Ever since that meeting on Wednesday
I still don't know if I am being paranoid
If I am imagining things
Or if what I think happened really happened
Either way is not a good result
Either I am inventing false scenarios in my head
Or I am too sensitive
Or meetings really are a hostile place
Neither outcome is a good one
I've talked it over with a few people
My sister suggested that I don't put pressure on myself
And maybe take a break from meetings for a few days
I was supposed to go to a couple yesterday
But backed out
Just couldn't face it
I guess I could go and not speak
Which is probably what I will do
When I go back
I just don't know when that will be
I won't stay away too long
Just long enough to get my head together
I was thinking as I was walking my dogs this morning
About how much weight I put in what others think of me
And I hate that
I would love to be more like my sister
And not give a flying fuck what people think about me
I would love to go through life saying exactly what I want to say
Doing what I want to do
And caring in the slightest what anyone thought
How freeing that would be
And also anxiety
Anxiety is killing me at the moment
There are certain safe things I do everyday
But outside of that
I am a ball of nerves
And I can't handle it
I just can't handle it!
I was so tempted to text The Boy yesterday
I just wanted to call out to him
Drink poppy tea to my hearts content
And talk shite for a few hours
I came close
But I didn't
The consequences are too severe
But I have to admit
I did overuse my meds today
Is that the same thing?
I'm not quite sure
All I know
Is that I need a break
My head needs a break
I need to check off the planet for a while
Have a day off of life
I want to sleep
Sleep until it all doesn't matter anymore
The thing is though
We only have one life
One chance at this thing we call living
What is the point in tip-toeing through it
Afraid
Shy
Timid
Fearful
Walking on eggshells for fear of rocking the boat
Who cares if we rock the boat?
Rocking the boat is fun!
Rock on I say!
But If only I could just do it
Instead of talking about it
In my family
I am very gregarious and outspoken
But in real life I am a timid little mouse
And I don't want to be a mouse
I just want all this fear and anxiety inside me to turn in to courage and strength and confidence
Confidence
That's another thing that alludes me
I literally have none
Not a jot
Not an iota
Not even a little bit
That sucks major balls!
That's why I love writing
And hate speaking
With writing
I can get the words out at my own pace
In my own speed and time
With speaking I just get too nervous to say what I want to say
And it inevitably comes out arse ways
So what's a nervous anxious girl to do?
How do you build strength and confidence?
I guess by living life
Experiencing different things
Education
Hobbies
Work
Friends
Doing new things
Taking risks
Living a full and varied life
No one said living would be easy
I was wondering about you
How do you think you conquer anxiety and a lack of confidence?
Have you any exercises or tips?
How do you deal with these things?
I would love to know....
Fake it till you make it, that's how I do it. It works for a couple of hours, enough to meet the real world in moderate doses.
ReplyDeleteHaving a mantra actually helps a bit. Closing down, just repeating it over and over until the anxiety fades; it's a quick fix that usually works until I'm back to safety of my home.
Thanks for the tips CP
DeleteIt always good to know how others deal
I actually feel a lot better this evening
I spoke to my sister
The one who also goes to meetings
And that really helped
Baby steps all the way..... X
I meditate. Since I started doing that I noticed my stress levels dropping considerably.
ReplyDeleteI get a horrible rash on my hands when I'm having anxiety or a lot of stress, and it flared up about a month ago, I took up meditating again, and in four days it had cleared up completely (here is a post I wrote about meditation a few days ago http://devoidde.blogspot.com.es/2015/04/meditation.html )
Apart from that, as a more immediate solution, I close my eyes, take a deep breath, see the thing that is making me feel bad in my head and keep repeating "it's ok" in my mind. I visualise the words appearing and forming a wall in front of what's making me anxious and covering it completely with light. It's weird, I know, it's just something that works for me and that I started doing as a child. I don't remember ever not doing it.
I agree with cp too, having a mantra, or positive affirmations does help a lot.
I think different things work for different people, and I hope you find what gives you peace ^-^
Sending you big hugs and I hope you feel better soon my dear.
Take care lovely lady
Mandy xx
Thanks for this Mandy
DeleteIt was really helpful
I'm glad you have found something that works for you
I guess I need to find my own coping mechanisms
Breathing deeply helps some
And I do mindfulness when I remember
I will keep going though
Thanks for being there x
^Like Mandy I get physical upsets resulting from the mental ones (mostly tummy issues I'm sure you don't need to hear) and sometimes hives all over my stomach.
ReplyDeleteMusic is my most powerful medicine. I would be dead (literally) without music. Sometimes just taking ten minutes alone to blast some of your favourite music is all you need to get through the rest of the day. If you have good loud speakers in your house, I would recommend blasting classical music and just laying on the couch for a bit (Beethoven's 9th is good, and Verdi's Requiem). Do you have a car? Or a car you can borrow? Going on long drives (and blasting music) can be a good way to calm nerves as well.
Also with trouble getting to sleep because of all the bad thoughts, I've found that watching something funny really helps. Father Ted, Blackadder, and Tim Hawkins standup comedy are my go-to remedies on the extra-sleepless nights. ....make sure you use the loo before watching Tim Hawkins though, I've had near accidents...
Thanks Mich for your suggestions
DeleteThey are all great ones
I guess I need to find what works for me
Try different strategies
And use them
Music is amazing think
I love to just put in my head phones
And go for a long walk with my dogs
You really can't beat that
Hope you are well x
i dont think i have really but after loads bad stuff happening didn't go out much but still had to school shopping helping mum etc.. funny thing found putting the bins out harder. still don't think I'm employable but doing voluntary work, mostly thats good as i got very bored never been home all day before, but often want to curl up disappear and not leave home,in way I'm fortunate to have no choice or i wouldnt.you don't have to go if it makes you unhappy,thats one thing i learnt,apart from looking after family or money needs we make our own goals, if its causing you worry stop.you seemed to be doing well anyway lots love jo xx
ReplyDeleteI've decided to take a break from meetings Jo
DeleteJust for a couple of days while I get my head together
It's all too much right now
Thank you for your continued support Jo
It means so much x