Acceptance

As you know
I have re-gained a lot of weight recently
Like I let you forget that little nugget of information
I write about it a lot
But that's because it is a huge deal for me
(Literally!)
My body image at any given time of the day can be polarized
I can absolutely hate my body with a passion
And feel so ashamed of what I have become
To becoming something approaching acceptance
And dare I say it
Actually liking my body

My body is changing all the time
I have gone from having the body of a male child
To shape of a 33 year old woman
I cringe when I type those words
W.O.M.A.N
Because I couldn't feel less like one
I feel like a little girl
Trying to find her place in this world

Anyway
I am getting off the point here
Back to body talk
I am trying to accept my new body
And my my new status as 'Recovering anorectic'
It's with hesitation that I type those words
Recovery is a broad term
And I'm sure that it means different things to different people
To me it simply means that I want to live
And I don't want to shuffle off this mortal coil
It means that I am not actively or passively trying to kill myself
That my head is not filled with negative thoughts every moment of the day
That I want to be alive
And alert
And awake
Not half asleep in a drug induced stupor

This moment is all we have
The past has gone
The future is yet to be
All we have is right here
And right now
And right at this second
This is the body I have
There is nothing I can do about that at this very moment
So it is easier to accept it
Not wish it away
Or wish that there was less of it

I haven't weighed since my last meltdown
But I know that my body is changing still
I am swimming 5-6 times a week
I walk every day
And do yoga once a week
My sister has noticed that I am getting more muscular
Around my arms and legs
I was really glad to hear this
As I want to tone up
I was to be fit
And healthy
And strong
I no longer want to be sick and weak
I want to be well

When I think of someone being attractive
The first thing I think of is confidence
There is nothing more attractive than someone who is self confident
Not arrogant
Not cocky
Someone who is happy in their own skin
Happy to be themselves
Comfortable in their own body
That is more attractive than any body part that I can think of

Rewind a year ago
I was in treatment
I had zero confidence
No self esteem
My anxiety was all consuming
But in the last 6 months
My confidence is getting better
I feel a bit more sure of myself
I feel capable and able
Right now
Right this second
There is nothing I can do about my body
So I accept it
Flaws and all
My body is not perfect
Far from it
I have lumps and bumps
And rolls and sagging skin
And stretch marks
But it's not too shabby
It could be a whole lot worse
I have a working, strong body
And today I accept it

I know that my weight gain will settle down
I just need to be patient
Everything is as it should be
Everything is ok

Today body, I accept you
I appreciate all that you are
And all that you do for me
I am grateful that you haven't given up on me
Even though I have put you through hell
Thank you body
Thank you for everything

And always remember
Acceptance is key people
Acceptance is key