Friday 8 January

Yesterday was tough

I broke down in tears on three separate occasions

Once with Mary

Again on the phone to my Dad

Then later on to Mam

It felt like everything I've worked for

Is crumbling underneath me

All the hard graft I've put in to my recovery

Gone in an instant 

My Dad wanted to come and see me

But he lives over an hour away

So that wouldn't be fair

My Mam is amazing as always

Telling me with such conviction

That I will get well

She said that she has every confidence that I will get through this

I wish I had her faith 

Because I fear for my own sanity

I really do 

There is only so much that the body and mind can take 

At the moment

Depression is clouding my judgement 

It sits on my mind like a dark cloud that constantly  rains 

I think Mary and the psych are right

I'm not getting the benefit of my meds

Because I am purging so much 

I need to get this under control 

I really can't go on like this 

I have too much to lose at this point 

I have a follow up hospital appointment today 

I'm not entirely sure what or why

But I guess it's good to get checked out

I got my blood test results too yesterday

My potassium is a little low

But nothing to be too concerned about

Just keep an eye on it for now 

One thing Mary talked about yesterday

Is occupation

And having something to do

Because I don't do very much at the moment 

I walk my dogs

I do house work

I read 

I watch TV 

I don't do a whole lot outside of the house

I think I need to expand my horizons

I want to check back With the dog shelter

Find out about the local writing group

Maybe start social dancing 

In case you are wondering what social dancing is 

I'm not entirely sure

But I know it involves people and dancing

And what's not to love about that?

I might even meet a nice farmer

I am a country girl now after all....

Look

The thing is 

I know what I need to do 

This is not my first rodeo 

I also want to go back to my support groups 

Even though I am convinced no one likes me there

But I'm at the point where I don't really care if people like me or not 

I need to go for myself 

And if I go to the meetings I feel

Comfortable at 

And as Breda says 

I don't need to speak if I don't want to 

I just need to be there 

Soak up the recovery 

And leave the rest

So 

The plan of action 

Is to keep my appointments 

With all the professionals 

Because I have been known to cancel appointments when I don't want to face my issues

Take it easy over the weekend 

Eat well

Rest 

Relax 

And then Monday 

Hit the ground running 

And find some interesting and worthwhile things to do 

I'm really interested in volunteering 

In any capacity really 

With animals for sure 

But also maybe the elderly 

The sick

People who are lonely 

I actually think I get on better with peoe who are older than me 

I feel more comfortable with them

And am more myself 

So that's something to look in to 

At the moment 

I am just one decision away from getting in to bed 

Pulling the covers over my head 

And forgetting about everything

I know I could easily fall apart at a moments notice 

But 

I guess at times like this 

You fake it till you make it 

Pretend until it becomes real

I'm a firm believer in that 

Also 

I know I say it a lot 

But thank you 

Thank you so much for reading 

For commenting, emailing and texting 

Your support has helped hold me together recently 

It means more than you will ever know

I just hope that I can do the same for you