Blogging and a bit of honesty

It's    been over three years now since I first started writing this blog

It has been one of the better decisions I have made in recent times

From the start 

My blog has been a life line 

A strong support 

It has saved my life 

And my sanity many times

Often my blog is the one place that I am entirely honest

And with that in mind 

I need to make a confession

So here goes

First I should say 

That recovery is about progress not perfection

But lately I've been feeling like a fraud in regards to my drug addiction

With my ED 

I think I can safely say that I am in recovery

I am weight restored 

My thinking and behaviours are markedly improved 

Yes I do still purge the odd time 

But it's not a daily occurrence any more

When it used to be up to 15 times a day

So I think I'm about as good as I'm

Going to get in that regard 

But my addiction

Well that is kind of a grey area at the moment 

It's true

I'm not using heroin

Or any illegal drug

But I am on quite a hefty amount of prescription medication

Including methadone 

And various others

And people 

I have to confess

That I am not taking them properly 

In fact I don't think I have ever taken them properly

I take them to suit myself 

If I have a busy day 

I won't take any

And if I have I quiet day

I will overuse them

To escape

To get out of my own head 

To check off the planet for a while

To zone out 

I plan it do I will only go one day without meds

And the rest of the days are spent drifting in and out of sleep

I know 

It's not good

If I was braver I would talk to my doctor

Or to Breda 

But I'm not at that point yet

Because the thing is

My drugs are handed to me every week

They are legal 

The are meant for me

I'm supposed to take them

So where is the problem?

I know myself that this is not good 

It's almost as good as using 

As I am taking 

And abusing mild altering drugs

I really need to get my s**t together though

Because on Tuesday 

I am travelling to Turkey with my family

So I really don't want to sleep my way through that week

The thing is though 

That even when I take my meds properly  

They still make me groggy 

When I was in Belfast during the summer

I really struggled to stay awake

And missed out on a lot 

So on this holiday

I am determined to be alert and bright 

Obviously I can't not take the methadone I need that one 

But I can pare back the other meds 

The olanzapine

And the anti depressants

So I think I will take them PRN

When and if I need them

So yes

On Tuesday we travel to Turkey 

I am excited 

But also worried

As it will be hot there 

And I will be getting my arms and legs out

This is why I've been tanning 

So I feel a little bit better bareing all

This is where I need your help 

Have any of you gone on holiday this year?

Either while actively in your ED

Or in recovery

How did you manage?

What got you through?

Do you have any tips for me?

I really need help with this one...