The other anorexic...

You may remember over the years

My mentioning another girl in my area who is also anorexic

I used to meet her when I was walking my dogs

She would be pounding the pavement

Like a speed walker

And she seemed to walk all day

As any time I went walking

I met her

She was incredibly thin

With stick like arms and legs 

I don't know how she had the energy to walk so fast and so far

I guess she was like me

Running off of the fumes of the little food we allowed ourselves

And when we passed each other

We would whisper a timid hi

I recognised her straight away as a fellow anorectic the first time I saw her

You know the way you just know when you meet someone just like you

It was then that I realised that I wasn't the only anorectic in the village

As with a lot of eating disordered people 

It's hard to gage this woman's age

As her body was so childlike

Yet her face was that of someone in their mid to late forties

I have photos of me looking the same way

Having the body of a male child 

But the face of a mature woman 

It's a strange combination

And maybe one of the reasons that we recognised each other

I asked around about this girl 

I found out her name 

And that her sister died from anorexia a while back

She doesn't seem to work 

But drives a nice car

And always presents herself very well

I get the impression that she is an A typical anorexic

Shy 

Introverted 

A perfectionist 

She had all the ingredients to make up a recipe for disaster ED wise

I've met this girl quite a bit over the years

But have never said more than hello to her

But still

I felt we had a strange connection

They neither of us had to say anything 

Because we both felt each other's pain

And of course

I used to compare myself to this girl

Wondering if I was as thin as her

I'm sure she was thinking the same looking at me

I also often used to meet her in the supermarket

Which was mortifying 

As she would be buying things like bananas and lettuce

And I would have a basket full of binge food 

I wondered if she binged 

If she ever lost control completely 

Like I did almost every day

Sometimes I had a huge urge to speak to this girl

To run up to her

And give her a huge hug

And tell her that I understood her pain

That she could talk to me if she wanted

That I could be a friend to her

But of course I never did

I wish I had though

Over the last year

I have noticed that this girl hasn't been around much

I haven't met her walking in ages

And I was wondering what happened to her

I was hoping that she had got well

And found recovery 

But I really feared for her and her safety 

In the last couple of months

I have met this girl a couple of times shopping 

And I am delighted to report that she looks so much better

She has gained weight 

Not a lot

But enough so that she has life in her eyes again 

And a spring in her step 

I was so happy to see her in a better place 

It warms my heart 

And gives me hope

I was in the doctors this morning

I had just finished 

And was a walking out the surgery door

When I came face to face with this girl

She saw me

And I registered surprise in her face

She held the door for me

I said hello

And thanked her 

But for that split second 

Looking in to each other's eyes

I felt like we almost had a conversation

We saw each other looking

And feeling so much better

I even felt proud of this girl

For taking her life back

And for standing up to this cruel illness

Now that I am on the mend 

And tentatively venture in to recovery 

I feel a huge urge and obligation to let others know that recovery is possible 

I feel it's my duty to spread the word that you can and will get better

Mary asked me last week 

If I could go back and tell my ill self something

What would it be

I didn't have to think long about this

I would tell myself to go for recovery

That I had nothing to lose

And everything to gain 

Not to waste another year, month, week, day on this illness 

To take that leap of faith

I wouldn't regret it

Now I feel like I should let others know the huge benefits of embarking on recovery 

In the midst of an ED

It's so hard to see a way out 

To see beyond the ED

Which is why weight restoration is vital in recovery 

You literally can't think straight until your brain and body is fed

I can't even explain to you

How much better I feel now that I am weight restored 

I can think straight 

I have more strength and capability 

The difference is night and day 

But of course 

As the saying goes 

You can take a horse to water 

But you can't make it drink

It's the same with recovery 

From any addiction or illness

You can't change until you are ready 

Denial is a powerful thing

And people can go their whole lives without acknowledging that there is a problem

No one can do it for you

As I have often said 

If love and support could have got me well

Then I would have recovered a long time ago

But you can't force it

It happens only when we are ready

I am just so happy that this girl seems to be getting well 

And I would still love to talk to her 

But maybe that would be inappropriate 

I'm not quite sure

I think recovery often happens when people reach their thirties

At this age

A lot of people have been suffering for over a decade 

Usually people are worn down

And sick and tired of feeling sick and tired

I know I had more energy in my twenties 

I had the resilience to bounce back and keep going 

But now

I just don't have the energy or the inclination to maintain an ED or an addiction

I'm just too old for that s**t

The point of this post

Is to let you know that recovery is possible 

No matter how low you go

Or how hard you fall 

Recovery is there for each and every one of us 

We just have to reach out and grab it

My friend the walker

I'm sure her quality of life has dramatically improved  

And I wish her every health and happiness 

God knows she deserves it