Reminders

Every time I smell hairspray

It reminds me of my dancing days

And ballet exams

Spraying and lacquering our hair until it was rock hard

Every time I see tinfoil

It reminds me of smoking black tar heroin

Running the lighter under it

Until it melts and bubbles

And the smoke wafts off it

Every time I eat a raspberry 

I am immediately transported back to my childhood

And the raspberry and red berry bush in our back garden

Never ending sunny days

Lying on the lawn 

With the grass tickling our feet

Every time I'm in Dublin

And I smell the hops from the Guinness store house

It reminds me of my using days

Getting off the bus at Heuston station

Walking by the old hospital

All the way down the quays 

Until we reached Thomas Street

Where we scored 

And went and cooked it up in the flats 

Every time I eat a scone

It reminds of when I lived with my ex-boyfriend

When we didn't have a penny

Because it all went on drugs 

And we made crude buns out of flour and water 

Because we had no other food

Every time I smell chlorine

It reminds me of swimming competitions

Of Lining up to race

And the butterflies in my tummy

Every time I see a green jeep

It reminds me of The Boy

Of driving around

Drinking poppy tea

And drifting in and out of reality

Every time I smell vodka

I'm reminded of the first time I got drunk

When me and my best friend raided her Mothers drinks cabinet

I woke up the next morning in a pool of vomit

We were 14

Everytime I wake up in the middle of the night

It reminds me of the days 

When I was sick from drugs

When my whole body ached

And sleep was an impossibility

Every time I hear the Friends theme tune

It reminds me of the late nineties

Watching my favourite show on a Monday night

Then having to wait a whole week for the next one

Every time I bag up my rubbish bin

It reminds me of the times when my boyfriend and I used to bag up heroin to sell

Then ended up taking it all ourselves 

I was always a greedy addict

Every time I hear the Drake song 'Coming home'

It reminds me of my last stint in treatment

When I heard that song

And wished I was home

There are things everywhere that remind me of my past

Some welcome 

Some not so much

It's amazing the way a smell

Or a taste 

Or a feeling 

Can bring me right back to a place in time

Right back to a child

To an addict

To a teenager

All the lives I have lived

It's hard to be reminded

But I welcome it

I don't want to forget where I've come from

What I've been through

It's taken every experience I've ever had

To get me where I am today

I don't resist it 

I welcome it