It was this morning
My Mother, my sister and I were doing the weekly food shop
We had just finished in one supermarket (The less expensive one where we get all our fruit and veg)
And we were heading for the shopping center
I was walking along
Not a care in the world
Minding my own business
We reached the automatic doors
And just before they opened
I saw a reflection
I didn't recognize it at first
It looked vaguely familiar
But we live in a small town
So I presumed it was someone that I knew
I scanned up the body
The clothes
I have those leggings
I thought to myself
And that jacket too
Is it me?
Surely that body is too big to be me
Surely I am smaller than that
I scanned up to the face
And got a shock when I saw that it was me
It is me
I stopped mid sentence
And my reflection continued to walk towards me
I was about to reach out and touch it
When the doors opened
And my reflection disappeared
I disappeared
In that second I lost the plot in my head
To everyone else I probably looked perfectly normal
Like just another shopper
But in my head
Anorexia was screaming
Words that I won't repeat here
In that moment
Recovery could go f**k itself
In that moment
I wanted to starve and drink and use
In that moment
Nothing mattered
Nothing but getting out of my own head
And my own body
In that moment
I wanted to disappear
Never to be seen again
You know when a really over weight person loses a lot of weight
And even though they are now thin
They still think of themselves as fat
Sometimes even see a fat person
Well I think I am the exact opposite
I have been underweight
Now I am over weight
And I still see myself as underweight person
My mind hasn't made the transition yet
You know
At that moment in time
I really hoped that I did have body dysmorphia
I really hoped that what I saw in that reflection was not the truth
I hoped that my vision was warped
Because I couldn't take it in
I just couldn't
When I got home
I was still all over the place
I wanted to fast
I wanted to weigh myself
To prove to myself that I either was wasn't over weight
But now
It is a few hours later
I've calmed down some
I know that I am of an average healthy weight
I know that I have not gained 3 stone over night
I really want to accept this body
To feel comfortable in my own skin
I just got such a shock when I saw myself today
I'm trying to like this body
I think one of most attractive things is confidence
And an ability to work with what you have got
So that's what I will do
Even if the confidence is not real
Fake it 'til you make it right?
That's exactly what I will do
I won't punish myself
I won't starve my poor body
I will continue to move away from the grip of my ED
What is the alternative?
you look so good in all your recent photos.this is just your mind playing tricks,or even funny glass in the doors? you can't trust reflections anyway.lots mirrors warp and there are some shops that do the opposite i think to make you buy stuff.go on how your clothes fit and how you feel.you will be ok i know jo xx
ReplyDeleteAnd also try to think about some reflections deforming the picture of you.....
ReplyDeleteIf it wasn't a real mirror but glass, then it's very possible that the treatment or placement of the glass makes the reflection not accurate.
And then it would be kind of stupid to let your whole body image depend on a wrong reflection....
(L)
I want only a little bit talk with you. It would find that interessting to know about Single or assigned. The Size and Age. Possible you want get thinner and more fit. I can help you if you want have a prettier body. Are you happy with your body? Can you say something about your sport?
ReplyDeleteI never trust reflections. If I did, I would die a little inside every time, because they make me look like a balloon. I remember the first time I saw my reflection in a window in the US, I thought it was a UFO coming in for landing, I was so huge. At that time I was at my lowest weight in adulthood. They lie, don't trust them.
ReplyDelete