Doctor Day

I'm just back from seeing my doctor

What a relief it is to have finally told him

The nerves about this appointment started last week

When I realised I needed help

Last night full blown anxiety kicked in

I was dreading telling my doctor

Not because I was worried about what he would say

I mean what can he say?

But because I hate to disappoint people

Especially someone who has put a lot of time and effort in to helping me with both my addictions and my ED

I hate to let someone down

Who has been so good and patient with me through the ups and downs over the years

So needless to say

I was not looking forward to this appointment

Anxiety woke me early this morning

My appointment was at 9 20am

So I had some time to kill

So I listened to Ed Sheeran and Taylor Seift on repeat to take my mind off things

I haven't told my mother or sister yet

So I've really had no one to talk to

Apart from you lovely ladies

But still

I hate keeping this from them

And I think they know something is up

As I've been going out a lot

And have been very distant 

I'm actually surprised that they haven't realised that I am using

They usually can tell straight away

But then I am being very devious and sneaky

And maybe they do suspect 

I don't know

So I piled my dogs in to the car

And my mother and I set off for the doctor

She brought them down to the beach

While I went to the surgery

I had to wait for about 20 minutes

I'm sure the worry was written on my face

I was agitated and fidgety 

At one point I decided that I couldn't go through with it

Then I heard my name called

And saw my doctor waiting for me 

I followed him in to his room

And sat in my usual seat

He tapped away on his computer for a moment

Before asking me how I was

I took a deep breath

And told him things were not good

And that I had some bad news 

'I've been using' I blurted out

He looked really surprised

Shocked even

'What happened?' He asked

I told him about The Boy

Although I made it clear that it was not his fault 

It was all new and my stupidity

He asked me if I had been smoking or injecting 

I told him neither

And explained about the poppy tea

He sat back in his chair

And looked really disappointed 

He asked me some more about the boy

And what I planned to do now

I told him that The Boy is moving

So at least temptation will be further away

At this point he took out a drug test

And asked me for a urine sample

I went off to the bathroom

And peed on to the little cup

It was then that I suddenly thought

What if this is clean?

What if this dude had been given me some muck that he had concocted?

And it wasn't poppy tea all

I was actually worried that the sample would be clean

I headed back to my doctors room

He was still tapping on his computer

After a couple of minutes he checked the sample

'Have you been smoking weed too?' He asked

I said I hadn't

But I had been in a room where it was being smoked

Anyway

The sample was positive for opiates and hash

My heart sank a bit

Now it all seems so real

Before I told anyone 

I could trick myself in to thinking that it wasn't that bad

And that there was nothing really to worry about

But seeing how serious my doctor took me today

I can see that I am in over my head 

He began writing up my script

I asked him if he would consider increasing the methadone

He gave me a point blank no

But after I expressed concern about withdrawal

He agreed to increase it by 4 mls

I was glad

And I am also back on daily dispensing

As well as seeing an addiction counsellor later on today

I feel huge relief having to my doctor

I could easily have got away with not telling him

As he rarely drug tests me

But I know it was the right thing to do

And he thanked me for being honest with him

So at least now I have some extra support

And I feel a bit better about the whole situation

I am reluctant to tell my family

And am hoping I can get through this without having to worry them

I guess I will just see how the next few days unfold

And if I feel I need to tell them

I will

My weight is suffering through all of this

And I've lost a few pounds

But I guess that was to be expected

And hopefully I can hold steady where I am

So

My plan for the week?

I am seeing the addiction counsellor later today

I am collecting my meds daily

I will avoid The Boy at all costs

Which is going to be hard

But has to be done

I'm going to go back swimming

As I know it is good for me

And I'm going to try my best to get my addicted ass to a meeting 

All this feels manageable 

And I feel good about getting back on track

I guess this whole situation shows me that I am not out of the woods when it comes to drugs

I have no resistance 

No capacity to say no

And I need more support in this respect

I also just want to say a huge thank you to you beautiful girls

You know who you are

For your comments, texts and emails

For your honesty

Your kind words

Your concern

And your love

It means more to me than you will ever know

Thank you

From the bottom of my heart

Thank you