There's something about Mary...

I know

I know

I've used that post title more than once or twice

But there really is something about Mary

I had my last session with her yesterday

Which I was both dreading and looking forward to in equal measures

I arrived on time

And ahe came to the office door

As she always does when she hears me come in the front door

I settled in my usual seat across from her

And all of a sudden I felt really emotional

Like it was the end of an era

Literally 

However 

I managed to keep it together

And told Mary about starting in the dog shelter next week 

She has always told me to do what I love to do

Then it's never like work 

And I concur 

I'm looking after my neighbours dog this week

So I had to postpone the dog shelter until next week

I am like so happy at the monent

All i do is walk dogs 

And feed them

And play with them

And talk to them

I swear I think I have find my true calling in life 

I love it

And I am now more sure than ever that I made the right decision not to do the business course

It would have been like putting s bird in a cage 

For want of a better expression

Mary and I chatted for a while

She asked me to think back to the first day that I met her

I can remember it so clearly 

I arrived for my appointment on time

And the receptionist informed me that Mary had got caught in a back log of traffic

And would be late 

Then she made me a cup of tea and a biscuit

I must have looked like I needed it 

Mary arrived

All smiles and apologies

We went in to an office 

I remember feeling dead inside

There was nothing going on inside me emotionally

I was feeling hopeless

Resigned to my fate as an eating disordered drug addict

My first session with Mary was all paperwork

Assessing my risk to myself and all that

I remember answering many questions

You know the ones where they ask you things like how often do you feel like killing yourself

Tick here for never

Here for sometimes

Here for a lot 

Here for all the time

It's hard to fill in these type of questionnaires 

As you don't want to come across as completely unhinged

Yet you want them to know that you do really need help

I guess the best bet is to be honest

Today I also had to fill in the same questionnare 

And I was delighted to be able to tick hardly ever or never

For most of the questions 

Which was a turn around 

We talked a lot about recovery 

How it's a never ending process 

And needs constant maintenance 

And upkeep 

Mary made the point that recovering from a mental illness 

Is as important as recovery from a physical illness 

And often the two are linked

Mary told me that her door is always open 

If I need a few booster sessions

She said that needing support

Even extra support

Is not the same as a relapse 

Asking for support is key in preventing a relapse

I've relapsed enough times to know the warning signs

And I know that a relapse usually happens long  before you pick up a drug or lose a significant amount of weight

It happens when you let things slip

And slide

When you become complacent 

Comfortable 

I know that I'm well today because of the structure and support I have in place

And I need to remain vigilant 

Mary told me

That from the first day she met me

She had high hopes for me

Because of my honesty and motivation

She really believed in me

And I really felt  that from her

All along

She has fed me the idea that recovery is possible

I doubted her for so long 

But now I know that it's possible

Because it's happening to me

She told me that the reason she gets up in the morning 

Is to see the smile on faces like mine

As we head off from being discharged

And out to live our lives

She held out her arms 

We hugged

And said goodbye

And walked out the door 

And as I closed it behind me

And felt like I was closing a chapter in my life

So that's it 

I am no longer in therapy 

I can now say with out a shadow of a doubt 

That I am in recovery 

It's no exaggeration to say that sometimes it feels like my recovery happened in spite of me

In spite of my trying to self destruct

And f**k it up

It really feels like I was carried to this point 

On the shoulders of the people that support me

I dont remember ever making a decision to recover

All I know was that last April

I took an overdose

What happened after that is a blur 

It seems that as quickly as things can turn sour

And go Pete Tong

They can also turn around just as quick

And that's they way I feel it happened to me

Of course I participated in my own recovery

I went to therapy 

I did the work

I ate the food

I stopped the purging 

I did it 

But still

It really feels as though love and support got me through 

I know I am lucky

Having a strong family behind me has been the back bone of my recovery

And my Mother has been at the helm every step of the way

I couldn't have done this without her

She has bee there every step of the way

When I had many a meltdown over my weight

When I was ill she cared for me

When I cried she held me 

When I thought I was losing my mind she sat with 

Talked to me 

One story she often tells me is of the day I was born

And listening to that soothes like nothing else

She is nothing short of incredible

As I type this 

I feel tears sting the back of my eyes

Life thus far has been like a roller coaster on steroids 

Sometimes I wonder how I made it to 34

But I did

And I know there is a reason for that

Even if it's not clear yet

I trust it will

In time

I think back to yesterday 

When I weighed myself

That number couldn't mean less to me

Whatever weight I am 

It is better than being a walking skeleton 

It's better than being at deaths door

Or in deaths waiting room

I am just grateful to have a body 

And a healthy body at that 

Yes I now have boobs

And a bum you could eat your dinner off

But that is so much better than skin and bones 

Mary asked me today

What I would tell myself if I could go back to in time 

I would tell that poor, sick, broken girl

To go for it

To take a chance on life

And grab it by the balls

Don't waste another month, week, day on this cruel bitch of an illness

Throw out your scales 

Give your skinny clothes to charity 

Have a frothy coffee just the way you like it

Have a slice of cake

Allow yourself to eat what you want

Whether that be an orange or chocolate 

Be kind to yourself 

Be gentle on yourself 

Because you need you

And you are stuck with you

So you better start accepting and loving yourself 

Because you only have one life

One chance

One shot at being happy 

So go for it!

Shoot for the stars 

You won't regret it

It's been a long road to this point

But you know

I don't regret a thing

Not one thing

Everything that has happened had got me to this point 

And this point is not a bad place to be

Not at all 

Now I'm ready for the next chapter

Come on life

I'm ready for you....