Glutton for punishment

A few days ago

I wrote about having a huge urge to weigh myself 

And then having a few awful body image days

Prompted me to go ahead and do it

I had put my scales away 

In the back of my wardrobe

I pulled them out

Dusted them off

And placed them on the wooden floor beside my bed

Usually I feel super anxious and nervous before I weigh

And get butterflies in my tummy

Yesterday however

I felt nothing 

I stripped 

I tapped the scale

And the numbers flicked to zero

I tentatively stepped on

I had absolutely no idea of my weight

As I hadn't weighed in weeks

The screen flashed 

And settled on a number

A number higher than I am comfortable with

And one I have seen since this time last year

I stepped off the scale 

Dressed 

And tried to process the information

Usually 

I have a viceral reaction to weighing

Relief if it's a safe number

And sheer devastation of it's a high number

There have been times when I've had a full blown meltdown after weighing

And sat on my bedroom floor

Naked

And sobbing

But you know what?

Today I felt nothing

The number meant nothing 

I felt neither relief or devastation

I just acknowledged the number 

Didn't let it get to me

And moved on

As you know 

I was an obsessive weighed when I was very unwell

I weighed my self worth in pounds and ounces

I can honestly say 

That this is the first time I have weighed myself

And not had a dramatic reaction

And that my friends

Is nothing short of a miracle 

This is progress I think

Seeing that the number is just a number

Nothing more

Nothing less 

It's just a number 

It is so freeing to finally not feel tied to the scale 

I know that I am not over or under weight

So I am ok with my weight

Not thrilled

But not in despair either

It just is what it is 

My body image has improved today too

Which is strange

You would think after weighing

That I would be all over the place

But surprisingly 

I am dealing with it rather well

Of course 

I am still adjusting to the weight re-gain

Some days I feel like I should roll instead of walk

I go between  absolutely hating my body

To somewhere approaching something 

Like looking like ok

But 

As ever 

I will keep ploughing on

I will try to stay as well I can 

I will try to accept and love my body as best as I can 

I will continue to be a pessimistic optimist 

As ever 

I will fight for a better life

For sanity 

For peace of mind 

For my family 

For my own mental health

I  am much more than a number

A clothes size 

I don't have to be skinny to be beautiful

Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes 

And is most certainly in the eye of the beholder 

I do t want to go back to being sick

It's only now that I am feeling better

That I realise how ill I truly was

I  on the way to getting better

Everyday I get a little stronger

And you know what?

I wouldn't trade it for anything