How I spent four hours with him
And used
I was going to write about how he gave me some to take home
How I lied to my family about where I was going
How when I got home I smuggled the drugs in to my room
I was going to tell you about the fact that I couldn't keep my eyes open
And so my mother realised that I was using
There was no point in denying it
It was written all over my face
I was going to write about how we had a huge fight
How we all got really upset
How I could almost see my mothers heart breaking
How my mother and sister stood in my bedroom
And insisted that every trace of drug paraphernalia was removed
There was shouting
Anger
Many tears
It was awful
My mother made me swear on one of her books that I would never bring drugs in to this house again
My mother kept saying how disappointed she was
At one point I thought it was all a bad dream
And I would wake up soon and realise it was all just a nightmare
Unfortunately
It really was happening
Now it's morning
And everyone is still reeling
And I am feeling unbelievably guilty
But this was bound to happen
I was asking for trouble seeing The Boy
And yet I continued to see him
Smart Ruby
Very smart
I have to get my shit together
If not for myself
For my family
This has gone too far now
People are getting hurt
And I don't want this
My mother said that if I want to use
I can move in with The Boy
I don't want to do either
I need help though
I need to get through this
And stop
Before anymore damage is done
I feel like I have let everyone down
Myself included
And the thing is
I walked in to this situation with my eyes open
I knew the ramifications
But yet I plough on
Leaving a trail of destruction in my wake
I'm sorry
I am truly sorry
But this stops now
It has to
It just has to
Oh Ruby, dear Ruby, I am so sorry this happened. Let it be the last. Cut all ties with the boy, before you lose your family and yourself, please. Try to find help, go inpatient if you have to. It would break my heart if you drowned in this.
ReplyDeleteI need to do what I should have done ages ago
DeleteAnd put a stop to this
It's gone way too far now
Way too far x
Oh, Ruby, I am so sorry to hear this - I feel like it was kind of inevitable in a way, that in seeing the boy you were opening up an avenue into possible drug-use while still being able to convince yourself that it was just about maintaining a friendship (ad believe me, this is not me judging - I've never been addicted to drugs, but oh, the lies I would tell to myself to condone dangerous behaviours when I was eating disordered!)
ReplyDeleteIt's a horrible situation to be I, and I understand that you must feel badly about your family, but understand that guilt is only going to allow you to wallow deeper I that rut of shame and sorrow. You made a mistake - own it, and forgive yourself (I know that's easier said than done) and then get back on the straight and narrow. You've been doing it all this time, there is no reason you can't go right back to doing it. A slip is not a relapse - don't feel that it's become one. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. A slip is effortless - maintaining your recovery is harder, SO much harder, but it's all the more rewarding for that.
Also, you might have heard this before, but did you know that in Japan, there is a custom where when a vase or something like that is broken, they repair it with gold. Not only do they not try and disguise they break, they highlight it by filling its seam with gold. They do this because they think that when something has been broken and then repaired, it becomes all the more beautiful for it - it has a story, and a history, something has happened to it. I just wanted to remind you that while there might be cracks in your armour and chinks in your defences, while you might feel broken at times, you are all the stronger for it, you are all the braver - and there is so much gold in you. Let it shine xxx
I guess it was inevitable Cheryl
DeleteThe shit was bound to hit the fan eventually
The fall out is miserable
But I will pick up the pieces and keep going
That's really lovely about the gold
A really beautiful way to look at things
Thanks Cheryl for your kind words x
hi ruby sorry this happened think you saw it coming,your family will calm down soon,there is nothing worse than the morning after.but they love and care about you and that won't end with one mistake.who can say they never make them? stay away,no one [not us trying to get better] can have that much temptation to deal with and not come undone.are you still walking the way in spain? try to focus on that you will need to be feeling fit and well. thinking of you, jo x
ReplyDeleteIt is the morning after the night before Jo
DeleteThere is nothing worse
They have calmed down though
And we went out for lunch
I feel like shit
But at least im seeing my doctor tomorrow
It's all just a bit of a nightmare
But we'll get through it
We always do
Not sure if we're still doing Spain
I hope so though
Thanks as ever for your support x
I don't even know if I am sorry Ruby.....
