Hermit

It seems that I struggling to get out and about

And do my normal daily activities

More and more 

I am refusing invitations to go places

Opting to stay at home

And drift in and out of sleep

I haven't been to a meeting in weeks

I didn't go to my nephews birthday

Didn't go and see his flying lesson 

Missed various trips and meals out

It just seems to be getting harder and harder to push myself out of the comfort zone that is my house

What I am doing

Is getting up really early in the morning

Doing everything I need to do 

Like walking the dogs and shopping

Having it all done before 10am

Then heading home

And spending the rest of the day there

Barely moving from my seat on the mat in the living room

I only go from them kitchen to make tea

Frequent trips to the bathroom because of said tea

And back to my mat 

I am literally going around in circles over here

I'm not seeing friends 

I'm spending more and more time alone 

Even speaking less and less

Yesterday we went out for lunch

And I decided to go as it was my Auntie B's last day

But oh my God 

What a palava to get out of the house

It was lashing rain 

And all I wanted to do was put on a tracksuit 

And zone out in front of the TV

But I went 

And tried my best to be sociable

I won't go so far as to say I enjoyed it 

More like endured it

I had no appetite 

And ate very little

And purged what little I did eat

I was just glad to get home 

Put on my pyjamas 

And pretend the world didn't exist 

I don't know what it is 

I mean

My mood is ok

Things should be ok

But as ever  

I  am creating problems where there are none 

I think they call that the art of over thinking

Every time I leave the house 

I just can't wait to get home

I say it's because I want to get back to the dogs

And it is

But it's more that I want to get away from whatever situation that I am in

I just can't handle life outside the little bubble that is my house

I guess it could be due to the fact that I'm trying to avoid so many people

The Boy

The Plumber

The Shopkeeper

People I used to use with 

It's like being in a real life computer game 

Avoid the gremlins

And I gain more points

It's just a pain in the ass

I want to be able to go wherever

Whenever I want

I don't want my house to become a prison

I want to want to just be a normal

Oh to be normal

And not batshit crazy

However 

I hear that normal is over rated

So maybe I am better off

I don't know

My doctor is off again this week 

So I saw Nice Woman Doctor again this morning

And will also be seeing her next week

As my doctors day is packed with appointments already

I briefly told her about what's going on

How I'm supposed to be starting a course next month

And I don't know if it's going to happen

Because of my disabity being cut

She wrote me a letter 

Saying that the course would be of Therapeutic value for me 

So now I have two letters 

So hopefully that will do the trick

I had resigned myself to the fact that the course wouldn't happen

But now I really want to do it

I mean

What else will I be doing?

I think it will be good for me

I left the doctors with my letter

And headed to the chemist to pick up my meds

Then at 9 30am

I had an appointment with Breda

My addiction counsellor

After going through a stage of cancelling my appointments

I am now making an effort to keep them

I only see Breda every two weeks

And she is really helpful 

Very practical

And very straight which I appreciate

I td her about struggling to leave my house

And not going to meetings 

I described how my problem is actually getting out the front door

Once I am out the door 

And in my car

I am fine

It's the anxiety of thinking about it before hand that gets me

Usually the event itself is fine

And I wonder why I was so anxious in the first place 

She suggested that I make a daily plan

And try and pace myself 

And also go to a meeting as soon as I can

As the longer I leave it

The harder it will be to go back

I also told her about Mums retirement do

And how I had two drinks

I linked that to the stress I felt about making the speech

And even when it was over

I still wasn't out of the woods

She asked me why I took on making the speech if it caused me so much stress 

I told her that everyone else refused to do it

And I wanted to do it for Mum

Breda mentioned that I need to be assertive in these situations

And I know that

It's just really tough sometimes to say no

But all in all 

It was a positive session

Breda told me that I am doing well

And life is getting better for me

There are just a few tweaks I need to make

She asked me how my eating is going

And I was pleased to report that it is going well

I'm not starving or binging

My weight is stable 

Yes, I purge from time to time

But nothing like the way I used to

Breda told me that I look really well

And I was able to take the compliment and thank her

And things are going well ED wise

My weight fluctuates a lot

But I haven't been underweight in over a year

I think back to that time

And the never ending binging and purging

What a miserable existence

I'm surprised that my heart didn't give out

And I didn't drop dead from all the stress I put on my poor body

But the great thing is

That I don't hate my body the way that I used to

I am a healthy weight for my age and height

I am curvy

I have boobs and a bum

I can now fill out a pair of jeans

And you know what?

I don't mind it

When I'm in the shower 

I notice my thighs

And they are shapely

Like a grown woman is supposed to me

I don't live it

But I don't hate it either 

I am learning to accept it

And go by how I feel

Rather than what I look like

I'm sure you have noticed that I don't write about my ED half as much anymore

This blog started out as an ED blog 

And it will always be one to a certain extent 

But now I have so many other things to write about 

Like life 

And everything it throws at me

It's amazing to not have my ED controlling me

In everything I do

It doesn't dominate my life any more

More and more it's becoming a smart part of my life 

Amen to that 

So yes

I know what I need to do to get back on track

I will do my best to get to a meeting this week

I will make a daily plan

And use my tools to manage stress and anxiety

I have come too far to turn back now

I know that with a little bit of effort

Life could be so much better 

So much more fulfilling 

I know that just as quickly things can go pear shaped 

They can also turn around just as quickly

I have the awareness

The knowledge

And the skills and tools to improve myself

I have the ability

I just need to knuckle down and do it

I know that a lot of you are struggling right now

With various different issues

I just want to tell you today to never give up

As long as we are alive

There is hope 

Hope for a better life

For better mental and physical healthy

No matter how low you go

There is always a way back up

I promise you that 

I had written myself off as damaged goods

A failure 

A mistake 

I though I would die young 

Heck, I wanted to die

I couldn't handle life 

Reality

And everything that went with it

I felt so lost 

So alone 

My blog and my dogs and my family are the only things that kept me going

My ED was killing me slowly

And I welcomed it

But now 

Now things are so much better

My life has taken a complete 180

And it wasn't until I started to feel better that I realised how bad I had been

My depression lifted

My anxiety lessened

And the incessant binging and purging came to a screeching halt

My quality of life has improve so so much

I think back to a couple of years ago

And I had all but given up

So my message to you today is to keep going

Keep the faith

Keep hoping

And believing

Know that there is a way out

There is life after addiction and mental illness 

And it is a life rich with love, laughter and fun

Don't give up

That's exactly what your ED wants you to do

Don't give in to her

Don't forget that you are a good person

You are worthwhile 

You do matter 

You are special 

So please

Today

Go easy on yourself 

Take some time to be kind to you

To be gentle in you

Because you matter 

I promise you that