Silver Linings

So

Finally

Thankfully 

I got to a meeting today at lunch time

As you know

I've been trying to get to a meeting for some time now

And recent events have shown me that I need support 

I need to be around others like me 

I need to have some sort of plan in place with regards to my addiction

I can't do this alone

And I am fed up and lonely trying to

I had told a few people that I was planning on going today

So I had some encouragement and support 

And my good friend has been amazing at helping me make sense of things

But just to mess with me

The Boy texted today

He has now moved

And wanted to bring me out to the new house

I had a bit of a battle going on inside my head

Will I meet The Boy?

Will I skip the meeting

I was so tempted to go meet him

But I hard a stern talk with myself

And decided to go to the meeting instead

I was so nervous all morning

That I felt physically sick

I really didn't want to go

And yet I knew I was going to go

I called to my neighbour as her husband died on Tuesday

More of which in another post

I just wanted to keep busy as I knew if I let myself

I would talk myself out of going

Finally it was lunch time 

My nerves were at me big time

And I drove as fast as my heart was beating

I arrived at the venue

There were a few cars outside

One of which I recognised as my friends

I locked my car and headed in

I walked down the short corridor

And when I reached the door of the room

I stood outside it 

For what felt like an eternity 

Having an argument about whether to go in or not

I could hear voices

And the familiar passage of The Big Book

I put my hand on the handle of the door

And walked in

The first thing that hit me was the darkness

All the lights were off

And six people say in a circle 

Around a portable heater

The first face I saw was my friends

She had a huge smile on her face

I recognised a couple of other faces too

I took a seat

And the meeting began

One by one

Everyone spoke 

I had already decided that I wasn't going to speak and just listen 

But hearing everyone else gave me the courage to speak

And I did

I was nervous

And I could hear the wobble in my voice

I was honest

Not felt good

I was glad I went

And then it was over

I spoke to a couple of people after

And my friend gave me a massive hug

Then something a bit strange happened

I was on my way to the bathroom

When one of the men started talking to me

At first he was nice 

And made a lot of sense

But then he started talking about how he is having trouble with his 'sexual conduct'

And porn

I was really taken aback at his candour

And more than that 

I felt really uncomfortable

It was totally inappropriate for him to speak to me like that

As he went in to quite a bit of detail

Which I won't repeat here

I really did not want to hear about this persons sex life

And I'm not quite sure why he thought it was ok to tell me this

Anyway

I know better than to judge AA on just one meeting

And I know that not everyone in the meetings is well

Or even sane

So I won't let this unfortunate incident sway my opinion

So now I am home

I'm sitting with my dogs at my feet

And a cup of tea in my hand

My head feels clear

Free from all the nonsense that had been plaguing me of late

I am so glad that I went

If this whole situation had a silver lining

Maybe it will be that my recovery becomes stronger

And I get back to meetings 

I feel like I have made the first step to getting back on track

I feel positive

Dare I say it 

Hopeful

That things can improve

That I can recover from my addiction

That there is life beyond addiction

And it is a rich and colourful life

Full of happiness that can't be found in a bottle or a pipe or a needle

And I do believe that there is someone out there for me

Not that that's a priority at the moment

It isn't

My priority at the moment is not to use

And once I get on top of that 

Well

Anything is possible