ReplyDeleteI think YOU made a choice and I think you knew you would before yesterday....
I don't think you 'love' the Boy, I think you love what he offers....
If you want to change, you need to make the changes. I've said it before, there shouldn't have been any contact between you and him and the fact that you kept several things secret.... even from me at IM (and it is really strange to have to read this on your blog) to me is a sign that you're in a bad place...
Secrets and lies make a good addict, Ruby, but not a good person, daughter or friend...
Think about what's at stake...
xx
Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry. My heart is sinking for you.
ReplyDeleteI'm not going to judge or lecture on what you should or shouldn't do. I think you know deep-down what you need to do with regards to this whole situation, but that doesn't mean it's as easy as saying it. Even knowing what might happen, that doesn't mean it's as easy as snapping your fingers. I just feel for you and wish I could do more to support you through this.
Always here for you <3
xxxx
I've thought of commenting many times but I somehow always feel inadequate because I missed so much of your story I feel I'm late to the party and don't really have a right to comment on such important matters.
ReplyDeleteI used to follow you ages ago and when I started blogging again I looked you up, but it's been several years since then.
I'll just say that I'm really sorry you are struggling, and that despite the slips you still seem unbelievably strong because you are picking yourself up, dusting yourself off, and looking for help.
Stay strong and take care of yourself because you are precious.
Hugs xx
Mandy Devoidde.
I'm so sorry that happened and that you're going through this right now. I wish we could all just come over and keep you busy and uplifted but know we're here for you.
ReplyDeleteYou can do this. You're strong and when you're not you have support.
I agree with earlier comments about cutting all ties to the boy. It's not healthy, and I know you know that. Things happen. We stumble, we fall down. I believe you CAN get clean again. But it's going to take work. Have you been going to any NA meetings? Probably a good idea to get an NA or AA sponsor also. Keep being honest with others. Our secrets keep us sick. I believe in you--time to get up and fight back from this. You can do it!
ReplyDeleteJust read back some, Google ate my comment..
ReplyDeleteOh Rubes, I was afraid of this happening when your doc was being an asshat, but hoped the little increase would be enough to help... The important thing is, you've taken accountability and you've APOLOGISED and you are TRYING to fix things! I don't think being publicly reprimanded is helpful in any way, that is for private conversation :|
I know it's hard, but you know what needs to be done, you're a smart cookie and you know when you're heading into deep waters.. I'm the same way, when I'm in that boat.. Sometimes I tend to keep heading to the Rapids, knowing that I'm going to capsize, fearing it, terrified of it, and yet not doing anything to stop it.. Get those paddles out and row for your LIFE Rubes! And row HARD in the opposite direction.. I will do it WITH you if you want!? I promise, we can do this together??
As for the boy.. The boy does not care about you, if he did he would RESPECT your sobriety and he would NEVER even off you, let a drag you back down into they world! That *hell*!
People like that get jealous of the success that you've had.. They want to pull you back down, into their world of using and misery, bc it makes them feel better about themselves and where they're at.. And they get satisfaction in giving you the loaded gun, and watching you fail..
They cant handle seeing people get and stay clean.. But you have that in your favour! All those years clean, the SOONER you do what you gotta do (break contact completely!), the easier it will be for you to get back on track.
Don't continue to be afraid of what will happen, whilst letting it happen.. I'll do it with you okay??
I even got viber bc you haven't been replying to my texts and now I know why.. It takes up every waking thought and ALL your time.. It's odd, something told me that I *needed* to contact you.. Now I know why you didn't reply.. It takes up our every thought and every spare minute.. But I forgive you ;)
Seriously though sweetheart.. Shoot me a msg/text, you can do this, we can do this x I love you and I have faith in you k?? xxx
Ruby, this breaks my heart. But you are stronger than this and you deserve to be happy and I know this isn't the right way to get that happiness. I know you can end this if you really put your heart into it. I love you Ruby.
ReplyDeleteXoxo