Post, delete, repeat

After my last post

A reader left a comment expressing concern about what I had written

That I seemed to be boasting about my weight loss 

After reading this comment

I went back and re-read my post

And having done this

Promptly deleted it

That post was written by someone who was high on weight loss

I was revelling in it

And though I don't think I was boasting about losing weight

This post was definitely not healthy

And not written by someone who claims to be in recovery

Apologies for that

And thank you to the reader that had the courage to tell me the honest truth

Yea it's true that I have lost weight

But it's nothing to worry about

At least I think it's not

I'm still at a healthy weight

I still consider myself to be in recovery

I don't want to promote weight loss

Or eating disorders

And I think I was coming worrying close to that on my last post

Recovery is hard

It's more about progress than perfection as they say in the rooms

And I am most definitely not doing it perfectly

Sometimes I feel the lure of my ED

Sometimes it seems like the only option

I've had a family situation here over the weekend

Something that I won't go in to here

I will say that it upset me a lot

And I turned to the coping mechanism that I've used for 14 years

My ED

At the time it seems to help

Maybe in the short term

But in the long term it creates more problems than it solves

It's up to me to put the brakes on now

To maintain my weight

And maintain my recovery

I am in charge of my own destiny

I am the maker of my own dreams

I don't want to relapse

I don't want to be underweight

I just wanted to be happy in my own skin

I thought I would be at this weight 

And I am 

Kind of

Some of the time 

I guess it's part of the illness that we struggle greatly with body image

And that doesn't go away over night

I guess this is all part of the path of recovery

Sometimes we vere off course

Sometimes we get distracted

Or lured back in by our disorder

We think we want to go back to that life

Because life was simple then

Only one thing mattered

The illness

And losing weight

Recovery is an altogether different beast

There are challenges every single day

It's not an easy choice

Recovery can be tricky

It can be head wrecking

Dull

Monotonous 

Boring

Anxiety provoking 

Terrifying

But I would still choose it over my disorder any day of the week

Again

Apologies

Call it a momentary lapse in judgment

Call it being drunk on weight loss 

But that is not me

Any one who knows me knows that

I'm not giving up

I'm not giving in

Not by a long shot