So much for a break.......

I know I said I was taking a break

Or a possible break

But then I realised that this is one of the only outlets I have to vent about this

I need to write about it

I need to make sense of it

As much as I can 

I think it's fair to say that the drugs are now out of my system

I feel like I am back to myself

And I don't look like death warmed up anymore

However 

I feel like I am on the verge of withdrawal 

I'm yawning constantly

My eyes are streaming 

And my nose is running

I hope it doesn't get any worse

As I really can't handle it at the moment

It's bad enough the mental torture I am going through

But to add physical symptoms to that isn't too much for one girl 

My family are on high alert

And the eye is on me

I think back to Saturday

And it's like a bad dream

My mother is the most gentlest kindest person you could meet

She rarely gets angry 

But man

She lost it with me at the weekend

I haven't seen her that upset since I was using years ago

And it was a shock to see it

It really hit home how serious this all is

I've always worried that I am a bad person

I really do t want to be a bad person

I want to be good and honest and decent

But the truth is

When I am using

I am a bad person 

When I am using 

The drug is the only thing that matters

When I am using

Any loyalty or love goes out the window

When I am using

I lie

I cheat

I steal

I manipulate

I become everything that I loathe

It's time to take a good hard look at myself

And decide what kind of person I want to be

This isn't my first rodeo

I know what I need to do

But knowing it and doing it

Are two completely different things 

I can talk the talk

But can I walk the walk?

As you know

For the longest time 

I didn't want to live

I was planning on disappearing

I wasn't actively seeking death

But I welcomed it

I had a passive death wish

I was more afraid of living than I was of dying

But in the last year

Things have changed for me

And for the better

I now can say that I want to live

I want to be alive

I want to love

And laugh and experience everything that life has to offer

To use

Is to choose to stay in deaths waiting room

It's the same with an eating disorder

It's a slow suicide

And I don't want that for me or my family anymore

I want to live

On Monday

My counsellor Breda told me to fake it til I make it

To good through the motions

Until it becomes real for me

Good advice I think

In other news 

I had reflexology done yesterday

It was amazing

So gentle and relaxing

And it was nice to do something good for myself

To help with my well being

Alternative therapy is part of my counselling

And it only costs me €5 per session

Usually it would cost €40

So that is great

Also today 

I am seven months smoke free

And it feels so good

So am trying

Trying to get back on track

To rebuild the trust with my family 

To get and stay clean

To go to meetings and take part

To be a better person

A better daughter

Sister 

Auntie

And friend

I know it will take time

And I need to be patient 

And do the next right thing

Thank you for your comments, emails and texts 

They mean more than you will ever know