Thursday 7 January

I'm just back from seeing Mary

Which was such a relief to see her 

I was early for my appointment

And had just sat down in the waiting room

When she popped her head around the corner 

We got straight down to business

And she asked how I am doing 

With my words in a jumble

Trying to make sense

I told her about struggling recently 

Losing weight

Losing my mind 

My mood dipping

My purging increased 

She said that in all likelihood 

My mood dropping 

And purging more are connected 

As if I'm purging more

Then I'm not getting the benefit of my meds 

It then becomes a viscous circle 

Of one feeding the other 

We talked about what I'm doing with my days 

Which is very little these days 

And I know that's a huge problem for me

I don't have anything to fill my days 

So inevitably 

I end up getting myself in some sort of trouble 

The devil makes work for idol hands and all that 

We talked about the support groups 

And how they help me when I go 

We made a list of things for me to do 

Before I see her next week

Which includes a meal plan

Shopping list 

Check out the local writing group

The Womens centre 

Volunteering 

And possibly part time work 

For the first time in a long time 

I actually feel motivated

To get back on track 

To realise my potential

As Mary said 

It's a big wide world out there 

And it's there for me to explore 

I had gone so low recently 

That everything seemed like an effort 

I spent my days at home

And if I did go out 

I was always anxious to get home 

Now that I've spoken to Mary

I feel a bit clearer in my mind what I need to do

Sometimes that's all it takes

For someone else to gently guide you in the right direction

Everyone is always telling me that I have great potential 

And that's all very well

But what does that mean?

That I could do something wonderful

Possibly 

Maybe 

My confidence has taken a battering recently 

And I'm feeling quite raw emotionally

The thought of putting myself out there is very scary 

But I know 

If I could just take the first step

Then the rest will be easier 

Myself and Mary write down all my homework 

She wished me a happy new year

And gave me a big hug before I left 

Which was lovely 

I'll be seeing her once a week for the next few weeks 

And you know what?

I think I can do it 

I think I can get back on track 

Living in the midst of an ED

Is nothing short of miserable, lonely and utterly soul destroying 

I'm not willing to live my life like that 

The last eight weeks

Of being back in ED mode

Have shown me that nothing has changed 

Anorexia/bulimia are their same old selves 

Manipulative 

Conniving 

Sneaky 

I don't want to deal with that any more 

I have a life to live

Before I left 

Mary asked me about weighing

I told her I was weighing every day

She told me in no uncertain terms 

That I needed to stop

And that she will weigh me once a week

I can't lie 

That's going to be tough 

Weighing is the one thing recently that was feeding my self worth

Now I need to find other ways to maintain it 

Other ways to feel good about myself

In short 

I need to carve out a life for myself 

A routine 

An occupation 

A reason to get up in the morning

Because right now

Apart from my dogs

It's difficult to find a reason to keep going 

Anyway

I've got to do this

I've just got to 

There is no other option anymore 

I hope I can do it

I think I can do it 

With my families help

The professionals help

And with your help 

I just might have a fighting chance 

The one thing I take out of these situations 

Is the learning 

Something I will improve on the next time 

I mean

I'm not asking for much 

I just want a simple life

A roof over my head 

Food in my fridge

Loved ones at my side 

Dogs at my feet 

A job I love 

And I think these things are achieve able 

I think they are within my grasp

So

It starts right now 

Having my dinner 

Keeping it down 

Doing my meal plan 

My shopping list 

That's half the battle 

Tomorrow 

I will start the hunt for things to do 

That's after my hospital appointment 

It's a brand new year 

A fresh start 

What better time to make a change 

I want this 

I need this 

Are you with me....?