Unfollowed

I don't tend to worry about the number of followers I have

But I've noticed in the past week

I've been unfollowed three times 

And I am wondering why that is

I know that I've let certain people down over the last couple of months

I know people were disappointed when I relapsed

I've also been getting some nasty anonymous comments 

I don't know if the two are connected

And also the tone of my blog has changed recently

And is much more recovery orientated 

I know that's not as interesting to read about as the highs and lows of addiction or living with an ED

Maybe people don't want to read about my getting my life together 

And that's ok

I would rather have ten people read about my recovery

Than 100 people read about my relapse

I guess it hurts a little bit

It's like someone in real life telling you that they don't want to be friends any more

I know on the last couple of weeks 

I've been paying a lot more attention to my real life relationships 

And my real life

And less time to my blogging life

I try to blog everyday still

But I've had to invest time in my relationships with family and friends

As I had really neglected them

I was talking with my addiction counsellor Breda on Monday

We were talking about the topic of friendship

She was asking me about my friends

I told her that I have a few close friends

Not many

But the ones I have are real and honest and loyal

The rest are acquaintances 

Who I pass the time of day with

But no more than that

Know that I am back attending meetings

My social circle is expanding 

But I am pretty choosy about who I become friends with

I would much rather have a few good friends 

Rather than lots of people who are not true friends 

As you know 

I have two older sisters

And that is awesome 

As its like having two best friends who are always there no matter what

Apart from that

I guess Marie would be my best friend

Then I have my good friend from treatment

My ex sponsor

And a couple of others who I see regularly

I tend to be quite a shy person

Until I get to know you

Then I show you who I really am

But I can be a bit paranoid when it comes to other people

I always assume that people don't like me

I mean 

I don't like myself very much

So why would others like me?

Over the last couple of weeks

I've been meeting a lot of people at meetings

And people who I used to know

I've been welcomed back in to the rooms so warmly 

And that surprised me a little

I guess I thought that no one would have missed me

And not even noticed that I had left

But they did

And that is surprising to me

In the midst of my addiction and ED

I pulled away from all of my friends

So I am only really starting to see people again

And to want to see people

Not hide away from the world

As it turns out

I am quite a sociable person

I love to chat

And laugh

And really get on with someone

But sometimes fear and anxiety get the better of me

And I clam up

And can't talk at all

I hate when that happens

As I think people can think I am standoffish or cold 

It's not that at all 

It's that I am paralysed by fear

At the meeting yesterday 

I read a reading about people pleasing

The writer described how they used to 'turn themselves in to a pretzel' trying to please others

I could relate to this so much

I am a confirmed people pleaser

I want people to like me

So I do everything I can to make that happen

Even if it hurts me

Even if it doesn't suit me

Even if though it feels wrong

I put others needs before my own

It's not a nice way to live your life

They say in order to recover

You have to be a bit selfish

I now know what this means 

You know when you are on a plane

And they are doing the safety demo

They always say to put your own oxygen mask on

Before you put others on

I get this now

We are no use to anyone 

If we are not well ourselves

It makes perfect sense really

So I will go my best to do this

It will be a new and scary experience

But it's all part of my recovery

It's simple 

But it's not easy

I was wondering about you

Do you have many friends?

Do you believe that quality is better than quantity?

What do you think makes a good friend?

I'd love to know......