Thursday 18 June 2015

Tough session

I saw Mary yesterday
I wasn't expecting it
But it was a really tough session
With all the elements for a good drama
Anger 
Tears
Tragedy 
Comedy 
I feel like I ran the gamut of emotions
All in the space of the hour

First things first 
Mary wanted to weigh me
I had no objection to this 
As I had weighed that morning
And knew what my weight was
I didn't look at the number as I stood on the scale
For some reason 
Seeing the number is harder that hearing it
I put my shoes back on
She asked me what I thought my weight was
I gave her a number
Then she told me 
And flippin' Norah
It was two kilos heavier than my scale at home
Cue complete meltdown 

I just wanted to run out of the room 
At first I felt anger
Anger at myself for being so effected by the number
Anger at Mary's scales 
And anger at Mary for weighing me on her cruel heavy  scales 
She continued to speak to me
Asking me why I put so much weight on what I weigh
I barely heard of what she was saying
Couldn't even look her in the eye
I remember her saying that I was one pound heavier than I was last week
And that could be muscle, faeces or fluid
I know that 
But it doesn't make it any easier

Mary wanted me to write a pros and cons list with her
About the benefits of having an ED
And the negatives
By now 
I had my head in my hands
And tears were stinging my eyes
I couldn't write the list
It was taking all my energy not to tear my own hair out

Earlier on in the session
I had been telling Mary how I compare myself to my sister
How I'm always interested in her weight
And sometimes ask her to try on my clothes 
So I can see the difference in what we weight
This is very eating disordered I know
And I need to stop doing it
Mary challenged me on this 
And I was starting to feel attacked
Although looking back 
I wasn't attacked
She was asking difficult questions 
Questions that need to be answered if I am going to recover
I said to Mary 
'I think I should go'
But she continued to speak to me
Now trying to make me see sense 

I said I didn't understand why I needed to be weighed 
When knowing the number had such a negative impact 
She said that it's important to know my set point
And to have at least an idea what I weigh
I don't agree 
But I see her point 

I was now starting to feel a little better
The initial shock of hearing the number was wearing off
Mary asked me to write a list of where I would like to be in five years time
I listed ten things 
From being clean and sober 
To having my own place 
From recovering from my ED
To being in a relationship
Mary then asked me to number them in order of importance
Which I did

'Ruby
If you want to get well
And not care about weight or shape
These are the things you should concentrate on
Don't compare yourself to others
Don't body check
Don't weigh obsessively 
These are the things that matter to you really 
And if you do achieve them
Then you will be happy'

I've heard it a million and one times
That happiness works from the inside out
Not the outside in
But for some reason
Hearing Mary say those words 
It suddenly clicked with me
I'm not going to be happy if I hang my happiness on my weight 
Because it's losing game
A game I can never win
Because my ED is never satisfied
Never

It's the same with my buying clothes all the time
I buy them because I think I will be happy when I have that item of clothing
And I am
For five minutes it fills the hole in my soul
But after the novelty has worn off
I'm on the hunt for the next hoody, trousers, trainers
It's like a drug
Once you get and use the drug
You feel massive relief
But it doesn't last 
And so its on to the next fix

Hearing Mary say these words today
Looking at that list 
And feeling so raw and emotional
I suddenly had the revelation that no
I will never get well
Or be happy 
If I continue the way I am going 
With my food
With my meds 
With my constant need to shop for clothes
They are all just symptoms of a greater problem
And that problem is that I don't like me
That I am not worthy unless I am skinny
That I can only deal with life when I pop a pill
That me Ruby
A 33 year old woman
Can not handle life on life's terms
I'm looking for happiness in all the wrong places
Looking for quick fixes that temporarily ease the pain
But in reality they only postpone it
And it comes back two fold 
Again and again

We were coming to the end of our session
Mary acknowledged that this was one of the hardest sessions I've had
She is not wrong
This is all stuff I don't want to look at
Never mind deal with it 
But I must if I am going to get well

