Really hard
It started the day of my birthday
I was having a fat day
And did not want to go out at all
In fact I just wanted to get in to my bed
And not get out until I was thin
My fatness damn nearly ruined my birthday
But I pushed through it and managed to enjoy myself
Then I saw the photos from my birthday
And I felt like crying
I didn't recognize the girl in the pictures
I couldn't believe that that was me
My legs looked so chunky
And my jacket looked too small for me
I just wanted to disappear
Then yesterday
For some reason best known to myself
I decided to weigh myself
I was shocked to see that my weight is increasing at an alarming rate
I saw a number I have never seen before in my whole life
Right there and then I resolved to stop eating until I was thin again
Ant to exercise my big butt off
I just didn't know what else to do
This was early in the morning
My sister came down later on
I decided to talk to her rather than taking the drastic measures I had planned
That doesn't work anymore anyway
I had a very honest chat with her
She told me that I was eating too much junk food
She is not wrong
Because I have given up smoking
I have been eating more sweet stuff
And have been sticking my head in the sand
Refusing to face up to the reality of how much I have been eating
My sister insisted that I am not big
But I know that I am
And I know that it doesn't suit me
We decided to work out each day how many calories I consume
And how many calories I burn
Also to keep a food diary
So I know how my food is effecting my weight
I have a lovely new notebook
So I am using it for that
I know that counting calories probably isn't ideal for someone trying to recover from an eating disorder
But I don't know what else to do right now
I have to do something
Because if my weight keeps going up
I am going to lose my marbles
I feel like there is so much of me
Although my clothes still fit
They are tighter
And I hate that
I am so used to my clothes being baggy
My sister keep s telling me that I am in recovery
And I need to take it easy on myself
Again she is right
She also told me that I am getting used to my new body
And that will take time
I know she makes sense
It's just that this part of recovery really sucks
I feel like I am not in control of my weight or my body
And that is a scary feeling
I feel out of control
Afraid
Anxious
Uncertain
Uncomfortable in my own skin
My sister also said that I will never have the body that I had when I was 20
She said that I am a woman
Not a girl
And women have hips and boobs and curves
It's true though
I used to be able to not eat for days
And it would have little effect on me
I can't do that anymore
Not that that's a bad thing
But seriously
I need to get my eating in to some sort of normality
The chocolate is gone
There is no such thing as me having a little bit
So it had to go
I kept my food diary
And worked out the calories
Then subtracted the calories I burned from a 45 minute walk
A 15 minute jog
And 45 minutes of Zumba
I probably over did it on the exercise yesterday
But the truth is that I want to lose some weight
I know that is dangerous territory
But what do I do?
I feel so uncomfortable
So awkward and cumbersome
I'm not going on a crazy diet
I am trying to do it the healthy way
If there is such a thing
Maybe I am crazy to be thinking about such things
Maybe I should just try and get used to this body
But I just want to get down to where I am remotely comfortable in my own skin
You know?
I mean, look at this photo
Am I imagining things
Or do I look really big
I think I do
With all that said
I need your help
Have you re-gained weight in recovery?
How did you manage?
Did you over shoot your set point at first?
But first of all no one, not us, not even your (super fabulous) sister can tell you what your body is like will be like or what you are comfortable with. What your are comfortable with is entirely up to you. Listen to yourself!
ReplyDeleteI did overshoot. Because I did not know what hunger was nor did I know what feeling full was like, eating was an all or nothing matter. ED is a habit, you have un-learn it.
Once my eating became more normal (to me it was 2-3 proper meals a day plus snacks, eating things I REALLY like - I love fruit and veg and pasta and rice and diary!- and yes, still a bar of chocolate (not five though) which I consider fine and fun!) I felt more comfortable and also very proud as I gradually started forgetting to think about food unless I was - hungry! I also learned that overeating with junk (even without purging) was - intention wise - just as self-harming as not eating had been. And last but not least I noticed that sometimes when I was eating this junk in recovery I had that thought in the back of my mind "if the worst comes to the worst I can still...get rid of it!" So I started eating things I did not want to get rid of, if that makes any sense. I am not talking about “safe-food” I am talking about good meals.
I am not sure if calorie counting is right for you, and I know three meals are very scary but if you have three meals you wont feel hungry (sugar and junk do not really make you feel full) anymore and wont feel the need to binge on junk, so in the long run it will be far less calories than what you are currently eating, if we have to talk about calories.
Last thing, I do not want you to answer to this but maybe it helps thinking about it. Why did you add this full length picture of yourself to this post? No one, Ruby no one can tell you what is right for you but yourself. It is your body, keep listening to it, you have come so so so far! Ruby you are fighting an addiction a habit of almost a lifetime, this takes time. Give it time. Be patient and aware and it will sort itself out. Deep down you know what to do, what is right and what feels right, ok?
xxxxxxxxxx
PS: Ruby and regarding your post about "what not to say to a person with an ED" you cannot, simply cannot ask us to comment on your shape, ok? What are we supposed to say that is "right"? Shall we commnet on your body here??? super dangerous territory! and dont you dare to delete this whole post now!
