The shame of addiction

First 

I want to thank you all for your comments on my last post

I really appreciate your candour and your honesty

I haven't replied to all the comments yet

But  will get to them today

Thank you all

Monday is always a bit of a Wright off

Having had no meds on Sunday

I usually sleep for a few hours on Monday 

Even if I did take my meds properly 

And didn't abuse them

I always make sure to take care of my dogs before I take my meds 

I get them up 

Let them out 

Bring them for a good long walk

Give them a chewy treat

And then take my meds 

I make sure I'm awake at lunch time to feed them 

But yesterday afternoon my mother woke me up 

To tell me that she thought the dogs were hungry

You can tell when they are hungry as they will bark and dance around your feet

I got up immediately and fed them 

But for me 

That was just unacceptable that I would be asleep while they are hungry

Shame on me 

I take pride in the fact that I am a good responsible dog owner 

But how can I be there for them 100% if I am abusing my meds

And sleeping my life away

After writing yesterday's post

I had a good long think 

And a good long look at myself 

Someone left a comment yesterday

That what I am doing is as bad as being addicted to heroin 

Only these drugs I get for free

This is a valid point

It's the same shit

Different substance

Others suggested that I need to fill my day

And have an occupation

I wholeheartedly agree with this 

And rang the dog shelter this morning

So hopefully I can start there soon

But yes

Yesterday I thought about my actions at the moment 

It must be really difficult for my mother and my sister and my dogs 

To see me out of it 

Nodding off and falling asleep 

Sometimes I see the look in my dogs eyes 

When I make my tea

And head in to the living room 

They look so sad 

Like they want me to stay in the kitchen with them 

But for the last while 

My meds have been the priority 

And that has to change 

I claim to be in recovery 

I claim to be turning my life around

That applies to all areas of my life

Not just my ED

I know I need to address this meds problem 

If I really want to be in recovery 

Not being there for my dogs is unacceptable to me

I rescued Honey and Lea

I've been there for them every day for the last ten years 

They are both elderly now 

And need a little bit of extra care in their old age 

This incident yesterday 

All your comments 

And my mothers and sisters concern

And my own concern

Have all added up to my wanting to make a change 

I have to make a change of I want to  live my life in the best way possible

Taking and overusing my meds is not making me happy

It's not fulfilling my life

It's not making me a better person

It's draining the life out of me

It's making me in to a sleepy, out of it down and out 

I don't want to be that person 

Not at all

One of the reasons I don't drink

Is because when you are drunk

What you say

And what you do 

Is not real

It's fake 

The same can be said for meds

When I am abusing them 

I am not myself 

What I say and do

Is not real

Because I am mood altered 

I am not myself 

So what do I do now that I know I want to make a change?

Some of you suggested that I give responsibility of my meds to a family member

This is a good suggestion

And something that has worked in the past 

However 

I've decided to give myself this week

To see if I can take them properly 

Starting today 

Depending on how this week goes

I will then decide whether to hand them over to a family member or not

History tells me that I am not good at managing my own meds and drugs

I've always been a greedy addict

If something makes me feel good

I will take it over and over again

No matter what the consequences

Usually 

In addiction

The precursor to change is hitting a rock bottom

That can happen quite quickly when illegal drugs are concerned

I hit many many rock bottoms during my own addiction

Because the drug I used is illegal

Crime is usually involved 

And other shady dealings 

The thing with prescription drugs 

Is that the are legal

My doctor writes me a prescription

I bring said prescription to the pharmacy 

Collect my meds

And it's all above board 

Of course 

I do not take my meds the way I am supposed to 

I take a double dose on some days 

But I think both addictions are the very same 

The only thing that separates them is that one is legal 

And the other is not 

At the moment 

I am having my cake and eating it

I have the luxury of having my addiction

With none of the consequences 

I get to live in a nice house 

In a dry clean bed 

With a roof over my head 

Clothes in my wardrobe 

And food in my fridge 

I could go on like this forever if I wanted to 

But do I want to?

No

I don't think so 

I am of the age 

Where a lot of my friends are getting  married 

Having children 

And pursuing a career

I do t know if I necessarily want that 

But it would be nice to have the option

I definitely want a career

I want to do something I love 

Whether that's working with animals

Or helping others with EDs and addiction

I can't see myself doing anything else 

I don't know if I want children

But I definitely want a partner to share my life with 

None of these jungs are possible if I continue abusing my meds

And maintain my addiction

I guess this issue is a big sign that all is not rosy in my recovery garden 

I am not doing this because I am a happy well adjusted person

I feel an inherent sadness 

I run from these feelings

I don't like these feelings

I accepted a long time ago

They my base level mood 

Is lower than the average person

I feel my feelings intensely 

Like I am hyper sensitive

That can be overwhelming 

Too much for me to handle 

So I cut my feelings off at the source

Because I don't know how else to deal with them 

I've never really developed alternative methods of dealing with my feelings 

I've always bounce from addiction to ED to addiction 

One thing that did help me stay clean and sober is meetings 

History tells me that I tend to do well when I am attending them

And being around others who are in recovery 

So why don't I go?

Well 

History also tells me that when I go to meetings 

I start off well 

And throw myself in to them 

But then 

I get complacent 

Start to skip them here and there 

And then stop going altogether 

And that is a pattern I repeat over and over 

Another reason I don't go 

Is that I don't always feel like part of the crowd 

Like I don't quite fit in

And that is a horrible feeling

I don't know 

Maybe meetings are not for me

Maybe I can do it another way

But then 

Maybe I should give them another shot 

And take it day by day 

One thing is for sure 

I need to do something 

Because time is going by so fast at the moment 

And before I know it 

My life will be over 

I guess my confidence in myself could be improved 

One of the reasons I am reluctant to pursue education or work

Is thstbibam afraid that I am not smart enough 

Not good enough 

Not pretty enough 

Too quiet 

Too shy 

Too introverted 

That the big bad world would chew me up and spit me out

What I would really love to do 

Is help others with eating disorders and addiction

I have absolutely no educational qualifications 

But I am more than qualified in EDs and addiction

And I really feel I could help others 

Because I have been there myself 

My blog is a huge part of my life

And I sincerely hope that my experiences will go some way to helping others 

As you know 

I don't censor my writing 

I share my story warts and all 

The ups and downs 

The highs and lows 

Every drama 

Every set back

Every triumph and success 

Is documented here 

I don't hold back 

Because I want to be real

And authentic

I don't know how to be any other way

So I am going to try 

Starting today 

I am going to try my best to take my meds properly 

And his day next week

I will asess the situation

And see what changes need to be made 

I am lucky 

I have great support 

Both in my real life

And here in my blog

Do with all your help 

I know I can do this 

And more importantly 

I really want to do this 

And that is half the battle 

So today is day 1

I will try my best 

I will find other ways to deal with my feelings 

I will speak to Breda 

And my doctor if I need to 

I have to do this 

For myself 

For my family 

For Honey and Lea

For all of us 

What is the alternative...?