Yesterday's session was a bit of a revelation
I finally saw for the first time
That happiness does not come in a pill
It's not a clothes size
Or a number on a scale
Happiness comes from the inside
Finding self worth
Self confidence
And self esteem
In knowing that I am ok just the way I am
That I don't need to change my appearance to fit in with society's idea of perfection
I have come through drug addiction
Alcoholism
Anorexia and bulimia 
I'm lucky to have even made it this far
What I look like is irrelevant
I'm just glad to be still standing 

I don't know why this has never registered with me before
That in order to live a happy life
I need to do the things I love
Surround myself with people I love 
And reach for the goals I've set myself
I guess I am a slow learner
As this is only beginning to dawn on me
Better late than never I guess

Even though it was a really tough session
It ended well
She asked me jokingly if I wanted to come back next week
And I thanked her for putting up with me
This is exactly the reason why everyone needs a Mary in their lives
A lesser councillor would have been at loss as what to do when I had my meltdown
And was hiding my face in my hands for ten minutes
In short 
Mary was well able for me
And she does it all in a kind way
I left the session feeling a little better
A bit clearer about what I need to do
So I marched out in to the big bad world 
My list of goals in one hand 
My car key in the other
Ready to do battle with this bitch
Once and for all.....



11 comments:

  1. "For five minutes it fills the hole in my soul

    But after the novelty has worn off

    I'm on the hunt for the next hoody, trousers, trainers

    It's like a drug

    Once you get and use the drug

    You feel massive relief

    But it doesn't last 

    And so its on to the next fix"


    SO TRUE!!! It's at the heart of ALL this!

    I think you had a really good session.

    Ruby I'm so glad you've made it this far! My life is richer for knowing you.

    Screw the weight. I'm even now tempted to think "oh my life would be better at xx ". Then I force myself to remember my life was SHIT at that "perfect weight"

    Self esteem is the KEY
    We must keep faking it til me make it!
    Keep on truckin'
    Etc......

    :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh that was me Shelby btw

      Delete
    2. Hey Shelby,

      Yes I guess the tough ones are the good ones
      This time last year I could never have done it
      I just wouldn't have had the strength
      So I think it's a good sign that these issues are being addressed

      Aw that's sweet of you to say
      I love to get your comments
      Always thoughtful and honest
      And I appreciate that
      Tough love I think is needed with me a lot of the time

      Thanks for your continued support Shelby x

      Delete
  2. What the heck is with doctors' scales, they always give you a higher number than the scales at home.

    I think while you're still recovering, it's important that the doctor weigh you, to make sure you're not dropping a load of weight. Once you're more recovered, though, I don't think it's necessary to know you're weight. Idk, I could just be biased. You know I don't weigh myself ever (not since like....2011?), and to be perfectly honest, I am still afraid of scales.

    When you're ready, throw the scale away. It is an abusive boyfriend to those of us with ED's.

    You've taken so many huge leaps in the last month. Think of how many more you can take. <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is my forth scales in a year
      The first one I threw in to the lake near my house
      The second one I smashed with a hammer
      And the third one I gave away
      As much as I hate the bloody things
      I still feel compelled to do it

      Mary and I agreed not to weigh for a couple of weeks
      But in all honesty
      I don't know how long I will last

      And yes
      What is it with silly doctor scales
      Are they trying to drive us nuts? X

      Delete
    2. Make it a contest for yourself, not weighing. If you go one day, you can go another day. If you go 2 days, you can go another 2 days. ....and so on. Might make it easier?

      Delete
  3. Those sessions are the worst and the best all at once. My counselor in rehab knew exactly how to push my buttons and get me talking about the things I promised I wouldn't talk about. She knew when to push and then when to back off to get these deep, emotional things out of me. Sometimes I didn't even realize things bothered me until she got me thinking about them. I don't know where I'd be without her. Sounds like your Mary is the same. I'm glad you have someone like that in your life to help you along the way.

