Monday

Gosh Monday morning comes around very quickly

We watched the Wimbledon men's final yesterday 

Although I slept through most of it

As the antics of the weekend caught up on me

My Dad was minding my dogs

So we arrived home early evening

The dogs went nuts when we came in to the house 

They gave us such a warm welcome

And then conked out in their beds for the night

I had a shower

Got in to my pyjamas

And settled down for the night

It wasn't long before I was asleep again on the couch

In fact I don't even remember going to bed

All too soon it was morning 

And time to get up

I sat in the waiting room of the doctors for over half an hour before I was called in

When I was 

We talked about various things 

Including the weather

His golf game

And of course the tennis

He didn't mention my blog this week

So I am taking it that he didn't read it

Thank God

He mentioned reducing my methadone e again

I asked if we could wait another week

He agreed 

I was relieved 

He said next week for sure though

Because we have lost so much ground

But I know full well that next week I'll be asking him to wait another week

The truth is 

That I am I no hurry to come off the methadone

It really wouldn't bother me if I was on it for the rest of my life

I shit you not 

My mind and body are so used to it

Taking my methadone is the first thing I do every morning 

I can't imagine life without it

And quite frankly I don't want to

I know it's not healthy

I know I should be trying hard to come off it

But I am on it over ten years now

It's in my bones by this stage

It's an integral part of my life

Even the routine of going to the doctor every Monday morning is ingrained in me

I know I should probably be more enthusiastic about coming off it

About being truly clean and sober

But I'm not

And I don't 

And I don't know if that will ever change

The things is 

That I am on quite a lot of meds

And combining them all together 

Even just one days dose

Is enough to get me slightly out of my head 

Enough to make me sleepy and groggy

And I love that feeling 

And the other thing is

That now my high is legal

It's prescribed

I'm supposed to take it

So there is none of the scrimping and saving

And ducking and diving that goes along with heroin or any other drug

And it's free

I don't have to steal to get money for my drug

It's handed to me legally 

Over a shop counter 

So where is the onus to get clean?

Well when getting my drug is this easy

There really is none

The truth is 

That I am comfortable where I am

Comfortably numb to quote Pink Floyd

I have all the benefits of the drug

With none of the negative consequences

I have a constant and steady supply of meds

They cost me less than ten euros a month

I'm trusted to take a weeks meds at a time

And that suits me just fine

But the thing is

That although I am perfectly fine to stay where I am

My doctor is on a mission to get me off it completely 

If it was up to him

I would have been off it years ago

But like with an addiction

There have been many slips over the years 

And I've have to stall the reduction

And sometimes increase it

It's like I am digging my heels in

And refusing to go quietly 

I am probably the Bain of my doctors life

As I always put up a fight

And I know how to get around him 

I know it's not fair

I know I should co-operate more with him

But the addict in me is a powerful thing

And more often than not wins the argument

With me

It's a mental thing 

Taking my methadone is as much psychological

As it is physical 

The act of taking it

Drinking it every morning 

Is enough to ease my mind

Just knowing that it's on it's way in to my blood stream

Quells my anxiety 

If for some reason 

I have to take my methadone late 

Or I am held up in getting my meds

I feel like I immediately go in to withdrawal 

Even though realistically I probably wouldn't go in to withdrawal until 48 hours later

I still imagine that I have 

I once heard of a girl who was on two and a half mls of methadone 

Now that is most definitely a mental thing

Two and a half mls is nothing

Heck it would stick to the side of the bottle as you drank it

In other news

I haven't heard from my friend since last week

I don't quite know where to go from here

Should I cut her out of my life?

Cut my losses and move on

Or should I get over it

Have a conversation with her 

And try and stay friends? 

I'm not sure what to do really

But I feel no urge to contact her at the moment 

So I won't 

Well folks

That's all from me today 

See you on the next post.....