Monday Monday

TI was so glad to make it to today

Yesterday was a tough day

It started out ok

I brought the dogs for our usual walk

It was a beautiful day weather wise

I came home

My sister and her friend were going out for the day

But I elected to stay at home

Thinking that I wanted some time to myself

So I ended up being home alone all day

And I did nothing but watch tv

A few hours in

And I could feel my head starting to go

I started thinking

And over thinking

And ruminating 

I could feel the madness setting in

And I didn't like it

I was supposed to meet a friend in the evening before my meeting

But he cancelled 

So I had the whole day alone

About two hours before the meeting

I began to argue with myself whether to go or not

I was going around in circles in my head

And couldn't make a decision one way or the other

My mother came home 

And I was I foul humour

I finally decided to go to the meeting

But I was now running late and needed to hussle

I jumped in my car

Feeling under pressure

I was speeding along 

I got on to the main road

And I could feel the anxiety building in me

Then it all got too much

And I had to pull in to the side of the road

I didn't know what to do

I felt so overwhelmed 

I rang my mum

And she told me to go home 

So I turned around 

And admitted defeat

I got home

And felt like utter crap

I really wanted and needed to get to a meeting 

And was beating myself up that I didn't go

My mother told me to write off the day

And start a fresh today

I haven't been to a meeting since Saturday

And I really feel it

I feel tense 

Anxious

A little bit crazy 

It just goes to show 

I do need a meeting every day at the moment

I need all the help I can get right now

But if nothing else

I learned something from this weekend

That I shouldn't spend too long on my own

And I need regular meetings

I had my doctor appointment this morning as yesterday was a bank holiday

I woke up feeling a lot better

And headed in for 9 am

He mentioned the fact that we were supposed to decrease my methadone today 

I put up no fight

As I am all out of excuses and reasons not to

So it was dropped from 26 to 24 mls

I probably won't even notice it to be honest

For the last couple of years

I've been having a lot of trouble with the nail on my big toe 

It was in grown in the past

And part of it had to be removed

And then it started to discolour 

And grew extremely thick

I've been meaning to show it to my doctor for months

And finally got around to it today

He said it would have to come off

And made an appointment for me for next Tuesday

I don't even mind

I am just glad that fine thing is being five about it at long last

After my doctor

I had an appointment with my counsellor Breda 

We talked about a lot of things

She really is very good

One of the best I have seen

It's great because there are so many positives in my life right now

So many things to be grateful for 

I have so much support

And as I always say

If love and support could get me well

I would have got well a long time ago

I even feel better about my body image today

Which is so good 

Eve made the point on my last post

That feeling ugly at certain times is not an ED thing

It's a girl thing

And you know I think she is right

I think a lot of the time

Our confidence

And self esteem

Is connected to our appearance

It shouldn't be 

But it is

So I tried on my outfit again today

Here it is......