDeleteI told some family members, and ended up seeing my GP and a therapist, I'm going to be honest, there were still many days I would B/P or restrict calories way too low, but after a long time of just trying, it started to get natural to me, eating regular meals, gaining weight, not thinking about every last calorie or how I'm going to get rid of it.
I also started realizing through recovery and making friends that a HUGE part of my ED and what fueled it was my self worth based on my weight, that I thought I wasn't loved or I didn't deserve anything good in life until I was skinnier, and it was never enough, I needed to be thinner, always.
But as I started gaining weight, and eating right, I started to slowly get out of my depression, and started making friends, and I realized, the people that truly loved me and wanted to be friends with me, didn't CARE AT ALL about my weight, they love me for me. That was the hugest part of recovery for me, realizing that, made my recovery so much easier past that point.
Now I realize, I AM pretty, I AM funny, I AM loved. It's taken me 4 more years to realize all of that, so I guess you could say it's taken me a LONG FUCKING time to recover, but I am truly the happiest I've ever been, with the way I look, the way I feel, I have more friends than I've ever had in my entire life.
Life gets so beautiful when you have other things besides just food on your mind.
and I KNOW YOU can get there! And you will be so happy, and you will love yourself just like I do if you keep pushing through. There are definitely going to be hard days, you just have to learn to live with them and push through.
<3
I am certainly not in recovery, mainly because I am fat. No, really, I am; it's not my ED talking. My BMI is above 30. But, you know, I'll stop when I've reached my target weight. Right?
ReplyDeleteI don't hate myself I actually think I'm attractive, intelligent, a catch and capable. I find I'm disappointed when I eat crappy food but I'm not devastated. There's no system of punishment. I lush myself to be confident. I recognize negative behaviors and change then as they happen. It's active sure I could revert to old behaviors but the fact that I see them and don't act or I change course and talk about it is what I consider recovery. You also can't fixate on it. I couldn't sit there and think oh, yay me I ate I just ate because I wanted to I didn't call attention to it internally or externally. I also have accountability with my boyfriend because he's the person I can talk to about it who supports me but pushes me to be better than I was that's huge. That's recovery for me.
ReplyDeleteHere is the thing Ruby, you've asked us this before we can love on you and tell you what it means to us or what helped us but ultimately it's own you to eat and stop purging it's on you to learn self care and self love. You'll never be well until you separate the ed from you it seems common for us to adopt it as an identity but it's not in fact, it stunts emotional growth so you have all this discovery you get to do. Accept healthy as who you are, not sick.
DeleteI honestly didn't consider myself in recovery until I stopped purging. For a long time once a week or so I'd purge, and I still considered myself bulimic. Now, I don't remember when I last purged, so I tend to think I'm in recovery. I really only get sick when i drink now, and I try to avoid it at all cost.
ReplyDeleteI still don't always eat regularly, but it's more because I sleep at least 12 hours a day and so breakfast might be at 1pm and dinner at 9 or 10pm. When I was restricting, I was either counting calories or not eating at all until evening.
I think it varies for each person. I have known people who had a lot of medical problems from their eating disorder, and so their recovery was a bit different.
I know others (well just 1 at the moment) who has clearly lost a substantial amount of weight since her last treatment stay, so I am not sure I believe her that she's at a weight approved by her dietitian.. but when I eat with her she finishes her food. I really am not trying to judge her recovery, but it concerns me.
I remember thinking and hearing people say that eating disorders are like an addiction, but the difference is when I was judging my recovery from alcoholism, I went by the fact i wasn't drinking. A recovered anorexic or bulimic still has to eat food, so the definition of recovery is so much more complicated.
I'm really proud of you for being open to examining this further, as it's so important! However you define 'in recovery' is a personal thing for you. I really didn't think recovery stuff would get any better for me, that I'd just follow a mealplan forever. But very slowly I often make dinner with a friend, food that I can't figure out how to compare to my normal food, but that's okay. Stuff like that. I think one of the biggest things for me is 'am I challenging myself? am I moving towards my larger goals of being intuitive and able to do social meals?' I would agree that the purging is a serious problem still. Hang in there! I can tell you really want it.
ReplyDeleteSuch a very beautiful and honest post. I'm proud of you for writing this. I wish I could be honest with myself about recovery, but I feel you're right. Recovery is like taming a wild animal. I feel the same as you; that this is as good as it gets. That I'm never going to have a successful story. I'm just muddin through everyday. I hope that one day you will see clearly without ED. Lots of love.
ReplyDeleteXOXO