The jockey

I was listening to the radio the other day

There was a jockey being interviewed 

He had just raced in the Grand National

For anyone that doesn't know

The Grand National is a horse race that happens every year

It's very prestigious 

And also very dangerous

As there are so many horses

There are often many casualties

Anyway

This jockey was speaking

The interviewer was female

And I was wondering if she was going to ask him about his weight 

As that would be the first question I asked him

And she did

She asked him what his competing weight was

He told her that he was 5'10

And weight a certain weight

I quickly worked out my weight in comparison to his

And came to the conclusion that he weighed less than me for his height

This really disturbed me

The thought that I weighed more than a man

I know that jockeys are like boxers

In that they strictly control their weight for competing

And they are probably not the healthiest people in the world 

But still

I couldn't get the though out of my Head

I guess you could say that this massively triggered me

I have been struggling with restriction anyway

And this has just added fuel to the fire

I'm going long periods of time without eating

And getting a great kick out of having an empty belly

Seeing the numbers on the scale go down is also addictive

I badly need to reign myself in

My behaviours are all over the place

I'm seeing Mary next week

And I guess that is playing on my mind too

I know she will weigh me

And I am dreading it

I guess sometimes I still feel the need to live up or down to the label of anorectic 

Plus I hate being weighed 

I hate knowing my own weight

And more than that

I hate anyone else knowing my weight

To me it is such a personal thing

So to have an audience is beyond difficult

I wish the professionals wouldn't be so reliant on what the scale says

I mean

Can't they go by what I tell them?

Or how I present?

We are told do often that weight doesn't matter when it comes to EDs

But clearly it does

Because otherwise we wouldn't be weighed so much

For the first few years of my ED

I never weighed myself

It never even occurred to me

It wasn't until the professionals started weighing me that the number started to matter

It seemed important to them

So it became important to me

I've gained weight since I last saw Mary

That it is no secret

I realise that I am a healthy weight

With a BMI of 20

But still

I am worried about what she will think of me

Even though rationally I know she will be nothing but happy for me

I'm still worried 

I can feel that I've lost weight

I can feel it in my stomach

And I can see it in my legs

God forgive me for enjoying that

The scale is my friend now

Because the numbers are going down

For so long they went the other way

And the scale was my nemesis 

But I wish it didn't matter either way