Tuesday 5 January

I'm posting later than usual today

As I decided to wait to see my psychiatrist before I posted 

It was a long day waiting around for my afternoon appointment

I walked the dogs

Made dinner

And generally pottered around until it was time to go

I arrived at the building 

And parked in the tiny car park in the back

There was a guy smoking just as I got out of my car 

What I wouldn't have done for a cigarette right then

I continued in to the building

Which used to be a family home

But the health board have taken it over

So the waiting room is actually the kitchen

I took a seat

There were a few people already in there

I figured I was in for a wait 

So I took a magazine

And settled in a chair

It was very busy 

A constant stream of people in and out

I was hoping to see my doctor himself

And not one of his team

Because he knows me

So I was glad when he popped his head around the corner

And called me in to a little room

I don't think I mentioned

That I spoke to Mary yesterday 

And asked if I could see her 

She said that was no problem 

I just had to say it to my psychiatrist 

He started off by saying 

That Mary had emailed him

Which I was glad of 

That's Mary all over

So reliable and dependable 

So my psych had an idea of what was happening for me

He asked about weight loss

My mood 

My sleep

I told him that I am enduring life

Rather than enjoying it

He said that it sounds like I am depressed

And might not be getting the benefit of my meds because of so much purging 

He then asked if anything had triggered this slip (Note: still reluctant to call it a relapse!)

I told him about the navy trousers incident

And wanting to lose a few pounds

But then couldn't stop

He said it was most likely that my mood had dropped before then 

As usually that kind of thing wouldn't bother me

I have clothes in every size under the sun

So one pair of trousers fitting 

Is not usually a big deal

And thinking about it 

My mood had dropped gradually in the last few months 

Even in Turkey I was not in great form

And my mother confirmed this 

Meds were considered 

He said that my Prozac could be increased

But he was reluctant to do that until I had spoken to Mary 

So that's an option

Hopefully I will get to see Mary next week

And she will be able to help me out things right

Because my purging is spinning out of control

And am now purging 5-10 times a day

It's no wonder I am feeling so bad

My BMI is now 18

Not clinically anorectic 

But nevertheless less 

It's still heading in the wrong direction

And because I've lost the weight so quickly

My body is suffering

So 

Hopefully this is the start of my getting on top of things again 

I don't know why it didn't occur to me that I was depressed 

I mean

That's kind of obvious 

But again

I haven't been myself 

And sometimes you don't see how low you've gone 

Until someone else points it out

Before I finish 

I just want to thank you all for your continued support

I know it must be frustrating witnessing my slips and falls 

But as ever

You have been there 

And that means more than you know 

Thank you