Thursday 21 January 2016

Thursday 21 January

I saw Mary this afternoon
I didn't get to see her last week due to the bad weather we've been having
So I was really looking forward to seeing her this week 
I followed her up the stairs to the office
And settled in my usual seat
The first thing she asked me was if I am weighing myself 
I told her that I don't think my scales is working 
As it gives me a different number every time I stand on it 
I spyed Mary's scales in the corner of the room
So I knew what was coming next
She gently asked me if I minded being weighed 
I didn't 
So I removed my coat and boots 
And tentatively stepped on to the scales 
I looked at the number 
Which is out of character for me
But I was really curious to know what my weight was 
We worked out that I've lost ten kilos since I was discharged from therapy
It wasn't a shock 
I know my weight has been dropping 
And I really get no joy out of that 
Maybe at one point in my life 
The numbers mattered 
But not so much any more 
Of course 
The ED part of my brain gets a sick kick out of the loss
But I don't have the visceral reaction I used to when I see the number 
Which is a relief 

After that 
We moved on to discuss other matters 
We talked about my purging 
And how I'm going to have to get on top of it 
We made a list of things for me to do this week
Which includes 
Making a meal plan 
Three meals and two snacks 
Go to a meeting 
Keep a food diary 
No weighing 
And have a back up plan of the job doesn't work out 
Mary has such faith in me
She tells me that I am not realising my potential 
And it would be such a waste if I didn't find something to do that I love
She talked about the conference that I spoke at a couple of years ago
And that the response she got afterwards was over whelming
That was so lovely to hear 
As speaking at that conference meant so much to me 
I had the chance to speak in front of a room full of medical professionals, family members and sufferers
I felt like I was speaking for our whole community 
And I wanted to do you all proud 
It was one of the scariest things I have ever done 
But it was also one of the most worthwhile things I have ever done 
Explaining an ED to someone with no experience of one is pretty difficult 
Because it makes no sense 
Even to the sufferer 
But I did my best 
And that's all I can do 

Mary and I spoke for another while 
About having things to do
And also about self care 
Which is something that Breda also speaks about
Looking after myself 
Doing things for me 
Things I enjoy
I guess I don't do a lot of that 
I used to swim in the mornings 
Got to meetings 
Meet friends 
Go in to town 
I used to do reflexology 
Or get my eye brows done 
Lately 
I've been letting all that slip 
I was telling Mary
That if I'm home alone 
I don't cook
I don't light a fire 
Don't even turn on the heat
Why?
Because it's just me 
And it would just be a waste 
In other words 
I don't deserve it
And that speaks volumes me thinks 
I look at my Mum
She has a nice life carved out for herself 
Lots of friends 
Hobbies 
Like book clubs
And she recently became a Samaritan 
Where she will be working on a helpline 
She always has something to do
Some where to be
Someone to meet
So I can take my cue from her
Follow her example 
As she really is an amazing role model 

So
I have a busy week ahead of me
I have two appointments with Mary next week
Just until I am back on track
I need to focus on my food
Plan 
Shop
Prepare 
Have everything to hand 
So it's not a chore 
I told Mary that I struggle with portion sizes 
I either give myself too much or not enough
And if I am going to purge
I definitely overeat to the point where it is uncomfortable 
I love my food
And I don't want to feel deprived 
I do need to get my food and eating under control 
Because my normal is under or over eating 
My normal is heading to the bathroom when I'm finished my food and sticking two fingers down my throat
And throwing up until I taste bile
My normal is feeling dizzy when I stand up
It's spending €50 at a time on food 
And eating it all in the space of 24 hours
My normal is not having a bowel movement for weeks on end 
It's feeling so out of control where food is concerned, that I fear for my health and my sanity
My normal is standing the scales every morning 
And measuring my self worth from the number I see
My normal is feeling my heart flutter on my chest 
Like it might give out at any minute 
This is my normal
This is my life 
This is what I deal with all day, every day
Because my ED does not take holidays 
Or days off 
My ED has endless energy
And I am often worn out long before it is 
Because the truth is 
I am running off of the fumes of recovery right now 
This relapse has really knocked the wind out of me 
And I am clawing my way back 
They say that first time recovery is a gift
The second time you work for it
And the third 
And the fourth 

I told Mary about the job I applied for 
She thought it was great news
But emphasised that I need a back up plan just in case it doesn't work out
This is good advice I think 
And something I need to be prepared for 
The closing date for applications was yesterday
So they will be going through them today
And hopefully I will hear something tomorrow or Monday
I can't help but be excited about it
But I know not to allow myself to be too hopeful 
Anyway
We'll see soon enough 

Marry gave me two appointments for next week
Just for a bit of extra support
Which I will gladly accept 
Let's hope this is the start of my turning things around 
Let's hope I can bounce back yet again



4 comments:

  1. glad you have mary again and sure you will bounce back again, you came too far not too xx jo

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    Replies
    1. I hope so Jo
      I truly hope so

      Hope you are well x

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  2. I think I had to tell myself that the food isn't going anywhere, if I ever felt this manic need to eat, which often happens when you're anorexic. This insatiable need to fill up and I really believe it relates to emotion regulation. I don't think eating disorder sufferers know how to regulate emotions. I know I didn't. I felt too much. I didn't feel anything at all. I didn't feel like I do now where it's a normal day and feelings come and go and it's normal. You're filling up a hole, but what's supposed to go there instead of the control of food? I can't assume I know what works best but there's something so healing for the soul when you self discover and explore your world. Love you girl. We've been on this journey now for almost four years together. Man how time flies, but you're at a far better spot than when we started.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Love you too Eve
      And thank you for your invaluable advice
      Your recovery shines through your words
      And that is so inspiring x

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Thank you for leaving some love x