Ok
I need to be honest about a few things
Everything is not well over here in Recovery Land
Something is amiss
And I'm not quite sure when or why it happened
All I know is that over the last couple of weeks
My purging has increased markedly
And I've lost more than a few pounds
My Mother has commented that my face looks thinner
She said very seriously that she hopes I don't spin out of control again
God I don't want that to happen
I really don't
I know a couple of weeks ago
I was going for long periods of time without eating
And of course that culminated in a binge
Which culminated in me purging
And once I purge once
I seem to do it again and again
Lather, rinse, repeat
Last night for example
I wasn't aware that I was jumping up out of my seat every few minutes
I was up and down
And in and out of the kitchen like a yo-yo
I didn't become aware of it
Until my mother commented that I was very restless
And I was
Everytime I got up
I had something else to eat
And then purged afterwards
I knew in the lead up to my going to Dublin
That I was stress eating
But I thought that was because I was nervous and anxious about my trip
But now the trip is over
I am still eating and purging
I won't say binging and purging
Because what I am eating does not constitute a binge
Then this morning
My sister kept asking me if I was ok
She said I looked very pale
And eventually said that she had noticed that I had lost weight the last couple of weeks
I feel terrible
Because I don't want to be worrying my family
I am barely a few months in to my recovery
And it seems to be slipping through my fingers
I was reluctant to write this post
As I said I don't want to worry anyone
But I have to acknowledge where I am
That I am indeed struggling
And may need extra support
Especially at this time of year
When stress levels are high
I know one thing for sure
I don't want to go back the way I was
Sick
I don't want to be that person
I can'r go there again
I just can't
I have to much to lose now
My family has too much to lose
Things are just beginning to turn around for me
But I have to admit
I am not fine
I don't feel fine
The happy glow from my face has disappeared again
I feel like I am slipping
I am grappling with my hands to hang on to the little bit of recovery that I have
But every day it seems further away
As I always say
This is not my first rodeo
This is not my first slip
Or relapse
I know the way they happen
They creep up on you
And you don't realize it until you are up to your neck in it
By then it's almost to late
The damage is done
I know what I need to do to stop this
To get off the speeding train that is a relapse
But knowing it
And doing it
Are two completely different things
It's no secret that I struggled to come to terms with my weight re-gain
I was delighted when I thought my weight was settling
But now it is going down and down
And I feel powerless to stop it
I don't feel the thrill of weight loss any more
The only thing I felt when my sister remarked that I had lost weight was sorry that she was worried
There is no pleasure in this thing any more
That left a long time ago
Now all that is left is bitterness and resentment
Confusion and fear
I don't want to be sick again
I may have another relapse in me
But I don't have another recovery
I don't know if I could do this all again
It had taken so much out of me
Again
I was reluctant to write this post
As I didn't want to let my family down
I didn't want to let you down
I know my story have given you hope
And I really don't want to take that away
But in the same breath
I have to be honest about where I am at
And where my head is at
I'm not ok
I'm not fine
I'm afraid
I'm confused as to why this is happening again
When it is the last thing that I want
I know what I need to do
Ask for help
Tell people I am struggling
I guess that is what I am doing here
Letting you know
And asking for help
perhaps it was due to anxiety about the trip as you say,try not to be hard on yourself and get back on track tomorrow. i have had this too,its a kind of coping thing.you are doing well, jo x
ReplyDeleteThanks Jo
DeleteHoping and praying you are right x
Sometimes it's too hard to do alone. You alone can do it but you can not do it alone. Given your mum and soster's comments and great wishes to help, why not let them in? Why not ask for some help- meal prep, supervising after eating, helping to stop the purging? Getting you involved with them and what they're doing. If watching tv isn't helping, play a board game or something that uses up a bit more restless energy. Take the dogs round the block. Have a bath (but with no toilet access!!). Let them help you. It may be a blip, but let's stop the blip becoming bigger and you have two very willing helpers living with you, and two furry friends and me!!cxx
ReplyDeleteThanks C
DeleteI need to reach out to my family
I just don't want to worry them
But then maybe I am worrying them by not reaching out
I don't know
I don't have a lot of word tonight
But I appreciate your words x
Babe you will get back on track! I know this! Please do make sure not to purge the Prozac! Maybe this adds to it all maybe you purge too much of it and dont get what you need?(i think you really still need it and it did help so much once you were on 40mg).
