Discharge

I saw Mary yesterday

After my trip to the dog shelter

I always like to see Mary

Our chats are always interesting and informative

We know each other well by this stage

I've been seeing her for four years now

Mary often reminds me of our first session

Her post was new

A position that was greatly needed in the community

Before Mary

ED patients were sent to General CBT

But Mary became a specific ED therapist 

So was geared more towards an ED patients needs

Mary often reminds me of the state I was in when I first saw her

I was broken

Both in body and mind 

In my mind 

This new therapy was the latest in a long line of failed attempts to get on top of my ED 

I had no expectations 

Very little hope

After all

I had been through therapist who told me that I 'wasn't that bad'

And another one who told me that I was 'emancipated'

My memory of those first sessions is hazy 

But then everything from that time was hazy

I was running off of fumes 

Underweight

Malnourished 

Mentally and physically weak

And of course it wasn't a case that I miraculously recovered

It was a long hard road

So many sessions of butting heads

Many many tears 

My walking out on more than one occasion 

I put up great resistance to getting well

My weight has fluctuated greatly over the years 

From emaciated to just about heslthy and back again 

I had a break from Mary when I went in to treatment

Another one when my weight became too low for her to see me

And another one when her post was  cut due to budget issues 

But I always went back

And Mary always made an effort to get me back 

I think you can probably guess where this post is heading 

Yes 

After four long years

Of highs and lows

Ups and downs 

Tears and laughter 

Mary informed me that she is formally discharging me

And not because I am not engaging in therapy

Or because my weight is too low to continue

Oh no 

It's because I am actually well enough!

I was actually gobsmacked

Because most of the time 

I consider myself to be a perpetual f**k up 

Me 

Queen of trouble and mischief 

Is actually being discharged

Because Mary considers me to be well enough!

At first 

In my head 

I panicked

I was like 

Noooo

I need you

Please don't go

I need Mary in my life

Sometimes she is the only sane person I speak to of a week 

But

She assured me that I have made great strides

And it's time 

We talked for a while

About the last four years 

And the progress that has been made 

In a lot of ways 

It happened quite suddenly

But I think in reality 

I had spent years laying the ground work

By going to therapy 

Months in treatment 

And generally preparing myself mentally for recovery 

I am just over a year in to my recovery

I am weight restored 

I feel good 

My mood is good

My health is the best it's been for a long time 

And I guess that it's now that I am feeling better 

That I realise how low and depressed I was 

I hated myself 

And resented life

I had a passive death wish

Not actively seeking death

But welcoming it if it came 

Now I am stable 

I can feel

And feint is no way as scary as I thought it would be

I'm now strong

Capable and able

And that feels amazing 

I'm now in the process of rebuilding my life 

And trying to find my place in the world

I don't equate beauty with weight anymore

And I am just finding myself 

My opinions

My style

My take on life

I'm a 34 year old woman 

I've been through a lot 

I've survived this long through sheer stubbornness 

And determination 

I've abused my body so much over the years 

I'm just happy that it hasn't given up on me 

So yes 

Next Thursday will be my last appointment with Mary 

Then I am on my own 

Standing on my own two feet 

I feel ready 

I think I can do it 

I really think I can