Tuesday 26 January

 I saw Mary first thing this morning

We had a good chat

I told her about the eating and purging spinning out of control

Calm as ever

She asked me about my meals

And what I am eating of a day

Breakfast is fine

I have tea and toast 

And sit at the kitchen table

I have no problem doing this

And even though it's only a relatively recent thing 

It has become my new normal 

Lunch and dinner are more of a problem

As I tend to graze throughout the day

Rather than eating fixed meals

Dinner I eat at the table too

But it rarely stays down 

And then I'm back to square one again

I really need to do a proper meal plan

Know what I'm having to eat that day

Have the correct ingredients ready to go

And then do something afterwards

To distract myself from purging

This is all great in theory 

But in practise 

Well let's just say it's not easy

Mary said she believes in me

That I can do this 

And her belief makes me believe 

Mary also told me about something exciting

One of the other social workers asked Mary if she knew anyone who was interested in working with animals 

Specifically horses

It turns out 

That a former social worker who now runs a stables

Is looking for people with mental health issues to volunteer there 

I was super excited to hear this 

It's right up my street 

So Mary is going to get the woman's number 

And I can contact her myself 

You guys 

This sounds perfect for me

And if the job doesn't work out

I can see myself doing this

Horses are a lot like dogs I think 

Very in tune with people

And have the ability to heal 

Since Mary told me about it

I can't stop thinking about how I would just love to do this

It has my name written on it!

Fingers crossed this works out

And of course 

If I am going to be working 

Whether in the job or with animals 

I need to keep my strength up

Eat properly

And look after myself 

I mean

I am no good to anyone if I am weak from lack of food

It will also give my day structure and routine

As well as contributing to help my self esteem and confidence

I just really hope that one f these opportunities works out

I would be glad of either

Or even both 

I think volunteering 

Or working 

Will also provide me with a feel good factor

One job is helping the elderly 

The other is helping animals 

Just to know that I am helping others will be a huge boost

I just can't wait to get started!

But at the same time

I don't want to get my hopes up too high

Just in case they don't turn out

And that's why I need a plan C and a plan D

So I have something to fall back on

And have all bases covered 

In other news 

I'm managing to hold steady with my weight

And haven't had any noticeable drops in the last couple of weeks

It always in my face where the weight loss is most noticeable 

You would think it would come off my ass or my thighs 

But no

It's always the face

And I end up looking like a gaunt little old lady

I spoke with Mary this morning

And the aim is to gain half a kilo a week

Which is doable I think

My target weight in hospital was 54kg

And that seems to be the weight that is my set point 

And where I feel most comfortable 

I know the weight I am at now is not normal for a 34 year old woman 

And when I had a bit more weight on me

I was actually beginning to like it

But really and truly 

It's not about weight at all

It's just a symptom of a greater problem

It's a side effect of the illness

And I know I don't look well 

My cheeks are sunken 

Dark circles under my eyes 

And a pale pallor 

There is nothing pretty about that 

There is nothing romantic or glamorous about purging ten times a day

This life is nothing to aspire to

It's a dead end 

And once you fall down the rabbit hole

It is nigh on impossible to get out 

But 

In saying all this 

I still feel positive 

And hopeful

I am lucky

I have my family and Mary

People who believe in me until I can believe in myself 

Because if it wasn't for them

I would have fallen apart long ago

I don't know what I have done to deserve such amazing people in my life 

I don't take them for granted 

And every day 

I thank God and my lucky stars to have them in my life 

When someone holds your hands so tightly 

Looks you dead in the eyes

And tells you with such conviction

That you will be ok

It's hard to argue with that 

So today

I say the very same thing to you

Instead of holding you 

And speaking to you

I type these words 

With all the strength and conviction I can muster 

That you 

Yes you

You will be alright 

You will get through this 

And you will come out the other side stronger than ever 

This I promise you

So please 

I ask you 

To keep holding on 

Keep hanging in there 

Keep putting one foot in front of the other

And keep going 

I will if you will 

Pinkie promise.....?