As you know
This time last year
I was in treatment
I went in at the end of October
I came home for Christmas
And went back in early January
And as you also know
Treatment did not work for me
If anything
I got worse
So I came back home
With my tail between my legs
Broken and defeated
But it wasn't a waste of time
It never is
Even though I have never completed the programme
I have also got something out of being there
And I met the most amazing people
One of whom I meet regularly
As she lives in the next town
And others who I am in contact with too
So that brings me to today's topic
I got a text from one of these girls during the week
Asking me if I wanted to meet up before Christmas
There would be four of us in all meeting up
I thought there would be 5
But apparently she has made it clear that she doesn't want to stay in contact with anyone
Her loss
So yes
There is four of us
I guess we would just meet up for a few hours
Go for coffee
Maybe lunch
I am so looking forward to seeing the girls
But there is a part of me
That little part still governed by my eating disorder
That is telling me not to go
Because I am too fat
Because none of my friends will recognize me
Because I don't deserve to have fun
When we were in treatment
I was the thinnest out of our group
Now I am probably the biggest
That's a hard pill to swallow
And I can't lie
There is the temptation to go on a crash diet and lose 10 pounds before we meet up
But I know that is ridiculous
One of the girls who I am meeting, reads this blog sometimes
So she knows that I have gained weight
She has seen the photos
She sent me a text not to worry about having gained weight
And that she was nothing but happy for me
So that made me feel a little better
And the thing is
If I saw that the other girls had gained weight
I would be truly delighted for them
I wouldn't think less of them
Or judge them
And I know them well enough to know that they won't judge me
Whatever I look like
Being on contact with these girls
Brings back a lot of memories
These girls played an integral part in my story
I spent all day every day with these girls
Attended group with them
Ate breakfast, lunch and dinner with them
Laughed with them
Cried with them
Walked laps of the ground with them
The saw me at my very worst
And now they will get to see me at my best
And that is nothing short of a miracle
So I will go
I will go to Dublin
I will meet my friends
I will drink tea with them
Reminisce with them
Talk about the good times
And the bad times
And everything in between
And you will give them a chance to get to know the Ruby behind the disorders and illness. The brave and pretty and sweet and lovely and real you....
ReplyDelete(L)
(I'm coming to Dublin in april!!!)
Oh my God, no way!!!
DeleteYou are coming to Dublin?
I don't know ho you would feel about it
But if you were up to it
I would love to meet up
Although I totally understand of that's something you wouldn't like to do x
I really would. But as I am not travelling by myself I do have to see if I can get away.
ReplyDeleteBut I really want to :-))
Yes of course
DeleteI totally understand
It's a few months away yet
But even if you got time for a coffee
That would be so great
But see how you get on x
Ruby--
ReplyDeleteThis is so very important and I am very happy to hear that you were going to go and meet them. Someone that I was in treatment with myself has contacts to me lately and wants to as well see me and meet up with two other girls that we were in treatment with. She knows that I have recently moved out of the area, but it's been a very obvious that wanted to come back to visit my parents, but she wants to have us all get together. At first I told her that I will not be coming back to the area anytime soon, but that was more of my ED responding for me. I know what you mean when you say that you don't want to go see them because of the fact that you have gained weight and you're afraid of what they might think of you. I have the same exact thoughts. But you know what? They saw me at my worst, and I now want them to now see me at my best. Yes I have had my moments when I feel like a fat heifer, but mentally I feel like I'm getting better.
Do not isolate, do not blow them off. Go and have fun with them. I truly believe that by you not going that you will truly regret it.