Recovery?

As you know 

For  the last 16 odd years

I've been bouncing between my addiction and my ED

When one was under control

The other spun way out of control

As my psychiatrist once said 

I have many 'chronic conditions'

Way to make me feel worse than I already did

So between the two issues

I have pretty much avoided reality for the past decade and a half

After some years with my ED in the driving seat

Things now seem to be changing

And my addiction seems to be in control

It feels closer

And more present than my ED

Don't get me wrong

My ED is still there

But it has vastly improved

My weight is stable

Or as stable as it can be

However the purging persists

I guess to most people purging 2-5 times a day is wildly out of control

But for me it's progress

So my ED seems to have taken a back seat

In a way it's a relief

But my lovely friend addiction has been waiting to take its place

There are many signs that my addiction has taken over

I'm misusing my meds

I've used quite a bit

Although not in the last two weeks

I'm lying to my family

I'm withdrawn

Disinterested

Irritable

Resentful

All those things that come part and package with addiction

I don't know which is worse

My ED or my addiction

Addiction is like a tornado

That suddenly bursts in to my life

And utter chaos ensues

It doesn't matter if I use once or one hundred times 

The level of upset and chaos is the same

I heard my mother say recently 

That if I went back taking drugs

It would kill her

I don't doubt her

It takes an extreme toll on families 

I think my family bore the brunt of my addiction

I was out of my head

But they lived through every second of it

Stone cold sober

But yes

Addiction rips the heart and soul out of families

We were lucky to make it out the other side

As for my ED

For me

It comes in two distinct parts

Anorexia

And bulimia

I suffer from both

Again switching from one to the other 

They are complete opposites

If anorexia is cold

And silent 

And aloof

Then her sister bulimia is loud

And brash

And in your face

Anorexia causes a silent devastation 

Like an invisible poison infecting the sufferer

And of course their family

The only evidence a bony body

And gaunt face 

Bulimia causes more of a racket

It's more obvious on some ways

Like the amount of food that goes missing 

And in other ways it's harder to see

As the sufferer often won't display external effects

And so no one would ever know

Unless you told them

And who wants to admit that they throw up every morsel of food

Not I

That's for sure

I know that a lot of people don't have time for addicts

And people often misunderstand EDs too

They think we are selfish and vain

And that our EDs are solely about food and weight

But it goes much much deeper than that

EDs are a reaction to life's hardships

A way of exerting control over the one thing we can

Food and weight

And weight becomes the focus 

But there are complex reasons as to why we do the things we do

I firmly believe that people are the way they are for a reason

I didn't just decide one day that I wanted to be eating disorderd

I didn't grow up thinking that I want to be anorexic

Developing my ED was a reaction to experiences that I had had through out my life

A coping mechanism

A way of dealing with feelings and emotions that I couldn't handle 

It's a lot more complex that just wanting to be thin

This post is a reaction to a comment I received on a post I did about the show Supersize versus Superskinny

It went something like this

' I watch this show for entertainment and to feel relief that I am not fat. I don't starve myself because of this show. Get a life'

This is exactly the ignorance I am taking about

This person obviously stumbled upon my blog

And probably only read one post

And judged me on that

Saying 'Get a life' to someone with an ED is like saying 'Pull yourself together' to someone with depression

Or 'Just get up and walk' to someone with two broken legs

It's not that simple

Or straight forward 

Eating something when you have anorexia is as scary as facing your worst fear

I know when I was in the height of my ED

I was so afraid that if I started eating

Then I wouldn't be able to stop

Spinning out of control was my worst fear

I remember when I was in drug treatment

I told one of the boys about my ED

He asked me if I did this to get attention

Again

Another ignorant reaction

This couldn't be further from the truth

The whole point of my ED was to try and disappear

Not gain more attention

I don't get annoyed any more at these reactions

I know it's because people aren't educated

But I think people shouldn't judge what they don't know

Don't make assumptions about me until you have walked a day in my vomit stained shoes

I think people are still afraid of mental illness

They're scared of what they don't understand 

I always like when people ask me questions about my ED or addiction

At least then I can set them straight

And tell them the reality of life for me

But I think a lot of the time

People are wary to broach the subject

And don't acknowledge it at all

But that's not healthy

If we want to tackle the massive problem of people suffering in silence and suicide

We need to let people know that it's ok to feel bad

And it's good to talk

It can save lives 

I am blessed to live in a family that talks very openly about our issues 

Most of a family of six

Four of us have addiction and mental health issues

So there's really no escaping it

Maybe some people would find it hard to understand

But I think it's really important to retain a sense of humour through all of this

My family have a dark sense of humour anyway

And we regularly laugh at ourselves and each other

Because these issues are so heavy

I think it's vital to be able to laugh at ourselves

My family often take the piss out of me with regard to food

They might say 'Who ate all the cake? Was it Ruby the raging bulimic?'

It takes the serious edge off a subject that can be so very dark and mysterious

Sometimes the only thing we can do is laugh

For me

My disorders have always been about getting out of my own head

Away from my own reality

My thoughts

My feelings

An escape

But the thing that I don't always understand is that my reality is not that bad

I have quite a nice life all things considered

I have a living family

I have my health

My animals

Friends 

I'm a fairly intelligent person

But yet

I crave oblivion

I crave checking out of life

And off the planet 

I used to not care whether I lived or died

I really wasn't bothered if I killed myself

But now

Now I want to live 

I've had a taste of what life could be like 

And that life is amazing

And wonderful

And beautiful

Yes it's scary

And confusing

But I would rather be here than not

And that my friends is a freakin' revelation

So if you are reading this today 

And you don't have an ED ot addiction

But you know someone who does

Don't judge

Don't condemn

Don't write them off as difficult 

Take a moment to empathise

Talk to them

Try to understand where they are coming from

Because they are the way they are for a reason