    I was just at my doctor's as well, and the nurse said we need a recent wait. I panicked immediately, since I've forced myself to stop weighing. They weigh me when I see the dietitian at treatment but that's once a month. So I was so worried I pretended I didn't hear her. So she asked again. Then all of a sudden the words "Just don't tell me the number, I have an eating disorder" popped out of my mouth. I have no idea where they came from. I regretted the choice not to know as soon as I said it. Now I've been obsessing about it all day. But I had found out, that also would have thrown me into this worried, obsessed state. So I don't really know whether or not it's good to know. Seems like there's cons for both. And scales can be such tricky bastards! You never know which ones are correct. They all say different things. I either believe the lowest or the highest. Depending on my mood.

    But anyways, I'm glad you have such a huge break through. It's great because it's one thing to KNOW all of this, and another to actually BELIEVE and APPLY it to your life. Like one of the WFS statements is 'Happiness is a habit I will develop'. I say it every day and once per week at the meeting. Yet knowing this doesn't make it any easier to do. So bravo for actually having such a huge realization about your happiness and working towards your goals. It really shows how far you've come because it's showing that you're no longer just you addiction/ED identity, you actually have goals, dreams, and plans to find out what you love. You've definitely pushed your disorders aside a bit. So be proud. :)

    By the way, I LOVE that you said you're ready to battle this bitch! When I was first starting treatment my friend Nicole said (regarding my BN) "Kick that bitch to the curb. Tell her, 'Peaceout Motherf**ker!'" I've used it as my recovery motto ever since. So it's funny you said that. And it's totally true. We all need to just get rid of these evil bitches in our heads once and for all.

    Much love, xx.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know
      I was emotionally drained when I came out of that session
      But only Mary could I have had that conversation with
      Because she gets it and I am able to have a candid and frank discussion with her and still walk out friends at the end

      She is a total bitch
      ED not Mary
      There is no other word for her
      But together we can best this thing
      And reclaim our lives
      Our bodies
      And our minds

      Love to you too x

      Delete
  4. Your meltdown over being weighed is so familiar to me, I have been there and it is not a fun place to be. I just hate it and I don't understand why I can't just tell them my figures from home- but the fact is I have lied about it so why would they trust me and also, as I am reminded at every session, why is it such a big deal? I can be really tackling behaviours in between sessions and making so much progress through difficult stuff but I get on the scale, see the number and bam I've my head in my hands sobbing....
    How freeing would it be though to not place our self worth on our weight? i don't know if it possible but it does sound like a lovely world to live in so it's definitely worth trying.
    It seems like you're working through some big thought processes the last while about meds, weight etc. and although I'm sure it is hard for you it's so encouraging to see, I'm kind of excited for you and your future, one step at a time...
    H

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks H
      I know right?
      It's scary how effected we are by the number
      In reality I was less than half a kilo up on the previous week on Mary's scales
      But the difference between her scale and mine really sent me over the edge
      Mary handled it well though
      And after a while I got over it
      And left feeling a little better

      I am holding on for the day when my weight doesn't matter
      Then I will know that I am truly in recovery

      Yes there is a lot going on isn't there
      But it's all good
      I just have to keep telling myself that x

      Delete
  5. i feel like it really did click with you.

    sometimes, the things we need to hear the most aren't the things that we want to hear. sometimes, our medicine tastes so bitter that we cringe away and look away, but honestly, we can't keep living in a bubble of disorder all our lives with no means for improvement.

    as you go on, you start to do things yourself. i am still highly, highly disordered, but oh, there are things that i did that i didn't think i'd do. i am progressing in the smallest way possible. i always think that it means nothing because it's so small but it means so much and i just can't see it because i am blind to myself getting both worse and better.

    i think it's just something you've got to go through yourself. not recovery. but finding out things on your own. like you said that it clicked to you when Mary said that. that's the thing. people can say the same thing one thousand times, but it's only when it clicks that's when it makes the difference.

    i hope that you keep on holding on, Ruby. you're a fighter, i know you are.

    and two kilos up three kilos down five up whatever i don't care. most of us do not care about your weight. you are not a number and i refuse to reduce you to a point where you are nothing but that. because that is unfair to you that i am looking at your outer shell when there is so much good inside.

    why focus on the wrapping and the box when there's such a good gift in you? <3

    -Sam Lupin

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for leaving some love x