Smoke?

I started smoking when I was just 13 years old
I had just started secondary school
And had made a new bestfriend
We were kindred spirits
We both hated school and all the bullshit politics that went with it
She introduced me to cigarettes
And taught me how to inhale
We used to go to the local shop and buy 10 Silk Cut purple
I remember they cost £1.61
We went in to a building site beside the school
And hid behind one of the structures
Where we huffed and puffed and chain smoked
We weren't doing it to be cool
We were doing it because we were looking for something
Something to make us feel like we belonged
Like we were part of something

I have smoked every single day since then
20 years of poisoning my lungs
Before I gave up I was smoking up to 30 a day
Although if anyone asked me, I said I smoked about 15 a day
I was too ashamed to admit that I spent 100 Euros  a week on the filthy habit
But out of those 30 a day
I would say that I only really enjoyed about 5 of them
My favourite smoke of the day was my first one in the morning
It was a little ritual of mine
To make a cup of tea
Light a smoke
And settle down on my favourite chair
If I was lucky I would get a little head rush
And become a bit lightheaded
I miss that feeling

Most of the other cigarettes I smoked out of boredom
Or habit
Not because I really wanted them
But in the run up to my quitting
I knew I was going to stop when my duty free cigarettes ran out
I was mentally preparing myself
I felt ready
I felt like I had to do it
I had to stop
So the morning of my last smoke came
I sat out in the garden in my Auntie's house
With a cuppa and my book
I savoured  it
Relished it
I knew it was goodbye
The end of a relationship that has lasted the last 20 years
But it was killing me
Literally

For the first day I didn't miss them at all
I was high on motivation and determination
I didn't tell too many people that I was giving up
I didn't want to in case that I failed
Which was a likely possibility
I have never tried to give them up before
Never really given it a fair chance
I decided not to use Nicorette patches or gum or anything
I wanted to see how I would do cold turkey
And so far I am doing ok
But right now
Right as I type  these words
I am dying for one
My tongue is hanging out for one
A smoke!
A smoke!
My kingdom for a smoke!


Sometimes I forget that I have given up
Sometimes I reach for my cigarettes
And then I remember
I am a non smoker now
A non smoker
I like the sound of that
But I get really jealous when I see someone else smoking
I walk by and I inhale to get a sniff of the smoke
And yesterday I was in my car
And I took a butt out of the ashtray and sniffed it
That's how bad I wanted one

I've often heard it said that giving up cigarettes is harder than giving up heroin
Well people
Having given up both
I can tell you categorically that heroin is most definitely harder to give up
No contest!
With heroin you have the double whammy of physical and psychological withdrawal symptoms
That is no joke
I have been through it many times
And I don't lie when I say that I would rather die than have to endure that ever again
With smoking
It's more the habit of having something in your hand and mouth
That is probably why people eat more when they stop smoking
As it fills that need

The main reason that I have never tried to stop smoking before now
Is that yes, you've guessed it, I didn't want to gain weight
So have I gained weight since I gave up?
The honest answer is that I don't know
As I am not weighing myself
I have decided to go by how I feel
Not by how I look
And I feel pretty ok
So let's go with that

But even though I am missing them
Even though I would give my right arm for one
I am glad and relieved that I have given them up
I am nearly two weeks off them now
And to treat myself
I bought a pair of winter boots with the money I would have spent on cigarettes in the last week
90 Euro they cost
It just goes to show
When you put your mind to something
It's possible
I really thought that I didn't have the ability to give up
I thought I had zero willpower
But maybe it has nothing to do with willpower
Maybe it has more to do with just being ready
And being sick and tired of the behaviour
That want
That desire and need to give up
Can out weigh the pull of the habit
Whatever it is
What ever the reason
I am so glad to be free of the habit
I am proud to be a non smoker
I truly am





I was wondering about you
Do you smoke?
Have you ever tried to give them up?
What stops you from giving them up?