Thursday 21 January

I saw Mary this afternoon

I didn't get to see her last week due to the bad weather we've been having

So I was really looking forward to seeing her this week 

I followed her up the stairs to the office

And settled in my usual seat

The first thing she asked me was if I am weighing myself 

I told her that I don't think my scales is working 

As it gives me a different number every time I stand on it 

I spyed Mary's scales in the corner of the room

So I knew what was coming next

She gently asked me if I minded being weighed 

I didn't 

So I removed my coat and boots 

And tentatively stepped on to the scales 

I looked at the number 

Which is out of character for me

But I was really curious to know what my weight was 

We worked out that I've lost ten kilos since I was discharged from therapy

It wasn't a shock 

I know my weight has been dropping 

And I really get no joy out of that 

Maybe at one point in my life 

The numbers mattered 

But not so much any more 

Of course 

The ED part of my brain gets a sick kick out of the loss

But I don't have the visceral reaction I used to when I see the number 

Which is a relief 

After that 

We moved on to discuss other matters 

We talked about my purging 

And how I'm going to have to get on top of it 

We made a list of things for me to do this week

Which includes 

Making a meal plan 

Three meals and two snacks 

Go to a meeting 

Keep a food diary 

No weighing 

And have a back up plan of the job doesn't work out 

Mary has such faith in me

She tells me that I am not realising my potential 

And it would be such a waste if I didn't find something to do that I love

She talked about the conference that I spoke at a couple of years ago

And that the response she got afterwards was over whelming

That was so lovely to hear 

As speaking at that conference meant so much to me 

I had the chance to speak in front of a room full of medical professionals, family members and sufferers

I felt like I was speaking for our whole community 

And I wanted to do you all proud 

It was one of the scariest things I have ever done 

But it was also one of the most worthwhile things I have ever done 

Explaining an ED to someone with no experience of one is pretty difficult 

Because it makes no sense 

Even to the sufferer 

But I did my best 

And that's all I can do 

Mary and I spoke for another while 

About having things to do

And also about self care 

Which is something that Breda also speaks about

Looking after myself 

Doing things for me 

Things I enjoy

I guess I don't do a lot of that 

I used to swim in the mornings 

Got to meetings 

Meet friends 

Go in to town 

I used to do reflexology 

Or get my eye brows done 

Lately 

I've been letting all that slip 

I was telling Mary

That if I'm home alone 

I don't cook

I don't light a fire 

Don't even turn on the heat

Why?

Because it's just me 

And it would just be a waste 

In other words 

I don't deserve it

And that speaks volumes me thinks 

I look at my Mum

She has a nice life carved out for herself 

Lots of friends 

Hobbies 

Like book clubs

And she recently became a Samaritan 

Where she will be working on a helpline 

She always has something to do

Some where to be

Someone to meet

So I can take my cue from her

Follow her example 

As she really is an amazing role model 

So

I have a busy week ahead of me

I have two appointments with Mary next week

Just until I am back on track

I need to focus on my food

Plan 

Shop

Prepare 

Have everything to hand 

So it's not a chore 

I told Mary that I struggle with portion sizes 

I either give myself too much or not enough

And if I am going to purge

I definitely overeat to the point where it is uncomfortable 

I love my food

And I don't want to feel deprived 

I do need to get my food and eating under control 

Because my normal is under or over eating 

My normal is heading to the bathroom when I'm finished my food and sticking two fingers down my throat

And throwing up until I taste bile

My normal is feeling dizzy when I stand up

It's spending €50 at a time on food 

And eating it all in the space of 24 hours

My normal is not having a bowel movement for weeks on end 

It's feeling so out of control where food is concerned, that I fear for my health and my sanity

My normal is standing the scales every morning 

And measuring my self worth from the number I see

My normal is feeling my heart flutter on my chest 

Like it might give out at any minute 

This is my normal

This is my life 

This is what I deal with all day, every day

Because my ED does not take holidays 

Or days off 

My ED has endless energy

And I am often worn out long before it is 

Because the truth is 

I am running off of the fumes of recovery right now 

This relapse has really knocked the wind out of me 

And I am clawing my way back 

They say that first time recovery is a gift

The second time you work for it

And the third 

And the fourth 

I told Mary about the job I applied for 

She thought it was great news

But emphasised that I need a back up plan just in case it doesn't work out

This is good advice I think 

And something I need to be prepared for 

The closing date for applications was yesterday

So they will be going through them today

And hopefully I will hear something tomorrow or Monday

I can't help but be excited about it

But I know not to allow myself to be too hopeful 

Anyway

We'll see soon enough 

Marry gave me two appointments for next week

Just for a bit of extra support

Which I will gladly accept 

Let's hope this is the start of my turning things around 

Let's hope I can bounce back yet again