Dentist

I had an appointment with my lovely dentist today

As you know 

I had temporary crowns put in last summer 

And now it's time to get the permanent ones

My dentist had a big hello for me when he saw me

He shook my hand vigorously

And told me that I was looking great

He looked at my teeth

At which point he started to get very excited

'This is fantastic' he exclaimed 

'Your mouth looks so much better since you gave up smoking'

'I can't tell you how delighted I am with this, I'm going to turn you in to a fairy princess'

I had to laugh

He seemed so thrilled with the transformation

So he booked me in for an appointment in two weeks

It will be a marathon to get the job done

But my dentist assures me that it will be worth it

In the car on the way home

My Mum and I got chatting

She was saying how strong I am

And how I have overcome so much

I felt like a complete and utter hypocrite

I considered telling her the truth

But what will that do

Other than worry her

If only she knew though

She brought up The Boy too

I told her that he is moving

She seemed very relieved

And speaking of The Boy

He just texted me

I didn't text back

I can't

And I won't 

It's always hard to get back on track after a slip

The trust is now gone

And my sister is keeping a close eye on me

It's just a rotten situation for everyone involved

And it's down to me to put things right

 

It was easy to think that I wasn't really using

After all

It was just a cup of innocent tea right?

Maybe to some people

But for me 

It has the power to send me spinning out of control

It has the power to cause me to relapse

To break my families heart

To cause utter chaos in my life

Because I am an addict

A greedy, hungry, don't know when to stop, dust bin junkie

My brain works on the basis of all or nothing

There is no in between

No happy medium

No half measures

And I have to face up to this fact 

I can't use

I can't drink

Not if I want to face any semblance of a normal life

Now it's time to pick up the pieces

And put them back together as best as I can

It's time to take stock

To reflect on the last few weeks

And to think about where I go from here

I lost a friend this week because of what happened 

And that saddens me greatly 

She wants nothing to do with me

And that feels so crappy

But 

I understand that I have frustrated people

And let people down

Heck I am sick of myself

And the trail of destruction I leave in my wake

I need s good dose of common sense

And a swift kick up the ass

Any volunteers?

No seriously 

I have to get back on track

I know exactly what that entails

I have been here many times before

The only difference this time being that I have an awful lot to lose 

I can't 

I won't let that happen

It's time to pull up my big girl pants

And behave like a responsible adult for once in my life

As the saying goes 

It's not about the size of the dog in the fight

It's about the size of the fight in the dog

And this dog has a huge fight on her hands