The weighting game

I was reading back over my weight notebook last night

I go through periods of recording my weight

Although sometimes I don't want to be reminded of my weight

I tend to only record it if it's going down 

As you know

It was around this time last year that I began to regain weight

It happened quite suddenly and quickly

But I didn't feel too bad about it

That was until I kept getting bigger

And my weight hit an all time high around September

I was really uncomfortable

I felt so big and cumbersome

And I don't think it suited me at all

Some people can carry a bit of extra weight

But my frame is so small that any excess is really noticeable 

I can remember going out for lunch for my mums birthday around this time

The weather was amazing

And I wore a dress

I can remember feeling so self conscious

I hated my new curvy shape

It was also around this time that I gave up smoking

And I know I was eating more to fill the hole

Then as suddenly as I put in on

I began to lose it again

And lost almost twenty pounds

I was back weighing myself every day

Back obsessing about the number

I was bordering on a healthy weight

And I actually felt ok in my skin

Recently I put back on a few pounds

And wasn't feeling great about it

That's when I began to restrict again

I hadn't restricted in years

Thought I couldn't do it any more

But it's amazing how we can slip back in to old behaviours 

Like a comfortable pair of slippers

My weight is back down to a BMI of 19

Nothing to worry about 

Yet

I'm now at the weight that was my target weight when I was in hospital

It's bearable

It's manageable

I feel ok in my clothes

I think back to when I was 20 pounds heavier

And I don't know how I tolerated it

It's such a horrible feeling 

When your clothes begin to feel tight

When you are spilling out of them

When all your favourite clothes are too small

It's soul destroying 

And the thing is

When your weight is at a healthy point

People assume that because you look ok

Then you must be ok

And you don't want to explain that your still in the grip of your disorder

The only thing that's changed is the number on the scale

You don't want to tell them that you can't stand yourself and your body

It's a miserable place to be

The ideal thing now 

Would be to maintain this weight

I feel something approaching ok at this weight

I know that I ned to address the restriction 

Before it gets out of hand

When my mum came back from work this week

She commented that I looked like I had lost weight

My ED was overjoyed to hear this

And added fuel to the fire that is my disorder

I know I need to put the brakes on now

And not hurtle head first down the rabbit hole

I've come too far to let that happen again

I was wondering about you

Have you ever been in this position?

When you regained weight

Was it all over the place like money?

Do let me know....