The weeks are just flying by
I wasn't looking forward to seeing my doctor and counsellor this morning
And having to let yet more people down
My doctor was some what surprised when I told him
He took the time to talk to and to listen to me
But it's not his speciality
His area is the methadone
And he at least didn't drop it this week
He asked me to do a drug test
But I couldn't pee
So we had to cancel that
It would have been positive anyway
Buy I know
If I keep giving dirty urines
I will be taken off the methadone
I really don't want that to happen
I left my doctor
And collected my meds
Then headed back down to the surgery to my appointment
It was really helpful to talk to her
We talked about my past
And where I have come from
We talked about what to need to do to help myself
Namely cutting all contact with The Boy
Getting to meetings
Going back to see Mary
And above all else
Not using
That is the most important thing
My counsellor rhinos called Breda
Likened this part of recovery to trying to keep water from getting through a dam
I need to put up barriers and resistance so as not to let the water through
That makes sense to me
I left the appointment clear in my head what I need to do
My mother has told me that if I use again
She will kick me out of the house
I have no doubt that she will do this
As she has done it before
And it was a nightmare
I really don't want to go back to the place
I keep having to remind myself that I am an addict
I can't use or drink recreationally
There are no half measures with me
It is all or nothing
I have used quite a bit in the last month
Not every day
But enough to hurt everyone around me and to leave a trail of destruction in my wake
When drugs come in to the picture
Everything else goes out the window
Recovery
Love
Trust
Honesty
I hate that I have negatively effected so many people
It kills me
But then this visceral I signed up for when I picked up that drug
When you choose the behaviour
You choose the consequences
To quote Dr. Phil
Oh I didn't know you were using H again :(
ReplyDeleteI'm trying to get back on track x
Deletebeen worrying about you all day,even though working,so day off tomm be worse! how are you feeling,can you get to see mary soon? can i email you or would you rather be left alone at right now. love jo x
ReplyDeleteThanks Jo
DeleteYea you can email me
I don't have many words right now though x
Dear R,
ReplyDeleteWhat a mess, what a mess.
Now reading that you have been using regularly lately...
So that means that all of the updates of the last few weeks aren't truthfull ?
Because I am reading the same lines over and over again. You telling us you must tell yourself you're an addict and you can't use or drink even once. But you have been telling us for weeks, while you were in fact using.
You stating that your head is more clear, you have said that last time you saw Breda but you were using then too, or working towarts the possibilty...
You writing that the Boy is no good for you and so on. When it has nothing to do with the Boy. The word boy can be altered and changed into 'drugs'. I don;t think you have feelings for the Boy. I think you confused that with 'this is my opportunity to get drugs'.
And even your doctor... who has stood by you and helped you, you deceived and manipulated. Making him increase your meds, asking and begging. It needs to stop, R, all of this and it needs to stop now.
You lied to me. Big lies, not little lies. I tried to help you, thought with you about steps and about not worrying your family. But you were using and not telling me that and when it all came out you did not even have the guts to tell me in person, I had to read it here. All the while you told me you were my friend and I tried my best to be a good friend to you. I still do.
And a good friend does not baby you. Not feel sorry for you. Because you've got what you wanted. You wanted the excitement, the drugs, all of that.
So now the rest is up to you too.
Lost the trust of your family. Broke your mothers heart again. And she stíll gives you a second chance, You should kiss the floor she walks on. I hope you realise that. Ireally hope so, Because I still feel like you treat this as a little slip of...
If you are serious about getting back on track and REALLY being honest, there's a lot of work to do.
Did you break of all contact with the one supplying the drugs? 'the so called Boy'?
Blocked his number? For real?
For if not, we here all know you won't really quit, won't really get back on track. Then this blogpost was another big pile of words, with no real meaning.
And I really do hope you will be able to give your life meaning again.
I know my reply is harsh but all the 'blah can happen, blah so sorry for you' to me feels pointless.
You made choices. And you lied to all of your readers. For days on end.
Let that be clear.
Take Care.
Ruby if you're really serious about your recovery you need to start going to meetings. Show everyone who loves you that you can do at least that. Find one and make a commitment to go regularly. It's not everything but it's a step in the right direction.
ReplyDeleteHugs. I know you can do this. You're very strong. But you are in real danger and you know it. Take control of your life before it's too late my friend.
Xoxo
I agree with the above comments. You need to make some practical steps- making purely mental ones ("Ill stop all contact") is not enough and is far too difficult for you right now. Don't just block the boys number- change your phone number and then block him- or give your phone to your sister for a few weeks. Get away if you can afford to- stay with friends/rent a holiday home/ something to put some distance between you and easily accessible drugs. Find a sponsor. Go to meetings. Unless your making the decision to stay using forever you are going to have to go through this phase at some point, and surely it's better to do it now then put off? It's not going to be easy but it is going to be worth it. Good luck- we're all thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteAre you actually injecting again? I thought you meant just the poppy tea! Oh Ruby what a shame :(
ReplyDeleteJust read back some, Google ate my comment..
ReplyDeleteOh Rubes, I was afraid of this happening when your doc was being an asshat, but hoped the little increase would be enough to help... The important thing is, you've taken accountability and you've APOLOGISED and you are TRYING to fix things! I don't think being publicly reprimanded is helpful in any way, that is for private conversation :|
I know it's hard, but you know what needs to be done, you're a smart cookie and you know when you're heading into deep waters.. I'm the same way, when I'm in that boat.. Sometimes I tend to keep heading to the Rapids, knowing that I'm going to capsize, fearing it, terrified of it, and yet not doing anything to stop it.. Get those paddles out and row for your LIFE Rubes! And row HARD in the opposite direction.. I will do it WITH you if you want!? I promise, we can do this together??
As for the boy.. The boy does not care about you, if he did he would RESPECT your sobriety and he would NEVER even off you, let a drag you back down into they world! That *hell*!
People like that get jealous of the success that you've had.. They want to pull you back down, into their world of using and misery, bc it makes them feel better about themselves and where they're at.. And they get satisfaction in giving you the loaded gun, and watching you fail..
They cant handle seeing people get and stay clean.. But you have that in your favour! All those years clean, the SOONER you do what you gotta do (break contact completely!), the easier it will be for you to get back on track.
Don't continue to be afraid of what will happen, whilst letting it happen.. I'll do it with you okay??
I even got viber bc you haven't been replying to my texts and now I know why.. It takes up every waking thought and ALL your time.. It's odd, something told me that I *needed* to contact you.. Now I know why you didn't reply.. It takes up our every thought and every spare minute.. But I forgive you ;)
Seriously though sweetheart.. Shoot me a msg/text, you can do this, we can do this x I love you and I have faith in you k?? xxx