Monday 25 January

The weekend was pretty busy

My brother and his partner were here for a couple of nights 

I love having them here

But I was also glad for things to go back to normal yesterday

It felt like Christmas was a month long this year 

As we had so many visitors

I love when there are people in the house 

But I also feel a bit of relief when they leave 

And I can get back to my usual routine 

My ED tends to get out of hand when there are people here 

And I try to eat in secret 

Which is not really doable when there is a house full of people

When my brother and his partner left

I found myself in the middle of a non stop eat purge cycle 

I literally couldn't stop 

And a big part of me wasn't aware I was doing it

At about 8pm last night 

I was in the kitchen 

Making pasta 

My mother came in 

She said 'Ruby, are you aware you've been eating and purging all day? I'm really worried about you, you're spinning out of control!'

Just then 

My sister came in to the room

And backed up what my mother was saying

I was mortified 

So embarrassed 

I just wanted to run away

My mother kept saying that I was going to kill myself 

And this had to stop

I must admit though 

I hadn't fully realised it was this bad 

I mean of course I know I am purging a lot 

But I never thought it was noticeable to others

Which is silly really

Because of course they notice 

They live with me 

They see me going around in circles from the kitchen to the bathroom

One thing is for sure 

This has to stop 

Before I lose  my mind and my sanity

Before something really bad happens 

I saw my doctor this morning 

He asked me if I enjoyed the meal out on Froday night 

And asked me if I find it difficult going out to eat  

I do 

I told him that going out for dinner is not my first choice of things to do for fun

My doctor sat back in his chair

As he does when he's up for a chat

He asked me about purging 

And how much I ate 

I told him I had three courses 

Which for me was way too much to stomach

And that I purged in between each one

He made the point that I could just have one course

And try and keep that down 

I mean yes

That makes perfect sense

But the thing is 

I want to eat the food 

But my eyes are bigger than my belly 

And I always end up feeling really full and uncomfortable 

I told my doctor that I am seeing my psychiatrist again next week 

And he had spoken about increasing the Prozac 

My doctor said we could look at that 

Last week he talked about reducing the methadone today

But because things are a bit all over the place 

We put that off for a couple of weeks

I was glad of that 

Seriously though

I need to get back on track 

I can't go on like this 

It's a living hell 

I feel so out of control 

And something has got to give 

My body will only tolerate so much abuse

Before it starts to break down

And I get really ill 

And I hate that I am worrying my family 

I hate that they are suffering along with me

So today 

I am making a big effort 

Breakfast is fine 

I eat tea and toast at the table every morning 

This is a relatively new thing for me

But recently I have got in to the routine of doing it

And now it has become my new normal

I don't usually eat lunch 

I tend to graze through out the day

Then in the evening I have dinner with my mum and sister 

But always purge 

At night I could eat and purge up to five times

The thing is 

I'm not sure I can do this

People always say to me 

You gave up smoking 

You quit drugs 

Of course you can do this 

But I'm not so sure 

Food is proving to be the most difficult addiction to crack

But I have to 

If I want any semblance of a normal life

I can't quite put my finger on when this relapse started 

I know I started losing weight mid November 

And lost it very quickly

But even before that 

My mood had dipped markedly 

In Turkey I wasn't in great form 

And I've had some really bad days since then 

I've been feeling lower than usual

Feeling like something awful is going to happen 

Like an impending sense of doom

I've also been feeling hopeless

Like I am a lost cause 

And I must admit 

It has been tempting to just disappear

But that is a permanent answer to a temporary problem 

I feel hyper sensitive too 

Hyper aware 

Sonetimes my feelings are right

But more often than not 

I am picking up things that are not actually there 

Which leads to a touch of paranoia

And that is a nightmare in itself 

The truth is though 

I have a lot to live for 

My family 

My dogs 

The prospect of getting a job I would love 

The possibility of meeting a nice guy 

All the wonderful experiences that I will have if I just hang in there 

Really my self esteem needs a good injection of self belief and confidence 

I'm trying to build myself up

And start to like myself 

And believe in myself 

But I have a tendency to put myself down 

And beat myself up

It's hard to have any confidence 

It's hard to believe that I am enough just the way I am 

This is why I think the job would be great for me 

I could really thrive and blossom given the opportunity 

And it would do wonders for my confidence 

Speaking of the job 

I am hoping to hear from them today or tomorrow 

The waiting is killing me 

And I sincerely hope it's good news

But whatever happens 

I know I did my best 

And gave it a good shot

That's all I could do  

And if it doesn't work out 

There will be something else 

Something perfect for me

I hate the fact that so much of my blog recently has been about my ED behaviours

I truly hope that I am not triggering anyone 

I do want tngive an honest account of my life and my recovery 

But I also don't want this to become a habit 

I am going to do my best to get back on track 

I had got a point where my ED was secondary in my life 

It didnt infringe on my life anymore 

But now 

Well

It's taking it over again

And I hate that 

I just need to slowly change my behaviours 

My way of doing things 

I have to do it

What is the alternative.....?