As I have been feeling quite uncomfortable in my own skin lately
It seems that it takes the weight gain a while to settle down
And distribute around the body
It can go to one place eg the stomach in my case, at first
Before it evens out around the body
It also seems that the body can over shoot it's set point at first
Meaning that I may gain more than I need to
But that will also settle down
And the body will find it's own set point naturally
This eases my mind some
I am quite self conscious at the moment
It's just so noticeable that I have gained weight
And it seems people like to comment on it
I was out in my local village with my sister yesterday
I ran in to a guy that I haven't seen in a few months
He told me that I looked great
And that I had 'filled out'
I wanted to punch him in the face
But I resisted as I am not a violent person
When I got home the same guy texted me that I look 'fantastic'
God how I wish I could see what everyone else sees
In my eyes I look so out of proportion
So top heavy
Like a big square with little arms and legs sticking out
But I have faith that my body find it's natural weight
I really do
I spoke with my sister about the weight gain
She said that if I stopped eating crisps and chocolate
That I might stop gaining weight
This is true
I do substitute crisps and chocolate for food
I need to stop doing that
I need to eat normal food
Breakfast
Lunch
And dinner
That's what normal people do right?
In other news
I am heading to London tomorrow for two weeks
So I may not get to blog as much
But I will keep you updated as much as I can
Part of me is looking forward to it
Part of me is dreading it
I thought about not going
But this is the only holiday I will get this year
So I will take it when I can
Packing has been a nightmare
I've had to resort to trying on all my clothes to see what fits me
It just so disappointing when I try on the green jeans I bought just weeks ago
And now the zip won't do up
I didn't even get to wear them once
Oh and I got my teeth done again
I now have the ling term temporary crowns that will last about 10 months
I had another marathon session in the dentists
It really is torture
I hate it
But the final result was really worth it
Here they are in all their glory......
Just to give you hope from one recovered ED buddy to another, the weight will spread out, and you will feel proportionate eventually. When I first started gaining weight, I gained a lot, and it was exactly how you feel, all in my stomach, and I hated it, but after a while, my stomach went flat, and it evened out to the rest of my body and I was at a healthy weight. Now I've just gotten too big for my own good because I fell in love lol, but as you will read on my blog, I am trying to lose a few pounds, but this is the first time in my life I'm doing it healthy, and making sure I eat enough. There are easy days, and there are days where I still struggle. But, overall, I am happier, with the way I look, with the way I feel, with how I know I'm making others feel as my ED took over others lives as well.
ReplyDeleteIt all gets better, and you just need to keep faith and stay strong through everything!
I'm really happy for you and proud of you that you're trying to better yourself. <3
Love,
Kay
Thanks for this Kay
DeleteIt's good to know that you have been through this too
And it eases my mind to know that the weight will settle down
Yes, I feel like it's all gone to my stomach at the moment
I just need to be patient and have faith that it will work itself out
Am going to check out your blog now x
But......
ReplyDeleteJust a little side note...
As long as you keep on purging regularly your weight and body forms will never settle. You will only really achieve that fase of stability and in the right proportions if you really kick all the ED habits to the curb.
Because lately you do write about recovery, but I still.... wonder.... cause you never eat a normal meal. What does recovery mean then? Just a little weight gain?
And, the other side is that your body really needed the weight, you could've died. But .... all of this sometimes seems to gloss over the other sticky parts...
And the purging 's got to stop. For your beautiful new teeth, but far more for your health. You're still at risk, when purging so often. (and yes, I do have the experience to tell you this). And because you're so aware of your changing body, you should realise this... purging (and laxatives too) are the biggest causes for a body to not know where it's at...
I know it's hard..... I know I sound judgemental and harsh, and I don't want to....
But I really dó feel that recovery is a little more than just the weight gain.
I have my weight up fine, and I am in imediate danger because of my ED behaviour...
I am sorry Ruby if this hurts you... but I am always honest and lately I felt like.... a ... hypocrite...
x
there is far far more to ruby's life than just weight gain.(and she always always made crystal clear that there is far more to recovery than weight gain!!!!) actually she has a life now. she has come sososososo far.
Deletei think you leave very smart and thoughtful comments normally, but what you call "honesty" here is a) just your biased opinion and b) might just be a reflection of what you are struggling with. and i am sorry about this. and i hope you won't give up&get better
x
I did not, nor will ever say that all of Ruby's recovery is based on weight gain. What I stated was based on body image and proportion. And a body will never settle if you keep on purging regularly.
DeleteAnd I am positive about all the things she does, with her life, you can see in all of my comments and replies.
