Treatment, Part 1

One year ago today
I went in to treatment for the sixth and last time
I remember it like it was yesterday
And me and my Mum were talking about it today
The morning I left I was so upset
Saying good bye to my Mum and my dogs was heart breaking
I never got upset leaving for treatment before
But this time felt different
This time felt like there was more riding on it
I guess I felt pressure to get it right this time
No one put pressure on me
I did that myself

My father drove me up to the hospital in Dublin
I remember on the way we had a very near miss with another car
I remember being so nervous to walk back in to that building
To see all the old familiar faces
To walk in to a room of other eating disordered people
I knew the score
I knew that everyone panics when a new girl comes in
And compares themselves to her
Even though I was at a very low weight
I felt huge
Even though I was sick
And being admitted to hospital
I still felt fat

My father and I arrived at the hospital
We were early
So he went to get something to eat
And I walked manically around the grounds in the pouring rain
I was admitted
And we went up to the ward
I instantly recognized one of the nurses
And she came over and gave me a hug
I was left to wait while my room was sorted out
And I looked out for the other ED patients
I spotted one straight away
Pacing up and down the corridor
Stick arms and legs
I knew straight away

The nurse came back over
And brought me in to the office for a chat
She said she had something to ask me
And wanted me to be completely honest
I was a bit freaked out when she said this
'Have you been smoking marajuana today?' she asked
I was shocked
'Why would you ask that?'
'I just thought I could smell it off you'
'Absolutely not' I said
And I hadn't
I couldn't understand why she was asking me this
And I became very upset
I just wanted to turn around and  go home
It really hurt me because I have worked so hard to get clean
That to think others think I am using really bothers me
However
I pulled myself together
And got on with the admission

I said a tearful goodbye to my Dad
And was brought to my room
There was two beds to a room
And I was haring with a girl called Claire
Next one of the nurses went through all my belongings
And took any flexes and chargers and hair straighteners
We wee not allowed anything with a flex
Or even the tie off a dressing gown
It took forever
But we got through it all

One by one
The other girls on the ED program came in to introduce themselves to me
There were 3 altogether
And they all seemed lovely
But then they always are
Then there was one other girl who was on the ward
But was not doing the ED program
She was 'on special'
Meaning that she had a nurse with her at all times
This was to ensure that she wouldn't harm herself
She was so young
Only 19

I spent the rest of my first day in the smoking room chain smoking
I met the others on the ward
The ward was called St. Brigid's
This was where all the ED patients stayed
But there were also people with other diagnosis there too
Like depression
Anxiety
Bi-polar
Our ward was not locked
Unlike some of the other wards
People on Brigid's were relatively well in that they didn't need constant supervision

In the evening I saw the doctor that was on call
He was lovely
The same age as me
A kind of bumbling, awkward but super polite guy
I did what I always do when I go in to treatment
And asked to be put on a sleeping tablet
I am so manipulative
And my inner addict comes out
He obliged
And I was happy

I wasn't allowed off the ward until I was deemed fit enough and well enough
Blood pressure was taken 4-6 times a day
Temperature
Bloods were taken every Tuesday morning
And ECGs every Thursday
I knew the routine by now

I stayed up late that first night
I turned off the light in the smoking room
And sat up on the window sill
I watched the grounds
Patients trying to escape
And the staff trying to find them with their torches
I wondered where the patients would go if they did get out
I had heard a story once about a couple of teenagers who had got in to a relationship while in the hospital
The ran away together
And made a suicide pact
The jumped off a bridge in Belfast
I don't know how true that story is
But it stayed with me all the same

I took my sleeping tablet at about 12am
Stilnoct
Not the best but it was better than nothing
I drifted off to sleep while watching Breaking Bad on my DVD player
I dreamed that I was well
That I had no ED
I was so disappointed when I woke up and it wasn't true

To be continued..........