What not to say to someone with an eating disorder

Supporting someone with an eating disorder can be a bit of a mine field

What do you say?

What do you not say?

It's incredibly difficult to watch someone you love spiral out of control

I find that people are so uncertain what to say

Some people are very blunt 

And ask lots of inappropriate questions

And some people just avoid the subject

And pretend it isn't there

Neither of these ways is very helpful

Although I would prefer someone asked me straight out

Rather than pretend that the problem isn't there

From my experience 

Here are somethings that you shouldn't say to someone with an eating disorder

Don't tell someone they are too fat to have an ED
How ignorant can you get?
EDs are not about food, weight or shape
A person with an ED genuinely hates themselves
And doesn't need someone adding to that
Eating disorders come in all shaped and sizes
From emaciated to obese
And everything in between

Don't talk about weight/comment on the persons appearance

I know people mean well

I really do

But don't tell a person with an ED that they look really well

Or really healthy

The person will most likely assume that you think they are fat

At the same time, don't comment that someone is very thin

This can reinforce someone's ED

I know people want to acknowledge it if someone is on the road to recovery

But I think all comments about appearance should be avoided until the person is fully recovered and
can handle such comments

Don't tell someone that they don't look sick
Eating disorders can be invisible
Just like depression
Don't assume someone isn't sick because they don't look sick

Don't assume that someone is ok because they look ok

This is a mistake that so many people make

They assume that because someone has gained weight and looks healthy

Then they must be healthy and recovered

Ed's are not about food and weight

They are about low self esteem, low confidence, fear and anxiety

If someone has gained weight

Please bear in mind that their own mind and thoughts may still be eating disordered

Recently I've had to deal with a lot comments on my appearance

That I look really healthy

Everytime I have to give myself a pep talk

That people want to be kind

They want to acknowledge my recovery

It's still hard to hear though

Don't comment on the persons food

If the person is eating in front of others, this takes immense courage

Please don't comment on what they are eating

How much or how little they are eating

Or what they are eating

This can be very damaging and triggering

And may discourage the person from eating in public again

Don't make the person feel guilty about eating

Please don't plead/threaten/or guilt the person in to eating

The person will already feel enough guilt about their ED

And doesn't need anyone else adding to it

Don't criticize others weight/food choices

If the person with an ED hears you comment on others weight of food choices

They may bring it back to themselves

Or compare themselves

It could reinforce the fact that their own choices are not perfect

This can also be triggering

I know when someone makes a comment about my own food choices

I immediately feel guilty

Like I shouldn't be eating it

Don't talk about food being 'healthy' or 'unhealthy'

The person with an ED will inevitably have had a list of safe and unsafe foods

One of their goals in recovery will be to not put food in categories

Food is food

There is no good or bad

Don't ask for diet advice or say things like I wish  that I had your willpower'

EDs are not about willpower

They are about fear and self loathing

They are not on a diet

And this is not a lifestyle choice

People with EDs are very unwell

It is an illness

Not a choice

I remember when I was working in a hotel a few years ago

A woman asked me how I kept so slim

I was honest with her

And told her that my diet was not healthy

And it was not something she should emulate

Don't joke about eating disorders
It's not funny
It's our lives

No numbers!

Please don't mention numbers to someone with an ED

As in weights

Clothes sizes

Calories etc

It will drive them mad

And they will inevitably compare themselves

Numbers are best avoided!

But you eat.......
Yes of course I eat
If I didn't I would be dead quite quickly
Contrary to popular belief
People with eating disorders do eat
Of course they do!
It's very disordered eating
But they do eat

Just snap out of it!
Just snap out of it?
This is like telling someone with a broken leg to just get up and walk
Ri.
Dic.
U.
Lous.



Oh I had a friend who was so ill. She got down to XXpounds and was in hospital for months
Please don't tell us about your friend who was so very ill
We are competitive
And will inevitably compare our weight and ourselves to that person
We will think to ourselves that she was really sick
And we are just frauds
And not really sick at all
When you define yourself by your weight
Any one with a lower weight is doing it better

Some really silly things that people have said to me over the years

You don't look like you have an eating disorder

Aren't anorectics skinnier?

Are you doing this for attention

You're not that bad ( A nurse in hospital)

You're a bad person for doing this

You're always eating

You eat so unhealthy

Have you lost/gained weight?

You look so healthy!

You're so slim, you're so lucky

What silly things have been said to you?