But I do think I make a point when I wonder about the continued purging going hand in hand with 'recovery'. Because that needs work. However positive you picture it.... this purging is a problem.
And I am not biased and nor would anyone call me if they really knew me.
I think you might just defend Ruby a little too active sometimes. If something isn't an attack, it does not need to be defended.
yes you are absolutely right. i am too active on blogger. you are more than right. i really have to work on that.
Delete
DeleteHey A,
I know what you are saying
And you do have a point
I know I have a lot of work to do
Especially with the purging
And my eating
Maybe my idea of recovery is not legit
But this is as good as it gets for me right now
And I hope to keep moving forward
I know you mean well
I really do know that
Just know that I am doing my best to stay as well as I can x
I know sweety.... I know you're doing your best. I just worry about all the purging. And also because then the weight and bodyfluids and so on won't really settle and you might feel worse cause your body keeps on changing and changing...
DeleteBut I absolutely admire what you've already achieved. And I think your sister is a real positive influence...
(L)
As hard as it is, don't let ed tempt you back into its claws. It will settle and redistribute and your body is actually really clever and knows what it needs to do, but you have to trust it and leave it be and not start making it doubt you again- so you need to keep eating and taking care of it. And say a big p*** off to all ed thoughts.
ReplyDeleteWhereabouts in London will you be? I'm not too far from London...cx
I'll be in Tottenham C
DeleteWhere are you in London? x
Heys Ruby,
ReplyDeletefirst of all: Enjoy London! Oh, this city is so beautiful, I was there in May the first time and I fell in love with this city. This is the place I want to live, when I grow older (and gain a lot of Money).. I mean honestly, enjoy it, I'm so jealous :)
Okay, I hope you don't think it's presumtuous, when I give you some advise. Of course, when I tell you how I coped with the weight gain, those things may not be helpful for you, because people are different, but maybe they are and I hope so.
I "only" had to gain 8-10 kg to be normal weight because I was only 15 so I didn't need the 19-BMI, but I mean 10 kg are a lot too.
The first thing I did in recovery, was to limit how often I weigh myself. To be honest I weighed myself about 8 times a day(!). My first limit was every second day, later every third. Now i'm trying to only weigh myself once a week, my goal is to not weigh regualary. It helped me a lot and since I only weigh myself once a week, I'm not this stressed. I can tell myself, that I won't see a higher number tomorrow and I could compensate the weight gain of a day in the other days.
I also did sports, but not calorie-burning sports but strenght-training. I used free weights. This helped me a lot, I didn't feel lazy and hoggish. I didn't gained a lot of stomach fat , but the first couple of weeks it was bloated.
When I had a bad day I noted the comliments I got, when I gained weight. I tried to stop the voice for one minute and think of their words from the pespective of the healthy girl I want to be.
A big motivation for me, was that I wanted to be seen by boys. This may sosond childish to you, but a lot of my friends already had experiences with boys while I sat at home and starved myself.
In my recovery I developed myself a lot. I found new hobbys, new friends. I started to create myself by learning new things.
Good luck on your way Ruby!
Your teeth look amazing!
Lea
I love London and in my happiest moments I wish i lived there. Then I remember the people and the traffic and the noise and I retreat back into my shell again. I can take it for four days, a week, but then I run out of gas. I hope you have a GREAT time!
ReplyDeleteNutrition is a spectrum, and each food meets different needs. Calories are nutrition. Crisps and chocolate ARE real food. They do not meet your full range of nutritional needs, but eating crisps is better than eating nothing. It will be better and healthier for you to move toward a wider range of food, but don't dismiss the progress you have made. Don't get complacent - you can't live like that forever - but don't be ashamed of your crisps and chocolate when the Ruby of 6 months ago couldn't even eat that.
ReplyDeleteI've heard weight often goes to your middle in the early stages of recovery, then redistributes. As cruel as it may seem, I've heard it's to help protect your vital organs, which makes sense. Your body realizes it has padding available for the first time in ages, and it rushes to protect all the important bits. I think it's for a similar reason that target weights are often overshot and then starts to taper back to your set point, once your body realizes it isn't in danger anymore.
ReplyDeleteI remember you had meal support groups a while ago. Are you still doing those? Personally I think the best place to start would be with someone to keep you accountable, like my dietician does for me. There's no way I could keep eating semi-regularly without her. I don't know if that's an option for you or even if Mary could help, but I think accountability to someone professional could help.
Have fun in London. Your teeth look great, by the way (like you didn't already know)! :)
xxxx