This girl is Ruby
This girl is 33
This girl lives with her mother and sister
This girl has two dogs
She is the youngest of four
This girl loves to write
To dance
And to swim
She loves her dogs and her family more than anything
How ever
This girl is flawed
She has made a lot of mistakes
She has come through drug addiction
And anorexia/bulimia
She relapsed recently on drugs
She made many mistakes
Hurt everyone she holds dear to her
She is trying to make it right
But saying sorry only goes so far
She needs to show people she wants to get back on track
This girl struggles every day
To stay clean and sober
Not to binge and purge
She battles her demons constantly
Torn between what her addiction wants her to do
And what she wants to do
This girl has always been told that she has potential
But what does that mean?
That she could do something great
Possibly
Maybe
This girls confidence is perpetually low
Her self esteem is non existent
She needs to be told by others that she is doing ok
Because telling herself isn't enough
This girl is battling self hatred
She never knew it was possible to hate herself so much
She thinks she is a bad person
She is convinced that she is nothing more than a manipulative devious addict
Recent events have proved this theory right
This girl hates her body too
She thinks she is over weight
Even though the scales tell her otherwise
This girl is paralysed by fear
Crippled by anxiety
This girl is on many meds
Sometimes she feels they are the only things holding her together
For a long time this girl wanted to disappear
She didn't care if she lived or died
But now this girl wants to live
She wants to survive
She wants to experience love and laughter and joy
She wants to move on with her life
She doesn't want to be reliant on drugs for the rest of her life
She wants to pursue her education
She wants to work
She wants to have a social life
Friends
A boyfriend
This girl wants to help others through her own experiences
She wants to use her past as a motivator to get well
This girl wants to be a good person
She wants to be better in every area of her life
She is hopeful
She is positive
She is taking baby steps every day
This girl believes in a better life
this girl is a good person that has her own set of addictions.
ReplyDeletethis girl brings joy to other people.
this girl brings hope.
this girl has a life that she mustn't throw away.
this girl has dogs which she cares for dearly.
this girl is beautiful.
this girl needs to realise that nobody else sees her as a number as she does herself.
this girl is not a number.
this girl is not just what we could describe about her.
she is so much more.
this girl survived a lot.
this girl is meant to live this long.
this girl has a body that somehow overcome the abuse, addiction and the pain she puts in it.
this girl needs to take care of her body because all it ever wants to do is let her be alive.
this girl is perfect the way she is.
this girl is loving. this girl is kind.
this girl deserves so much more.
this girl is a survivour.
she is a fighter.
she is not a scared little girl. she should not have the body of a scared little girl.
because she is strong.
-Sam Lupin
Sam you blow me away with your beautiful words
DeleteThank you
Thank you so so much
Love you x
You are really beautiful! And as you are so skinny, could part time modelling be an option for you? Just to get out of the rut? Or do you think that could be bad for your body image?
ReplyDeletedo you read or listen?
DeleteI have been reading this blog for a long time now, but never commented before. But please people stop making fun of her now! She is so brave and so fragile! Of course she is not model material, she is a lady in her mid 30s!
ReplyDeleteRuby, you are so brave to show your face! And we can see that you were using drugs and had an eating disorder and that these things take their toll, but you can be a role model as well as a warning and you ARE helping others! Your blog has kept me from going overboard with my ED especially when you posted pictures a year ago when you were much worse. It really kept me from spiralling down because I never wanted to look sick! You show people what this really is about! Thanks dear, over and over again, Sophie.
some strange comments , maybe meant well, you show your face ruby..you are beautiful
ReplyDeleteand your better life is coming,i just know it. jo xx
No words of advice for you. Just want to remind you that I have faith in you. I know you are stronger than your addiction and your ED. I have faith that you know what needs to be done and have the strength to do it.
ReplyDelete"Sammy Sam
ReplyDeleteI wanted to stop by and thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful comments on my blog"
and i wanted to stop by and remind you that i appreciate yours just as much as you appreciate mine.
"You are truly a special person"
isn't that a nice thing to say? and it's completely true to whoever we say it too. everyone's a diamond, with different clarity, colours, unique in all ways - but so complex that you couldn't put a price tag on them if you tried!
"I hope you know that
You bring so much light and love in to the lives of others"
this makes me smile. the thought of that alone just makes my heart beat with happiness. thank you for telling me this. it is sentences like this that make me want to better myself.
"You have such a good heart
Thank you for being such a good friend
You are one in a million"
and you, too, Ruby. you too.
take care of yourself, darling. don't ever doubt yourself. we've seen too many miracles happen to have any kind of doubt at all, okay?
-Sam Lupin
You're doing okay x
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you are seeing yourself clearly.
ReplyDeleteYou must be unbelievably strong to be able to do so, not many are brave enough.
Take care of yourself and keep walking the path you have chosen, despite the struggles because we are all here walking beside you and you can lean on us when its harder to walk unaided.
You CAN do this.
Big hugs you beautiful girl, you have all of my support
Mandy Devoidde xx