DeleteI know Lilly
DeleteI know it's not fair to ask you all what I look like
As there is no right answer
I just need to work through this
I'm not ok
But I will be
Thanks as always for your support dear Lilly x
Well my five cents too.
ReplyDeleteYour questions:
Have you re-gained weight in recovery?
Yes. And I wasn't even really underweight to begin with. That said, I don't see myself as recovered.
How did you manage?
It differed on the day and the mood. I needed to learn what healthy food was. I needed to learn my likes and dislikes. I am still learning.
Did you over shoot your set point at first?
I still don't know what my setpoint is, and I don't think you do either. A setpoint is something you can trust if and when you are able to maintain a healthy mealplan, combined with a decent form of exercise and NO compensating in any way (no purging, laxing or name it).
And I agree with everything Lilly writes and askes.
But also.... are you getting a replacement therapist for Mary? I do think you need to talk about all of this and also what makes your weight the focus of your life....?Why is it this important?
(L)
Honey.. Is counting calories really the best idea? - I really don't think you should do it. It is not easy to stop smoking and work on recovery... You have to understand that you do not look fat... Or big, or are anywhere close to it.. And it is OK to have "fat days" .. I think everyone has it, even ED free people.
ReplyDeleteYou keep doing your best, and stay strong. *hugs*
You have come so far in recovery since I last was on blogger. What an amazing inspirational person you are Ruby!!!
ReplyDeleteSince I have been trying to break the restrict-binge cycle, I have put on a lot of weight! None of that was put on the 'right' way. My body has went into overdrive and I binge like crazy all the time. The more I focus on it, the worse it gets. So now all my energy is put into just eating what is nourishing and healthy for my body when I'm not in some maniac binge. And I'm trying with all my strength to focus on appropriate weight from a medical perspective rather than what is defined as appropriate from a physical beauty aspect. Can't say it is totally working, but I'm trying.
Question to think about is where these thoughts of fat and big are coming from? You are so focused on becoming healthy and living life so keep that in mind now. Does your current weight pose a threat to your physical health? No of course not. There is no way in this world that you are remotely big or fat. You say you want to become comfortable in your own skin. I don't think that comfortableness comes through being a certain weight. I sure as hell wasn't comfortable in my body at my heaviest or at my lowest. I never felt right. For me anyway, I think I will feel comfortable in my own skin when my body becomes nothing more than the amazing tool that gives me the gift of life and the ability to pursue the things that I want. I'm no where near that place at the moment, but you never know. One day maybe!
Be careful lovely. We sometimes need reminders that Ed is a deceitful bastard and likes to pop up when you least expect him. He disguises himself so well.
I agree with Lilly, please do not ask us or anyone what they think of your body. I look at that picture and see a happy woman.
ReplyDeleteI pray that this is all part of your recovery and that you'll be able to settle your mind and feel comfortable in your skin. It's wonderful that your sister is there to offer you wisdom and support. Be strong Ruby and know that you can do this.
your clothes are meant to fit. that it is just how it is. that's what i genuinely believe. i used to live in baggy clothes now i genuinely cannot stand the thought. sometimes, when i do lose weight, i get very angry over the fact that my pants no longer fit. the scale is not lying, but your ED ghosts want to be fed. they would like you to act on impulse.
ReplyDeletei do not like it when people count calories during recovery, but i am a big one of them. i have always counted calories. even if i binge, i track down the calories.
alright, darling. let me tell you about me during my recovery.
i did gain weight initially (around 11lbs but i was chubby anyway), but i lost weight drastically. in fact, at some point during recovery, i was just feeding my body with junk food as you did. however, for some reason, no matter how much i ate, i was never full and i also lost quite a bit of weight just like that. when i ate normal foods, i felt very sick. i did not stick with eating real foods for long periods of time and only ate junk food. despite how many calories i was ingesting, i lost weight and it did make people raise their eyebrows. some of which questioned my eating habits enough. at one point someone told me i was going to get fat again if i ate all those chocolates (i can tell you the list of things people have told me during recovery that genuinely made me want to just throw it all away.)
i think with the depression i plummeted, and then i somehow ended up in this phase where i bounced between a certain weight range. my body, however, was not recovered despite the fact that i ate a good amount of food. i decided to increase calories up to 2,500 as i always felt cold. in 3 days, i felt very hot all the time and afterwards spiralled into a binge problem which extended all the way towards...well, i just got out of it a week ago i think.
i realised my body feels content and more comfortable on calories above 2,000 so i am exercising them out rather than just keeping to it until it just drops by itself.
repairing is essential, but i could not repair my body with just eating. i think you must repair a body with adequate amounts of carbohydrates, proteins and fibers. i only say this out of experience - though i think a lot of people may agree on that point.
i love you much
-Sam Lupin
...and after the commercial break we return to our beloved Ruby! this link saved noones life but the bankaccounts of the site's adminstrator. nothing scientific about it. shame on you anon!
ReplyDelete