Breakdowns and break ins

Thanks everyone
For your support on my last post
I really didn't want to write it
I didn't want to admit that I was struggling
The last thing I want to do is worry anyone
Or let anyone down
I've worked so hard to win my little piece of recovery
And even though it was far from perfect
At least it was a start
And was a hell of a lot better than living in the midst on an ED

I just worry about myself sometimes
How quickly my thinking can change
How my behaviour can turn on a dime
Thee have been a few things on my mind
My trip to Dublin reminded me
That the drug I was addicted to is still out there
I have been having non stop drug dreams since last Friday
I guess I am craving
Craving escape
Craving oblivion
Craving a break from the reality that is recovery from an ED and addiction

I don't really deal that well with reality
At least reality on realities terms
I like being able to switch off
To check off the planet for a while
I joke here at home
That Monday is my day off life
And it is
The only I do on a Monday is go to the doctor
I take my meds
And sleep for most of the day
It's my day off

But yes
Reality can bite
I hate to be so present
To be thinking all the time
Or in my case over thinking
I get bored very easily
And I hate being bored
As I always say
I like to keep myself in a state that I can fall asleep whenever I want
I can just enjoy oblivion for a while

Of course I know that this is not healthy
I know technically I am not clean and sober
And my ED is just another escape of me
I float off to the land of weight and numbers and food
And the rest of my brain switches off
And speaking of numbers
The dreaded weighing scale has made it back in to my life
I did throw one in to the lake back in he summer
But there is another one in the house
And I have been using it every morning
Rad flag right there!!!
However I am determined that this slip will not become a relapse
God dammit I have worked too hard to throw this all away
I won't let it happen this time

Anyway
It's Monday morning
I saw my doctor first thing
I was siting in the waiting room
Trying to find the words to tell him that I am struggling
I don't know what I wanted him to do
But at least I would have told someone
I was called  in to his room
I sat down
And he launched in to a story about his dogs
And radio
And anything else that was on his mind
I just couldn't find an opening to tell him
So I left without saying a word

I took my script and was walking up to the pharmacy
I saw a police car at the back entrance
Where I was going to go in the side door
Then I saw my pharmacist standing outside
She told me that they had been broken in to
And they couldn't touch anything inside
As it was a crime scene
And they were waiting for forensics to arive
She asked me if my meds were urgent
I told her they were
She went inside to see of she could organize another pharmacy to dispense my meds
Then I saw the owner
She looked really shook and upset
I asked her if everyone was ok
She said they were
Then another staff member came out and told me that the pharmacist would be out in a few minutes
I stood in the freezing cold waiting
I saw the door
The shutter was forced up
And the glass was broken
I could see part of the shop
It looked completely ransacked
A while later the pharmacist came out
And she had my meds
It really was very good of her
And I told her I really appreciated it
I really felt bad for them
As they are a family business
And what a rotten time of year for it to happen
I really feel for them

So I guess now it is up to me to get back on track
First things first
I need to put a ban on weighing myself
Maybe even get rid of this scale too?
Then make a meal plan
Which we used to do and it was very helpful
I know I have the ability to get back to where I was
I  just need to put things in place to help myself
It's not even about being thin anymore
I have been there
Done that
Bought the extra small t-shirt
It's about control
It's about running away from myself
And my life

I also need to ask for help
From my family
Why is it so hard to ask for help?
It seems to me that the 3 hardest phrases to say are
I'm sorry
I love you
And help me
I rarely say any of them
Apart from I'm sorry

I am not perfect
Recovery is not perfect
There will be highs and lows
Ups and downs
And that is ok
It's life
Nothing ever runs perfectly smoothly
At least I have acknowledged this slip
And I can do something about it

One good thing that happened last week
Was that I got a call from a the counsellor whose waiting list I was put on
So I am going to ring her today
And hopefully I can see her soon

So yes
I am struggling
I am not ok
But I will be
I know I will be