A is for anxiety

Eek I've been averaging about a meeting a day for the last two weeks 

And boy had it made a difference

To my head

My mental health

My mood 

My peace of mind 

My self esteem

All of these things have improved so so much

Now I am wondering why I didn't go back to meetings sooner!

There have been many times over the last few years

When I have slowly driven by a meeting venue

Dying to go in

Yet it seemed so impossible

I just couldn't muster the courage to step in to that room

Thinking about it used to send me in to a frenzy of panic and anxiety

I really doubted that I would ever get back to meetings 

Like a lot of things with me

It was a mental thing

Once I wrapped my head around the fact that if I wanted to get well I had to go to meetings

Then it seemed a lot more doable

It felt possible

Manageable

It was the same when I gave up smoking

Once I made the decision in my head 

And decided to give up

That was half the battle

It just goes to show the power of the mind

And how much it can help or hinder us

I went to an NA meeting last night in town

I was on my own driving in

So I was feeling a bit anxious

I'm not too confident driving in town either

I'm so used to country roads

And back roads

So motor ways and main roads scare me some

Anyway

I made it to the meeting

I was a bit late 

So slipped in to the room

And took a seat

There was about 10 at the meeting

And for some reason I felt majorly anxious

My breathing was short and shallow 

As if I couldn't get enough oxygen in to my lungs

I was dreading having to speak

And at one point didn't think I'd be able to speak at all

But towards the end of the meeting

I found myself saying

My name is a Ruby

And I am an addict

I find speaking quite hard at the best of times

So talking in front of a room full of people can be quite the scary experience

And it's speaking about done very personal stuff

So there is the fear of what people will think of you

As I spoke

I could feel the words falling out of my mouth at a terrific speed 

I could feel one of my legs shaking nervously

As I twisted my other foot around and around 

I'm not entirely sure why I felt so anxious

Sometimes I speak at meetings

And I feel totally comfortable 

With no anxiety at all

But then other times

Anxiety hits me hard

And that makes everything so much harder

Looking back on my life

I can see that I began suffering with anxiety when I was a teenager

I can remember sitting in school

And feeling this overwhelming feeling of panic and fear

I didn't call it anxiety at the time

But now I can see that is what it was

I was bullied in high school too

By girls from another school

It wasn't anything too serious 

But it knocked my confidence

And fuelled my anxiety

I began to get wary around other people

Especially meeting new people

Or people who reminded me of the bullies

That experience has effected me to this day

And how I see myself and others

Since then

I have categorised people in to different sections 

Those I feel comfortable around

Those I fear

Those I can be myself around

And those I want to like me

I can usually make up my mind very quickly who belongs where 

I know this might sound a little strange 

But this the effect that bullying had on me

I deal with anxiety every single day 

In one form or another 

More often than not 

It's the anticipation of an event

That makes me more anxious than the event itself 

It's the run up to it

The thinking about it  

Over thinking it

Analysing 

And dissecting it

The event itself is usually fine

It's such hard work and feeling anxious

I find that I change my personality to suit whoever I am with

Not too much anymore 

But I used to do it a lot  

It is aWlways so refreshing being around someone who you can totally be yourself around

My sister is a good example of this 

She is one of the few people that knows me inside and out

I can be my crazy bat shit self around

And she doesn't bat an eyelid

But when I am out and about 

Anxiety can cripple me 

Not can stop me living my life to its full potential

I am on medication for anxiety 

But I do wonder how much it really helps

I was wondering about you 

Do you suffer from anxiety?

If yes

How do deal with it?