ED

It seems that I am writing less and less about my ED
I think that is a good sign
It's a sign that it's not in the forefront of my mind
It's not and urgent and pressing issue
Don't get me wrong
It's still in my life
Bulimia is proving to be very stubborn
But things are 100 times better than they were
Even my perception of weight has changed
I used to crave skinny
Sharp edges and pointy bones
But now I can see that for what it is
A very ill body
And a very sick mind
Now I want to be fit and healthy
More than I want to be skinny

I don't know if I can say I am comfortable with my body at the moment
I am a bit heavier than I would like to be
But isn't that always the way
I thought I could lose some when I was severely underweight
So go figure

They say you should count your blessings slowly
And one at a time
I have a lot o be grateful for
I've come through drug and alcohol addiction
And my ED relatively unscathed
Not  lot of people can say that I would imagine
Sometimes I wonder why my family has been given so much hardship?
Why have we had to suffer so much?
Why does it seem that some people have it so easy?
But I guess it is all relative
My family have come out other side stronger and closer than ever
So there is a silver lining to all this

I think the question now is
Where do I go from here?
If I don't write about my ED or addiction
Then what the hell do I write about?
I only really started writing two and a half years ago
When I started this blog
And 95% of this blog has been about my ED or my addiction
Because that was all I knew
That was my life
Even if I wanted to write about something else
I just couldn't
I couldn't write about love
Or death
Or mystery
Because I hadn't experienced them
Because my ED took up every waking moment
I knew it so well
And I could write about it because I knew it so intimately
I genuinely couldn't think of any thing else to write about

But now my world is expanding
I am experiencing new things every day
I don't know if they make for as compelling reading as my ED
But it's important for me to know that I am not a one  trick pony
That I can write about other things
Probably the greatest kick I get out of writing
Is writing  funny or sarcastic pieces
I guess it is debatable as to whether they are actually funny
My sense of humour is an acquired taste
But still
I like to write them

They say you should write what you know
Well
I know drugs
I know alcohol
I know anorexia
I know bulimia
Correction
I knew them
Now it's time to know something else
To live
To love
To travel
To sing
To write
To feel
To dance
To walk
To run
To find
To keep
To laugh
To cry
To scream
To live life on my terms

Anorexia you don't control me any more
You can't manipulate me
You can't trick me
You can't catch me in your web of lies and deceit
I am stronger than you now
I know you too well
To let you trap me again
I knew it would be hard to get you out of my life
It was
The hardest thing I have ever done
But it was worth it
It was worth it a million times over

If you are struggling today
If you can't find a reason to get out of bed
If you can't find a reason to go on
If you feel that there is no hope
If you have lost all faith
And belief
If you are thinking about disappearing
Please know this
You are stronger than you ever thought possible
You are more beautiful than you ever imagined
You are thinner than the mirror shows
You are prettier than you see
You are more capable than you think
You are more caring and loving than you let show
You are smarter than you know
I promise you that

Anorexia/bulimia fill our heads with lies
They whisper in our ears until we don't know what is real any more
I know that I have questioned my sanity many times over the years
And feared that I was losing my mind along with all of the weight
This is why it's so f**king hard to break free
Because our ED has warped our mind so much
We don' know what is real any more
We live in a strange parallel universe
Where everything is topsy turvy
This is why that first step out of ED is so important
When the professionals finally got my meds right
The fog of depression I was living in lifted
And I felt  I could see straight for the first time in years
When we are starved
We can't see a way out
It's terrifying
But I promise you it is possible
I know that I have still a mountain to climb in terms of getting well
But I would rather climb this mountain bare foot and in a bikini
Rather than go back to the way things were
Of that I have no doubt

So if you are reading this today
This is a reminder never to give up
Never stop believing that things can improve
They can
And they will
I promise you that