Meds

I'm all off schedule this morning

I arrived in to the doctors this morning

To find that I had both my doctors appointment and Breda at the same time 

9 30am

I checked in 

And went and sat outside my doctors office

Then Breda came and I had to explain to her that I couldn't see her

So now I won't get to see her until November 2nd

I can't lie 

Part of me is glad I won't see her until then

She asked me how things are going 

I said good more or less

She asked what that meant 

I replied that there are things I could work on

Which there always are 

We left it at that 

And I went to see my doctor

He was pretty full this morning 

So I had a bit of a wait

Eventually I was called in 

My doctor talked about his printer for about five minutes 

Which I thought was amusing 

Then he got down to the nitty gritty

Two weeks ago 

He said he would reduce the methadone today 

He brought up the subject again this morning 

I played dumb

And said I couldn't remember him saying that 

He smiled 

And said 'We'll go down two mls'

I didn't have the energy to argue

So down I went 

Just then 

My doctor got a phone call

He answered

And asked me to step outside for a minute 

Which I did 

While I was out there 

A lady with the most beautiful baby girl sat down beside me 

I could take my eyes off the baby

He name was Cassidy

She just looked so snug and content 

And I wished I could swap places with her 

So all I would have to worry about is eating and sleeping 

Anyway 

After a couple of minutes 

My doctor called me back in 

He told me that it was one of the prisons on the phone 

Trying to get a psychiatrist to see one of the prisoners 

He mentioned the name of the prison

Castlerea

Straight away I had a flash back

Of me going in to the visiting room of the prison

With a mouth full of drugs 

Passing it to my boyfriend in a kiss

Then 

Going to the prison with my boyfriends uncle

Who was in a wheel chair 

Smoking weed in the car on the way there 

Then me getting so nervous that I let go of the wheel chair 

And the man fell out on to the ground 

Talk about drawing attention to yourself 

Needless to say 

I didn't mention any of this to my doctor 

I think he thinks I wasn't that bad on drugs

Little does he know....

Back to Breda

The reason I'm not thrilled about going to see her 

Is because of my meds 

In that I am still not taking them properly 

I misuse then 4 - 5 days out of 7

And now they my mother is around more

She is seeing how bad the situation really is 

Before

When she was working 

She was gone four days 

But now she is here all the time

She is starting to notice that all is not rosy in the recovery garden

So this is why I don't want to speak to Breda 

Because I won't be able to lie to her

And if I tell her

There is every possibility she will tell my doctor 

And I'm afraid my meds will be stopped

I know I've told my doctor before 

And what he usually does is have me go in to the pharmacy every day

But they never lasts 

And I go back to my old ways 

The thing is 

I'm not sure if I want to sort out the meds situation 

I mean 

I have it cushy right now

I get to have my escape 

With little consequence

Isn't that every addicts dream?

But at the same time 

I do want to live my life 

I want to work at the dog shelter 

I want to be free of my addictions 

But it's just so damn hard to live in reality 

Why? 

I don't know 

I just get so anxious

So bored 

So nervous 

So sad 

Sometimes I just can't stand being in my own head 

The negative thoughts going around my head in a never ending loop

Sometimes I just want out 

I was watching the last series of Teen Mom 2 yesterday 

Have you seen it?

I was watching it because of one of the girls has a prescription pill addiction

Leah is her name 

She has three kids 

All under 6

One with a disability 

And she is on her second divorce 

She is 23 years old

Anyone with eyes in their head

Can see that Leah is crumbling under the weight of her issues

But she is in complete denial

An addict can always spot an addict

I can see it in her eyes 

The pinned pupils 

The dark rings under her eyes 

The unkempt appearance 

The nodding off

And talking nonsense 

Leah was prescribed various painkillers and anti anxiety meds by her doctor 

And has obviously become addicted 

Shame on get doctor 

He should be struck off 

I watched the show hoping and praying the Leah would get help

It broke my heart to see her suffering so much 

She was a woman on the edge 

And I could tell if something didn't happen soon 

She might not make it

Towards the end of the show 

Leah had contacted a treatment centre 

And when the show finished 

She was planning to go

During the ads of the show 

It showed Lea as she is now 

And she looks great 

She's put some weight on her tiny frame 

The spark is back in her eyes

And her voice sounded animated 

I hope that Leah stays well

For her sake

And for those three children

As shocking as it was watching Leah's story 

It is all too common

Especially is the U.S. 

Where doctors seem to hand out strong prescription meds like smarties

Those doctors have a responsibility to their patients 

They took an oath to first do no harm

It makes my blood boil that Leah's doctor continued to prescribe her these meds 

Given the state she was in

But I have to admit 

I can relate to Leah 

The feeling of wanting to escape 

The feeling of not being able to cope with life 

Taking pills to check off the planet 

In a lot of ways I am just like Leah

But she is dealing with some pretty heavy stuff 

I guess I am too 

In my own way 

But my life is a lot more comfortable than hers 

That is for sure 

I don't know guys 

I guess I am trying g to have my cake and eat it too

But do I really want to spend my life drifting in and out of consciousness ?

Do I really want to throw my life away?

Do ideally want to miss out on the best years of my life?

The answer is 

That I don't know

I do know that I look forward to days that is abuse my meds 

And the days that I don't 

Are endless and tedious 

I know that that's life 

Life can be boring 

Monotonous

Repetitive 

I know I need to fill my days with things I love to do 

And find an occupation 

I am starting in the dog shelter in Wednesday 

And I am really hoping that it fills a void 

And I find my niche 

I got Lea and Honey microchipped last week 

My babies are now legit!

As microchipping is mandatory from next year on 

I love animals 

And feel a real affinity with them 

So I am going to throw myself in to the work 

And hope I can help myself and the dogs 

I know that I've brought up the topic of my meds before 

I feel I need to be honest about them 

And let you know that everything is my life is not on track

I know that's the nature of addiction

But I don't like to lie to people 

And I think when I see Breda in two weeks 

I am going to have to tell her what is happening 

Because how can the precessional sheep me if they don't know what is going on?

I don't know guys 

Watched this space I guess....

With all that said 

I was wondering about you 

I know a lot of you ladies are on prescription meds 

And I'm wondering how that works for you

Do you take your meds as prescribed?

Do you overtake them ever?

Or stockpile them for a rainy day?

When do you think it becomes a problem?

If you see me what would you do?

Answers on a postcard please...