ReplyDeleteCan you think of ways to make sure you get the right dose/keep it down again until you get better?
Much love
I am pretty sure that is happening Lilly
DeleteTaking them at night is an option I need to think about
Just emailed you back x
Emailed you!
ReplyDeleteIn all honesty I already thought so.....
ReplyDeleteI think part of the way back up instead of further down, is aknowledging things are spinning out of control and being open about it...
Bút, and here is me being a little strict and serious.... You write that it's out of your control and you feel like you're slipping. I think it's very important to see where you áre in control. You know weight loss is a sign, you knów increased purging (or purging in general) is a sign. And the learning curve here is not letting it get this bad.
It seems you only see (or aknowledge) it's spinning out of control when it is really worrying already...
So..... make a list of signs and symptoms so you know when to start to ask for help or deal with the ed things popping up.
Tell your mother and sister you're not doing ok and you need help. I think the reply above, about not being able to purge, by having no acces to a bathroom, could work? And maybe they could ask you about your nervousness and restlessness and your 'eat-purge-eat-purge'. Maybe if the ask you about it, and talk with you about the why, your reasons..... you might not need to use your ED?
And what Lilly says about the prozac, do try to take it regularly and please try not to purge that....
I know you want to keep on recovering and I still believe you can and will....
(L)
Did you think that too A?
DeleteThat I was slipping a bit?
I'm just so very tired of fighting you know?
But I won't give up
I really won't
Thanks for your continued and valued support x
Yes I did.
DeleteButI also think that you admitting it, and trying to 'own' it and writing it here, is way better than people trying to tell you something seems to be slipping.
I understand you're tired of fighting. But then... my question is... Are you at this moment fighting the right battle?
In all honesty, I sometimes feel you're putting more energy in pretending everything is ok, trying not to worry everybody and putting yourself under even more pressure here on blogger by continuing to have to inspire and pretend that the road only goes up and forward whén you yourself are down and out..... those are battles on their own.
Back to basic. Tell your mum and sis. Make a (meal) plan. And a plan what to do with the purging and how to get the times you purge way down.
And find the best time to take prozac without the risk of purging it.
And worry less about the readers here, what they think and about looking good and as someone who is always positive and fighting. Just be you. Ask for help, let us know you're in a pickle....
Ask for support...
(L)
I agree with the comment above - you say you feel out of control, but the fact that you have identified the pattern and your feeling about it, the fact that you have a built-in support system with your mother and sister, and the fact that you are reaching out on your blog show me that you actually have an immense amount of control over the situation. And you are in the unique position of having been there before and pulling yourself out of the hole, so you know exactly how this goes. Gather all the support you can and take it one day at a time.
ReplyDeleteI know you can do this!!!
Thanks Kaylee
DeleteI guess I am more in control of things than I think I am
I know you are in a similar position to me
And I think setbacks are inevitable
I hope I can do this
I truly hope so x
You can. You just need to ask for help and use the help. You really can. And why not take the meds at night for now- there's no medical reason not to and at least for now it is something to help right now. But I really think enlisting your family will help you all- if we all guessed, I'm certain they will have too and, like us all, will just want to help. You can do this- it's incredibly hard but you've proved time and time again that you're one tough nut cxx ps I don't mean that in a derogatory way- I was going to change the expression but hope you realise I'm talking about nut nuts, not "mental" nuts. Gah. Digging deeper hole here?!
DeleteAddiction turns you into a liar. I don't think I have any good answers, but I do know that it's already clear to your family that you're struggling anyway, and if you don't feel safe to he honest here on your blog, writing other things an pretending everything's ok won't help.
ReplyDeleteHonesty requires bravery, and you are being honest and brave. I think staying honest with your safety nets is priority #1. The Prozac thing occurred to me too, since your change in mindset had a correlation.