Finally!

Praise the Lord
My weight finally seems to be settling
I feel like the clouds should part
And sunlight shine through the heavens
Alllelulia
I feel like shouting it from the rooftops!
Finally my weight is settling

When I was last away for the weekend
I weighed myself
And saw a number I can barely bring myself to think about
Never mind type
I really despaired
And thought I was heading for obesity
I felt so out of control
Like I was on a speeding train
And there was nothing I could do to stop it

I don't know happened
As in how I changed my food
And if I did
I am not aware of it
But the next time I weighed myself
I was a few pounds lighter
And now my weight seems to have settled on a number
Fluctuating a  kilo either way
Just like Mary always said it would

My relief is palpable
I guess I also had the worry that I had given up smoking
And we all know what happens when you give up smoking
Everyone gains weight when they quit
That was the very reason I had never quit before
But I seem to be weathering that storm

I know I've said it before
But I really think that an ability to rock what you've got is important
This is my body
This is my weight
I can either go in to a corner and cry about it
Or I can accept it
Be confident
Dress it nicely
Make the most of it it
And work with what God gave me
I'm no super model
I no longer have a super skinny body
But me and my body have been through a lot over the years
And I am just grateful that my body is still here
And in one piece
Given all the abuse its endured
I am lucky to have a body at all

Although it is a slow process
My thinking is gradually changing
I used to think that my ideal body was extremely skinny
Now I want to be fit and healthy
More than I want to be thin
I was so very depressed when I was underweight
Even though I had the one thing that I craved
I couldn't enjoy it
How can you enjoy being thin when you feel so unwell?
And my anxiety?
Well it was through the roof
There were many time when I cried to my Mother
Telling her that I thought I was going insane
And that truly frightened me
The thought that along with all the weight
I was slowly losing my mind
Whatever about my body not working at full pelt
I just couldn't handle it if my mind went too
I remember so many tears back then
So many times when I thought I would never stop crying
I thought I would never be right again
I felt like I was falling apart
The port in the storm that was my ED was always Mary
I really don't know what I would have done if I hadn't had her support
She was truly invaluable

I know there is a lot of work to be done
I still have some really bad days
Days when my purging is off the charts
When I under eat
Or over eat
Or don't eat at all
A lot of the time it feels like one step forwards and two steps back
But the important thing is to keep moving
I will get there

I always have to remind myself that I am 33 years old
I have lived with this illness for 14 years
My family have lived with this illness for 14 years
We all deserve a break
We all deserve to live and enjoy life
And live free from EDs control
God knows we deserve it
Living with an ED is such a thankless exercise
So much work and effort
For very little pay off

I believe
I have to believe
That all of this was for a reason
That my family and I did not suffer in vain
Whether that be to learn a lesson
Or to help others
The thought that we all suffered for no reason is too much to bear
There has to be a reason

I'm actually looking forward to Christmas this year
Last year I was stressed out to the Pepsi-max
I was only home for a couple of weeks in between treatment stints
And I had a family wedding
I don't remember a lot about last Christmas
As I kept myself fairly well doped with medication
But this year
This year I am more present
I am more capable
I am more with it
And I plan to thoroughly enjoy it
I am a Christmas person
I love it
The lights
The trees
The carols
Not to mention the food
Oh food glorious food!
Saying all that
It can be a tricky time of year too
With the whole family in one house
Temptation to over eat
I need to put together a Christmas survival kit
So we will all get through the holidays relatively unscathed

Do you like Christmas?
Do you find it easier/harder in regards to your ED?