Monday 4 January

This are beginning to come to a head

I've been feeling so low 

Both physically 

And mentally

I always say that the day that I don't walk my dogs 

Is a day there is something very wrong with me

Well these days myself and Lea are only going for short token walks

Bless her 

She doesn't seem to notice the difference 

And still comes back happy

As if she'd walk 5 miles

But it's like they know something is wrong

Lea is so clingy these days 

Always at my side 

Always wanting to be stroked 

Honey is also playing up

Barking like a lunatic every time I go in to the kitchen 

They are so intune 

They pick up on the smallest change in me or their routine 

I hate that I am effecting them too

I went out yesterday morning 

To pick up some food 

When I came home 

My Mam came to speak to me

And asked me if I was aware that I was stockpiling food again

To be perfectly honest

I wasn't aware

I thought I was just buying neccesities 

But thinking about it 

I am buying bags of binge food 

I am back in the binge purge cycle

Later on last night 

I broke down to my Mam

I told her how shitty I am feeling 

And how low I feel 

She told me to speak to my doctor 

She hugged me

Wiped my tears 

And in a very firm voice told me that I would get through this 

And I would be ok

I felt a little better after speaking to her

But spent the rest of the evening trying to fight back tears 

It's also hard because we have a few visitors staying 

So I'm trying to be in good form

Which as you know, is not easy to do

But 

I know no one expects me to put on a show 

It's pressure I put on myself

I went to bed early 

And cried myself to sleep 

I woke early

In time to keep my 9am appointment 

It being the first day back after Christmas

The surgery was full of people 

I had just taken a seat 

When my name was called 

I followed my doctor in to his room

And sat for a minute while he turned his computer on

Trying to formulate lucid sentences in my head

When he asked me how I was

It poured out of me like word vomit 

Feeling so low physically 

Like I'm going to pass out all the time 

He said I looked very drawn

He took my bloods

To check my electrolytes 

Took my BP

Which was ok 

He also checked my throat 

Which was red

And my glands which were swollen

He thought I might have a virus 

But I said it was probably from the purging 

He agreed 

Then 

The dreaded scale 

He weighed me 

I've lost 5 kilos since he weighed me last month

24 pounds in the last 2 months

No wonder I am feeling so bad

My doctor told me to ring in the morning for the results of my bloods

I thanked him

And left

After collecting my meds

I went back to the surgery to see Breda 

The first thing she said to me was how I look drained and pale 

It was an effort just to be there 

To just talk 

And trying to be positive was really wiping me out

She told me to take it easy

To rest 

And look after myself 

Everyone keeps saying this to me 

But I don't know what I'm meant to be doing 

I mean I do know 

But what else should I be doing?

I'm just so tired 

My body is in bits trying to stay together 

The thing is 

And what I was saying to my mum last night 

I can't believe I have been so stupid

To think that I could have lost some weight 

And leave it at that 

Over course my ED was going to take over at some point 

So 

The plan this week

Is to ring Mary

See my psychiatrist tomorrow

And keep my hospital appointment on Friday

Apart from that 

Rest 

Eat 

Build myself up again 

I haven't felt this bad in years 

I asked my mother last night

If I am ever going to get well

She replied with absolutely no hesitation or doubt 

Yes Ruby

Of course you will

I hope she is right......