When the going gets tough.....

It was yesterday

I felt good 

My peace of mind was intact

I had no worries

Nothing on my mind

In the evening 

My friend picked me up

And we headed to a meeting

We chatted and laughed on the way

And arrived at the meeting slightly late

It was an AA meeting

One my sister usually attends

Although she wasn't there last night

We walked in to the room 

It was packed

We grabbed seats where we could

And the meeting started

The was a girl telling her story 

It was really good listening to her

I could identify a lot

The the meeting proper started 

I didn't like the way it was run

The chair person picked people at random to share

So you never knew when your name was going to be called

It sent my anxiety in to over drive

I didn't like it

All of a sudden

My name was called

My heart was thumping in my chest

I wanted to just run out of the room

I began to speak

I could hear the shake in my voice

I was trying to say that I could relate to the speaker when she talked about treatment

And the family days

How I been on both sides of the family day

Both the patient

And the family member 

And how hard that was

But I think when I was speaking it came out arseways

And once I had finished speaking 

I realise that people may have thought I was talking about my sister

When in actual fact I had my dad in mind

And this was my sisters home group

So everyone knew her well there

One by one everyone spoke

A girl at the end shared how she couldn't understand some of the things she heard at meetings

That she had a brother in recovery

And was very close to him

I started to get paranoid that her comment was directed at me

And started to feel really uncomfortable

Again 

I just wanted to run

The meeting finished up 

And cups of tea were made

There were a good few women at the meeting 

And we all gathered to have a chat

In my eyes

Everyone seemed so confident and together

They all seemed perfectly content in themselves

I on the other hand

Felt so out of place

So awkward

I froze 

I couldn't speak

I couldn't join in the conversation

I just sat there

Like the socially inept person that I am

I could feel tears stinging the back of my eyes

That old familiar feeling of not fitting in was back

It hit me like a smack in the face

And completely threw me

I started thinking all sorts of paranoid thoughts

These people don't like me

They don't like what I shared 

They'll probably all talk about me when I'm gone

They think I'm a bad person

They hate me

And this went on and on in a loop in my head

We finally left the meeting at 10pm

I was dying to get home 

My friend and I chatted again on the way back to my house

I laughed about how I am a social retard

But then as she pulled in to my drive way

I suddenly felt really sad

And the tears came

My friend was great

She promised me that things would get better

And that she was there for me 

I pulled myself together

But I knew it was just a matter of time before the huge dam  of tears broke again

I hugged my friend 

And she left

I got in to my house 

Stopping in the kitchen to pet the dogs

They never cease to make me feel better

I went on to the living room

My sister was watching The Island

I sat down

And feel apart

Hot fat tears fell from my eyes

Landing on my lap

My sister jumped up to hug me

I told her what had happened 

She told me that I was being paranoid

That everyone loves me

I cried some more

And she sat and soothed me

She wrapped me in a blanket

And made me cups of sweet tea

I began to feel a little better

But as I lay in bed that night

I replayed the evenings events in my head over and over again 

Fighting with myself

Telling myself to shut up

And generally driving myself completely nuts 

It got to the point where I really though I was going mad

It was exhausting

I go to meetings to feel better

And here I was

A complete mess after attending something that is supposed to help me

I felt so confused 

The urge to use was massive

I kept thinking

One phone call 

And I could have sweet oblivion

Numbness

Nothingness

I wanted it so bad

Knowing my two using friends were close by was so tempting

But for some reason

I didn't ring them

And I didn't use

I kind of figured it would just make everything worse

Even if it did temporarily ease my pain

And even more worrying than using

I actually had some very strong suicidal thoughts

The though they I could end my pain was comforting

And the idea of disappearing seemed very attractive

I wondered how much of my meds it would take to kill me 

I actually planned it in my head

But again

I came to the conclusion that that wasn't an option

It might be the end of my pain

But it would open up a world of hurt for my family

I can't do that to them

So I considered my other options?

I could continue on

Keep going to meetings 

Hang in there 

Keep plugging away at recovery

And hopefully my anxiety will lessen

And my confidence will grow

Hopefully 

So I made a deal with myself

I will give recovery a fair shot for 6 months

And if nothing improves

I can always go back to the drug

The drug will always be there

My recovery might not be

So that's what I'm going to do

Also I think I'm going to stay silent at meetings got the next while

I just get too anxious and worked up about the whole speaking thing

So I'm not going to

I guess this is all part of recovery

But it really sucks!

I just want to be well now!

I want to be confident now!

I want to be anxiety free now!

But these things take time

And I know I need to actively work on them 

But flippin' heck

I am losing the will to live over here

Literally 

I'm just really tired 

Tired of fighting

Tired of this uphill battle

I just hope the view at the top is worth it.....