The day after

I found it really difficult to wind down And relax after yesterday's interview

I had so much anxiety

And so much adrenaline running through my body before hand 

Sitting on that couch 

Waiting to be called in

Was beyond nerve wracking 

I haven't felt that anxious in a long time

I thought it was funny in the interview

When the man said I had a 'very interesting existence up until now'

All I could think was 

Seriously dude

You don't know the half of it

That CV was the PG version of my life

I find people are shocked when I tell them about my past

I guess I don't look like a typical addict

But then what does an addict look like?

Really it could be any of us 

The working mum who drinks a bottle of wine every night to unwind 

The invalid who got addicted to pain medication 

The homeless man addicted to heroin

The young student who tAkes party pills 

Or the housewife who is addicted to over the counter meds

There really is no typical addict 

Addiction knows no boundaries

It crosses gender

Age 

Creed

Religion 

It could happen to anyone 

After the interview yesterday

My mum, my sister and I went for dinner in one of the local pubs

I had bangers and mash

The others both had Turkey and Ham

It was delicious 

And very welcome on a cold winters day

When I got home 

I got straight in to my pyjamas 

And took my meds 

Lit a fire 

And cozied up on the couch for the evening 

The interview was running through my head 

Over and over again on a loop

By 10pm

I was starting to nod off

So I took mused off to bed

Read about three lines of my book

Before falling in to a deep sleep 

Today 

My mum and I brought Lea for a walk

Honey elected to stay in her bed

I don't blame her 

Then we went and did the food shopping 

Before dropping a few items over for my neighbour 

Now

I am looking forward to taking it easy for the day

I have nothing to do

And the whole day to do it 

The interview 

If nothing else

Was a great learning experience 

I learned that I have valuable experience 

That will be perfect, maybe not for this job

But for another job 

I learned that I can feel massive anxiety 

But can push through it and get the job done 

I learned that my life could look interesting to an outsider 

And hopefully 

Because of that 

I will be remembered

I learned that I can walk in to a room with three strangers

And sell myself, my qualities and experience 

I learned that I am not a waste of space 

That all my life experience has not been in vain 

That every little thing in my life 

Has made me who I am today 

And I'm starting to see 

That I am an ok person 

Yes

I have made monumental mistakes in my time 

Sometimes I do such stupid things 

That I think I need my head examined 

But 

I have learned from every mistake 

And most people are kind enough to give a second chance 

Because everyone deserves one 

Every one f**ks up royally once in a while 

That's life

That's human 

That's growing up

If I let every mistake I ever made get me down 

I would never get anywhere 

We have to let it go

We have to  forgive ourselves

Hope others can Too

And move on

I know that I'm not a bad person

Yes I've done some utterly stupid things in my time 

In addiction 

I was cunning, sly, manipulative 

I swear an addict with a bit of a brain is a dangerous combination 

But most people are good

It is rarely you meet someone who is bad to the bone 

Yes, they are out there 

But they are the exception rather than the rule

In other news

I have given up weighing myself 

I'm just not willing to let a stupid little number dictate my mood and self esteem anymore

I'm sick of measuring my self worth in pounds and ounces 

It doesn't matter what I weigh 

It really doesn't 

As long as I am not drastically underweight 

Or drastically over weight

Somewhere in between is absolutely fine 

I'm pretty sure my weight is holding steady though 

As my clothes fit the same

I've had to wear my jeans rolled down at the top

As most of them are too big for me now 

So it's no harm if I gain a few pounds 

I know the too skinny look is not a good one 

Health wise or aesthetically 

So I'm going to use the moderation approach 

Everything in moderation 

Including moderation

That sounds like a good plan to me

And anyway 

Mary has asked me not to weigh at home 

And she will weigh me once a week

That's all from me today folks

Thanks for reading and supporting my blog

See you on the next post...